Hot Child in the Suburbs

Spankings and apologies

2008-12-16T09:06:00.006-06:00

Someone sent me an email the other day and was like, "Where the fuck are you? You havent been held hostage by anyone, have you? Attacked by crazed soccer moms? Dolphin mauling? WTF! Post something!" and I know, I know, I have been like the laziest, slackeriest, crappy no-commenting bloggy person ever. I'm sorry. I've had 3 out of town visitors in the past month, coupled with a sick kid and the FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS breathing down my neck. But you dont want to hear excuses, so please accept this hug:

See how excited I am to hug you?
(Sorry, you have to be Bush.)

Kiss:

and slap on the ass:

There, are we better now? You know I love you.

Everyone needs a little holiday cheer

2008-12-04T14:02:00.004-06:00

Remember my inspiring post about "questionable" side jobs? Apparently I forgot "Appliance Shipper/Drug Smuggler", cause I found a whole bunch of weed in my oven this weekend.

Go figure I'll find it when I don't smoke anymore, right? Imagine me at 21 cleaning out my brand new oven and finding some free pot. I'd probably call the distributor and thank them! Then someone would probably get fired and I might get arrested...you can see one of the reasons I dont smoke anymore. So imagine me at 26 instead, cleaning out my brand new oven and finding a bunch of buds in there, calling the distributor and bitching them out like the cranky, crotchety, curmudgeonous (and alliterative!) person that I have apparently become. No...even though I wanted to, I didnt do that, either. I totally baked them into some Christmas cookies and gave them to the snobby neighbors across the street. HA! Merry Christmas, bitches!

Love her

2008-11-20T16:16:00.003-06:00

Mom: So have you heard that really catchy song about McDonalds?
Me: Huh?
Mom: You know, dadadada-da-da-da-da, if you catch me at Mcdonalds I got visa's in my name....
Me: Mom. Thats not what she says.
Mom: What do you mean? She even talks about cheeseburgers after that.
Me: Are we even talking about the same song? Do they play a different version up there? [My mom lives in the pacific northwest]
Mom: No! She says, "If you come around here I make 'em all day, I'll get some done in a second if you wait". You see? She'll make you a cheeseburger!
Me: Mom, I think that song is about dealing drugs.
Mom: NO! No! Are you serious?
Me: How do you even hear "cheeseburgers"? What she really says is, "If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name". And when she says, "I'll get some done in a second if you wait" she's talking about packing some drugs for you. How did you not know this? Did you not hear the gunshots?
Mom: I guess my virgin ears just substitute words for things I dont want to hear! And furthermore, missy, how do you know all this druggy lingo? Hmm?
Me: Um, I watch intervention?
Mom: Thats all you'd better be doing.
Me: Of course. So you still like the song?
Mom: I dont care what you say, I still think it's about McDonalds.

Snuggled in a warm, floral embrace

2008-11-19T12:30:00.003-06:00

Ya'll.

Suburbia ROCKS.

Kohls, Michaels, THE FREAKIN' RIDGE, Fazoli's, and the list goes on. MORE RETAIL FOR ME. SPEND SPEND SPEND. MUST BE BETTER THAN NEIGHBORS. I NEED AN AIRWICK AIR FRESHENER NOWWWWWWWWWWW.

Whoa, sorry guys. I've been here for like, 3 days and I think I've already been brainwashed, but it's cool. Did I mention Fazoli's? And Garden Ridge? I could spend hours in craft stores, then add a few bread sticks to the mix and I'm in salty, wrapping paper heaven. There is this one retail center behind my house and - I'm not joking - I could spend a whole day there.

9am - Put the kid in scary strip center daycare called Little Comforts and thank God she is resilient and has all her shots.
10am - Walk across the parking lot to Bally's, work out.
12pm - Hit up Chipotle and undue all good work I did with massive burrito bigger than my head.
1pm - Walk 4 steps next door to Starbucks for post lunch coffee.
1:30pm - Mosey across the median to Target, need laundry detergent and toilet paper.
3pm - Leave Target with said items, plus picture frame, new shirt, goldfish bowl, 16 rolls of wrapping paper, batteries, new shade of nail polish, Lysol Wipes, 3 greeting cards, a new shower curtain, 3 CDs, 2 DVDs and some breath mints.
3:30pm - Cross 1/2 mile of parking lot to make a deposit at Wells Fargo after massive shopping spree.
4:00pm - Pick child up from daycare.
4:30pm - Navigate through 20 parking spaces to The Little Gym with child to find new friends for both of us.
6pm - Leave, exhausted and frazzled after an hour and a half of listening to screeching brats and conversating with other mothers who hate you for wearing jean cut offs and flip flops to the Little Gym.
6:30pm - Walk across the massive parking lot once more and find that you conveniently parked in front of a liquor store. Debate internally whether or not it is appropriate to bring a 4 year old inside, figure no one you know will see you anyway.
6:45pm - Leave liquor store clutching brown paper sack. Cringe with horror when you see Jacqueline, one of the Alpha Moms at the Little Gym, has parked three cars down and is scowling disapprovingly at you, your bag of vodka and beat up 1996 Saturn.
6:50pm - Arrive home. Cry.

Oh well. At least I still have Garden Ridge.

Proud member of the itty bitty booty committee

2008-11-17T14:18:00.007-06:00

So here I am. Posting from our new place. And it hurts, ya'll. Not emotionally, I mean it literally fucking hurts - our chair is too short for the built in "office center" aka a desk with some shelves, and my wrists are elevated and resting on the hard wood molding of the desk. We need a new chair before I have the bruised wrists of an emo chick.

So many things are different here. We moved from an older place, built in the 50's, with exposed brick and other charming little details, to new construction with beautiful accents like brushed nickle hardware and chair rails. The benefits of the new place far outweigh the old - we have a massive walk in closet, an extra bedroom, a bathtub that could double as a wading pool and a lovely kitchen big enough for all of us to fit in. The one thing though, that doesn't sit well with me, is the design of the toilet. Or the toilet seat, to be more exact.

You guys, its huge. I cant even sit back fully or else I'll fall in. If I wasn't already insecure enough about my tiny butt, a stupid toilet seat has to come along and engulf my whole ass. I know big butts are back and I am envious mine isn't more bootylicious, but this is insane. I cant fill out jeans anymore, I am the only one who doesnt complain about airline seats being too small, and now a stupid toilet seat has made me begin to consider butt implants. What do you think?

Uh, I think I'll just buy a new toilet seat.

The joys of suburbia

2008-11-10T13:21:00.005-06:00

So, we finally did it. We scoured the 'burbs, we cased the neighborhoods, we checked rottenneighbor.com, and finally signed a lease. Signed our life away to suburban hell. Goodbye, skyline, hello outlet mall.

Half our house is in boxes, which makes living here for the next 6 days like a maddening scavenger hunt, and bubblewrap is fun to play with, so theres that. I know that moving to the suburbs have some benefits, though. I cant think of what they are, but I know it does. I just cant find the silver lining. This is how I envision our first year:

Month one: Move into neighborhood, find amenities near by, restaurants, shopping, marvel how close we are to every retail chain ever built.
Month two: Complain that everyone else is close to all that stuff, too.
Month three: Meet neighbors, plan game night, introduce our kids, tentative excitement towards meeting new people begins to grow.
Month four: Attempt to enroll daughter into good school. Good school will not accept application because of "over crowding" (aka we be poor folk) and place us on the never ending waiting list, settle for zoned public school.
Month five: Shunned by neighbors after declining the invitation to neighbor's wife's tupperware party.
Month six: Nearby lot gets bought for new hospital, commence construction till 2013.
Month seven: Lanes on the main road get widened, commence construction till 2020.
Month eight: Daughter gets shunned by children for not speaking French, Latin, Russian or Mandarin.
Month nine: Car gets keyed with cryptic message, "Should've gone plastic!"
Month ten: Patio furniture mysteriously goes missing, lawn gets TP'd.
Month eleven: Start to understand why everyone is on drugs, get a prescription for Xanax and instate nightly cocktail hour
Month twelve: Full on drug and alcohol addiction, admit self into rehab, find neighbor in as well, bond over horror stories of nearly burning down the house with lit cigarette while passed out from too many Cosmo's and re-pledge friendship.
Month thirteen: Backstabbed by newly sober neighbor, start process all over again.

You can see why I'm so excited. Suburbia or bust!

2008-11-04T14:20:00.001-06:00

Did you?

Happy Election Day, peeps! Exercise your right!

The best part of the year

2008-11-03T15:55:00.000-06:00

You know those people who do the whole, "Birthday Month" thing? Stretch their birthday out through the entire month they were born, demanding special attention and living hedonistically, eschewing common sense and practicality?

So obviously you can see where this is going - IT'S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!

I am not one of those people who get depressed on their birthdays. I LOVE celebrating my birthday, and while I am not exactly thrilled with aging, I like to enjoy knowing that I lived another year without getting arrested, breaking my arm, rolling my vehicle, losing another friend, or getting run over by a car - all of which has happened to me before. Damn right I should celebrate!

I'll turn 26 on the 8th. I'm having some issues deciding what to do, though. How lame is it to make all my friends show up in pink? Should we do a pub crawl? Rent a pink limo? Karaoke Spice Girls song's all night? Video scavenger hunt? Help me out, interwebz!

A nice perk to kicking off birthday month is partying the night before on Halloween:

Meet Abe Lincoln and his European mistress - stickers have been added to protect the innocent and mortified. Even though we're pretty sure Abe never made it Europe, who cares! As I predicted, Halloween was filled with sluts and d-bags, but oddly enough the most ubiquitous costume for females was a flapper. Really? Huh. Most of the men just glued devil horns to their forheads - LAME!! Unfortunately I have no pic's of said slutty women because I was too busy drinking cape cods and shaking my ass on the dance floor. Please accept my apologies and visit all 4 parts of this NSFW website, instead. You're welcome.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T13:57:00.003-05:00

Happy Halloween everyone!

I'm pretty sure this is the scariest Halloween costume I've seen yet, and if I encounter anyone dressed like this tonight I am immediately pouring a drink on the twisted soul and running away. To my panic room. To call the police. And take a Xanax. Damn.

Like I mentioned earlier, we'll be headed out tonight to party with the ~~pimps and hoes~~ ghouls and goblins, so check back in a few days to see pics of my costume and read the tales of terror and mayhem. And by terror and mayhem, I mean embarrassment and vodka induced dancing. The two practically go hand in hand, don't they?

Also, be sure to check out Humorbloggers today for the First Annual Halloween Humor Carnival!!

Me, some strippers and lots of vodka - Halloween 2008

2008-10-27T10:45:00.012-05:00

So are you guys as excited as I am for Halloween?!?!?!?! HALLOWEEN! WOO!

Sigh. Whatever. I can't keep up that falsity - Halloween is annoying.

Seriously. We're actually going out this weekend, and guess who I'll be hanging with?

This girl:

Who'll tell me she's in med-school and isnt this a "cute little spin" on her Halloween costume? Later, her two best friends, Tranny Teresa and Ditzy Diane who are either DRESSED as strippers or actually are strippers (I've had a few drinks by this point) show up.
Then this guy will try to pick me up:

but luckily he'll be hypnotized by Tranny Teresa's boobs and forget about me. Being around the three should be Playboy models will get me self analytical and then I'll start drinking a lot of these:

give up all hope for flat abs and start dancing like this:

get disapointing looks from my boyfriend, go home, and pass out in my costume. I'll wake up the next morning with a killer hangover, and my boyfriend asking me what the hell was I talking about last night when I said I was going to buy the "stripperobics" DVD's and one of those collapsing dance poles?

Cant. Wait.

I'm not dead. I promise.

2008-10-23T14:12:00.013-05:00

YA'LL.

I have totally been neglecting my friends, family, social life and obviously, my blog. I asked to work as much as possible, and my employers seem to think I was asking to move into the restaurant - I should probably just change my address and bring a pillow up there. I have no idea whats been going on with everyone - So HEY GUYS! What the hell has everyone been up to lately? Me? Lots of double shifts and home hunting - soon, the title of my blog will actually be relevant!

While I was out slinging onion rings and margaritas, I was tagged and got a few awards!! You guys! This iss probably just ya'll's way of saying, "Hurry the fuck up and post something, damnit!" but I'll take it as a compliment, dont worry.

This lovely award was given to me by Melinda, over at Musings by Melinda Zook. How freakin' cute is her blog? If you go there now you can watch the SNL skit with Sarah Palin (ya'll, I seriously just wrote Sarah Fey...they're practically interchangeable. Sorry, Tina Fey) and the moose. I know you've seen it already, but a preggo Amy Poleher rapping and mock shooting a fake moose will never, ever get old. Go! Now!

This totally professional looking award was given to me by Petra, over at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy:

My girl Petra always has my back, and here she is to instill a little "mojo" into my blog. This award also comes with being "tagged" to write Six Things That Make You Happy, so here you go:

Six Things That Make Me Squee:
1. A FUCKING DAY OFF
2. Spending time with my daughter.
3. Going to the cafe behind our house to eat breakfast on the patio with my boyfriend.
4. Being with my BFF drinking wine
5. Dancing my butt off in a packed club
6. Having an entire day to myself to spend at my leisure

AND I was also tagged by Sandee, at Comedy Plus to tell you guys Six Random, Bookish Things About ME. Sandee is so awesome, and funny, and her weekend feature, "The Comment Game" is surprisingly insightful while being really fun and kinda addicting. Go visit her!

The rules:

Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on the blog.
Write six random bookish things about yourself.
Tag sixish people at the end of your post.
Let each person know he or she has been tagged.
Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Okay, um, I'll do all that stuff later but for now, here we go:

1. I have been trying to read some of the (not really)"classics" since last summer. I've read "Anna Karenina" (Ehhh), A Farewell To Arms (HATED. IT.), The Stranger (Really liked it), Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (really didnt see what everyone went crazy about, and I dont even care if that makes me sound ignorant), The Fountainhead (LOVED. IT.) and am currently laboring through Atlas Shrugged.

2. I am so proud of our bookshelves. We totally need more "chick lit" (BTW, I despise that term), but otherwise we have a fairly well rounded collection of books, and there are probably over 300 of them. I refer to the section of our apartment housing the shelves as "the library".

3. I have more than once went to Barnes and Nobles to hang out and read books. I will also admit that I have finished many a book there, without paying a cent. I am so sorry, and in the event that I fall down and hit my head really hard and have a concussion then wake up a great writer and decide to publish a book, I know karma will come back and bite me on the ass.

4. Also, I really hate Barnes and Nobles, Borders, or any other retail book chain. I prefer to buy my books used, because the thought of someone having it before me, and maybe before them, etc. etc. is very endearing and also because I love the way old books look.

5. I'll basically read anything. I am never NOT reading a book. But I really only like to read one at a time, and even if I loathe it, I will finish it.

6. And possibly the most bookish thing about me? I have a freakin' shelfari account! A social media tool for BOOKS! I am a nerd and I embrace it.

OKAY! I am going back to work now. I know. I'm a slave to the serving tray. Someone host an intervention!

EDIT: UH. Can someone please tell me why the bottom portion of my blog is highlighted and how to fix it? Thanks!
EDITED AGAIN: OWWWWW Jesus! That highlighted portion is really bright!
EDITED AGAIN: Well, I just have no idea. I'm sorry. I tried to fix it, but no luck. Blogger hates me.

Blog Action Day: Poverty

2008-10-15T15:32:00.008-05:00

This is normally a humor blog, but today I want to use my blog as a platform. October 15th is Blog Action Day, the day when thousands of bloggers will unite to discuss a single issue - poverty.

I'm a 25 year old white female from the suburbs of Houston. I was raised in a married household, went to award winning public schools, and while we weren't wealthy or even well off, we did okay and I did not ever spend a night hungry, or without clothing or basic human necessities.

Then, suddenly, my parents got divorced. My mother moved out of state. My father spent all of his time dealing with his depression and his disability, and I moved out at the age of 18.

I had no experience with anything "real life" related. I didn't know how to manage money, cook, or even do laundry. I got a job waiting tables, and my (then) boyfriend and I got an apartment. He was also a waiter, and I remember the first time we did our income taxes, we both made a combined amount of $14,000.00 and I was impressed - again, I was 18. But I vividly remember thinking, "If $14,000.00 is so much money, why are we always broke? Where is it going?", and the realization I had a few years later was that it wasn't going anywhere, we just didn't have enough money to survive.

Pride and family estrangement got in the way of asking for last minute loans from our families. We drove old, beat up cars that we could rarely afford to fix. We would drive around on bald tires, no AC in 100 degree temps, and for a while we drove an old Mitsubishi Eclipse without a radio, that had been severely rear ended. The mechanic told me our car was not fit to drive, due to the accident causing the squished back end of the car to be dangerously close to puncturing the gas tank. It was "totaled" and our only car. There are no bus lines in the suburbs, and we had no choice - we had to get to work, so we drove it anyway. Horribly embarrassing, and severely dangerous.

We both worked at restaurants, so if we didn't have enough money to eat, we knew we could go somewhere for food. However, one week the boyfriend and I got in a huge fight and he took the car. We did not have a telephone, (and having a cellphone was a luxury back then) and all we had to eat in the house was a economy sized can of fruit cocktail. Don't ask me what on earth made us buy it, but thank God we did because its all I ate for a week. It was all I had. I remember the feeling of hunger setting in, like a dull reminder that food was a necessity. I let it go for as long as I could wait, because I knew there was nothing else to eat, and I needed to make it stretch - when the boyfriend came back 6 days later, I wish I could say I walked out then and there and never looked back - but I cant. I didn't.

I've lived for weeks without electricity because we didn't have enough to pay the bill. In the winter and the summer. I never had health insurance, and now I owe nearly 10 grand in medical bills from that time. I had enough presence of mind to take good care of my teeth, thank God. I've been on Medicare AND food stamps. Technically, my fellow taxpayers paid for the birth of my baby. They've fed me. They picked me up and made sure I got the things I needed, even if it was an uphill struggle. How can I express my gratitude? I don't think I can ever get across how much it means to me, but today, I'll donate my day's wages to the Houston chapter of the End Hunger network. It is a small gesture, but it's one of the small things I can do.

That was 7 years ago. It feels like yesterday.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

2008-10-13T10:33:00.009-05:00

Yes, WaMu went kaput and AIG is burning through their two bailout checks like a wildfire, sometimes getting gas can be like a scavenger hunt, and seriously? it might be cheaper now just to go buy a fucking cow to keep on hand for milk every week.

Yes, our economy is going down faster than a tranny hooker on Charlie Sheen, but there are still some small comforts in life - low humidity days, frozen margarita's, sunsets, good books, those pink and white frosted little circus cookies, oh wait:

Mother's Cookies Crumbles

(PS: that is a seriously lazy and insincere headline line, NPR)

Well, aint that some shit. First it was Bennigan's Broccoli bites and now THIS. People of the world who run the economy machine listen up - if you do not want to induce mass panic and depression (more so than you already do, or are doing currently) please do not take away our small comforts. It's really in your best interest to ensure the cookie factories keep running - PMSing women and sugar addicts are truculent and alarmingly brutal. I understand that you might've lost $538,000.00 in stock, but we are poor and that money you lost is like our animal cookies. Except you probably have lots more money left and we have NO MORE COOKIES, ASSHOLE.

RIP Mother's cookies. I look forward to paying three times the amount for a bag of frosted deliciousness on the black market soon. Ya'll dont even want to know what I did for a case of broccoli bites - demoralizing, but totally worth it.

Ya'll are all crazy, and thats okay.

2008-10-10T13:48:00.009-05:00

If you have google analytics, you'll know that one of the best things about checking your stats is the keywords. Honestly, that is the only reason I signed up - site meter was just lacking in the interesting keyword feature, plus I like to ~~stalk my readers~~ know where all you guys are reading from.

Anyway, since real life has taken a precedence this week, here are my top 5 favorite key word searches:

5. Need a fucking good knife
Is this a question? Are you trying to sell me something? WHY do you need a fucking good knife? Whats with the 'f' word? I sincerely hope you did not find what you were looking for here. Also for all you other peeps looking for a fucking good knife? Try academy first.

4. Fruit bat costume child
Okay. Have you ever seen a fruit bat? Click here if you are un-informed. What the hell? Why are you dressing your poor child as a fruit bat? The only excuse for this is if your son or daughter is in some sort of wild life play, or they just have a bizarre interest in fruit bats. Children are weird - have I mentioned my four year old child wants to be a duck? Somewhere, someone is looking at their analytics saying, "child duck girl costume" and shaking their heads.

3. Fat yarn rolls
Ohmygod, please tell me that there is not a BBW yard doll fetish. And if so, HOW did my site become associated with it? That is simultaneously awesome and terrifying.

2. Peeing in the sink
Really, people? You actually need to google "peeing in the sink"? What the hell can you be looking for that you don't already know? Instructions? Do you have a peeing in the sink fetish? Is it limited to only in the sink? Cause if so, that must be some hard material to find. I cant imagine how many "sink peeing" fetishists I disappointed. Sorry, guys.

1. What gay men do with ice cream
I am intrigued. What DO gay men do with ice cream? Are there any gay men who can answer this question for me and the one other person who googled this? Now I feel like I've been wasting all my opportunities for some good, kinky fun by simply eating my ice cream!

I also want to announce that I am now a member of one of the most prestigious, amazing kick ass blogging groups out there - humor bloggers dot com! Thank you to the darling Ettarose who asked me to join up and blog funny with the other awesome peeps who are seriously way talented and hilarious. I am in the presence of greatness! Get your asses over there now to read some of the internet's finest humor, snark, and general insanity - especially now that I'm a part of the clan.

Snip snip!

2008-10-06T09:58:00.009-05:00

You know how there are just some words that you really don't like to use? They just make you uncomfortable and squirmy, and your brain recoils in shock and disgust at the thought of them? Two common offenders seem to be "panties" and "moist", but those dont bug me, personally (hey, a girl's gotta have her dirty talk!).

Sometimes, though, the word you hate the most is the most adequate way to describe something, and this weekend there was no getting around the word that makes me squirm: douchebag.

I hate that word. Somehow over the past few years it's come back into common conversation to usually describe a dude who looks and acts like this:

or this:

and the reason I hate the word, other than it's just gross to say, is that it somehow became appropriate to make fun of someone by calling them a feminine hygiene product. Which is kind of weird, right? I know that there are other insults pertaining to the genitalia of both sexes, but douchebag (ugh) is just a special kind of wrongness. I think we all know what it means, but if you dont, go here and educate yourselves (actually, you probably just need to click here instead, you're way too young to be reading this fuckery). Personally, I think we need to find out what the left over snippings from a vasectomy procedure are, and start using that as an insult, too. Just to even things up a bit. Gender equality, people! Its the new millennium!

Secrets from a disgruntled waitress

2008-10-03T09:50:00.007-05:00

While I've been at work slaving away over a server tray, I got to thinking about all the people who have never worked in the food service industry. Mainly about how lucky you are if you never have, because they don't call it the Black Hole Industry for nothin'. Actually I totally made that up just now, but people HAVE said it. I need a trademark, asap.

Anyway, there are certain things that go on inside a restaurant you don't see. Certain...undesirable things. Things that would make you never, ever want to eat out again. I'm going to break the code of Servers Working for Servers to let you guys in on a couple of secrets. If you don't hear from me in a few days, assume I've been moved and placed into the folds of the Witness Protection Program, Waitress Division.

Firstly, we eat your food. French fries, veggies, popcorn shrimp, olives, spinach dip, if its small enough for you to not notice it being gone, we've eaten it. I even used to know a girl who would press her finger on the steaks and lick off the juices! We are working around yummy, delicious food constantly. We are hungry! However, we never double dip and sometimes we use our own sauces. A small consolation for you.

The kitchen staff drops food on the floor constantly. And guess what? they don't throw it away, either. They might not even wash it off. I don't know. But they toss that baby on the grill or in the fryer and "cook off the germs". Would you do that in your own home? Hell to the no. But it happens. I've seen it with my own two eyes, plenty of times. Think about that the next time you order a tuna steak.

If you order a mixed drink we've never tried, we will try it. We'll stick a straw in that baby, put our finger on the top, lean our heads back and drink from the straw. This isn't too bad, since there are no germ transfers from us waitstaff (bar staff is an entirely different story...their fingers are all up in your drink, by the way) but I've seen people do worse. This has amazing benefits, since you don't have to order a $7 chocolate martini just to taste it.

Lastly, we talk shit about you. Especially if you are rude. The number one thing you can do wrong while eating out is be rude to your server. The more you're an asshole, the more we don't care, and you will cease to get a refill and decent service. Most of the time, the owners even encourage this.
Also, if you're hot, your waiter will go brag to all the other waitstaff about the hottie he/she's waiting on and everyone will try to discreetly look at you and then crack jokes about what you would be like in bed. Seriously. Its disgusting how ruthless we are. (Edited to add: by "we" I do not specifically mean me because I am way above this kind of behavior. Now, I mean. Five years ago, not so much.)

BUT! With the bad comes the good - no one will spit in your food/drink no matter how awful you are, we are constantly washing our hands because we think germs are gross, too, and don't like handling other people's food, either, and most of the time we genuinely care about your dining experience. Unless you're a dick, then good luck getting another jack and coke, baby.

Lame-o

2008-10-01T15:27:00.008-05:00

While recovering from the Epic Drinking Binge of 2k8, going to two fruitless job interviews, working, then coming home late at night so tired and so hungry, I have become totally boring this week. Total snooze fest. Sorry guys. I got nothin'.

So good thing Petra over at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy tagged me for this meme, right?!? You saved the day, girl!

1. Where were you 10 years ago?

I was a sophomore in high school and starting drivers ed. I had a totally obsessive and unrequited crush on this guy Greg (names have been changed to protected the innocent and mortified) and by some stroke of luck we were paired together in our driving class. With all the swooning in the back seat and furtive glances in the rear view mirror back at him, its amazing I even learned to drive in the first place.

2. What's on Today's To-Do List?

I have already completed everything on my to-do list because I am a badass. Or because there were only 2 things on it. I prefer the first explanation.

3. Name Five Places You Have Lived

Houston, Tx
Katy, TX
Prosser, WA

4. Name Three of Your Bad Habits

I have a really hard time remembering to close the cabinet doors, and it usually results in the taller people in my home (JP) smacking their heads on them. I also leave my car doors unlocked constantly (but I drive a crap car so it would really be better for me if it got stolen, anyway) and I chew my cuticles when I am stressed out. Gross, huh?

5. What Are Your Favorite Snacks?

I am a trail mix addict, y'all. Once when I was pregnant I ate an entire bag in one sitting! I also like tapioca pudding cups, pickles...actually I think I'd consider anything not an entire meal a snack, so bring it on.

6. Who Will You Tag for This Meme?

Serena, over at Zip 'n' Tizzy! Go for it mama!

6 days and counting

2008-09-29T12:46:00.004-05:00

You know when you go out and then in the beginning of your evening something happens to make you realize that life is just a big craptastic pile of crappy crap? And then you're so fed up you just say, "Fuck it" and begin to drink like they're reinstating prohibition tomorrow morning? And then you're all drunk at midnight and fall asleep in the taxi on the way home and it takes your friend 20 minutes to wake you up while the taxi driver is still letting the clock run and she ends up paying an extra $15.00 and has to spend the night at your house and sleep on your tiny couch because she gave all her money to the cab driver from hell? And then you wake up at 6am still in your clothes and wonder, "Where am I? What the hell just happened?" but then you get dizzy and thinking makes your head hurt so you go back to bed until noon and wake up with a death threat taped to your forehead from your friend who decided to take your car home because you couldn't be bothered to wake up? And then you just spend the day laying on the couch watching TBS until said friend comes back with your car, some excedrin and a cheeseburger? And then you curse red wine and declare never to drink again and then she makes a bet with you that your declaration wont even last until Monday?

YOU KNOW?!

I know good people and my weekend sucked. The end.

Awards - I has them!!!!!!!

2008-09-26T12:13:00.010-05:00

Look! Look! Check this shiz out:

My awesome prism of greatness has come back to me! Oh how I love thee, beautiful prism. I have to thank Mike over at Ok, Crazy for bringing the prism back home to mama. His blog is SO F'ING FUNNY and if you haven't read it yet then you need to go do is asap before you get attacked by killer locusts. You really don't want the last thought you have before death to be about a blog, do you? Nope. So go, go darling readers. But you'd better come back when you're done, damnit.

I want to give this award to Sandee at Comedy Plus. Sandee's blog always puts a smile on my face and I look forward to dropping on it. And have you seen her awards page? Good lord! She is on a friggin' cruise right now, while the rest of us slave away at our respective jobs or homes, cooking dinner after dinner for our family without an OUNCE of thanks or gratitude for being the glue that holds this damn family together!!!!!!! Whoa. Sorry. I think I've been watching too much Lifetime TV or something.

Anyway, I was also awarded this from Ethan aka The Natural State Hawg:

Which totally caught me off guard. SO flattered. He writes about smart people stuff which is totally awesome, but my blog must be like mind cotton candy to him. Which is cool. I can live with that. Everyone reads Hawg's blog, but if you don't then you're missing out on some great stories from the perspective of an Arkie. Don't know what an "Arkie" is? Go read his blog and educate yourself, peeps.

And I tried, but I just cant pick any one single person to give this to. I love ALL your blogs! If I comment, that means I'm reading daily. And I don't read blogs I don't love. So consider it all of yours, babies.

And I'm done spending my BFF Gold Card on imaginary shoes, and I want to pass the fortune on to Chat Blanc, at Wit's Bitch.
I love her dry, sarcastic humor and she always comments on my inane tweets, too. She loves Fashion Week just like I do, she hates bugs just like I do, and we're both on the hunt of a new source of cizash. She's recruiting ghost busters today, so go sign up if your interested.

Also, Laura at A Junk Foodaholic tagged me for the "SIX ~~Unspectacular~~AWESOMELY BADASS QUIRKS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF AND NEED LOTS AND LOTS OF PRAISE AND REASSURANCE ABOUT" meme earlier this month. Sorry it took me so damn long, Laura! If you've been reading my blog for a while you'll definitely remember that insanity, but if you haven't, go here and prepared to be amazed at the amount of crazy.

Whew! There ya go. Thank you all so much for my shiny new awards! Have a great weekend, guys!

How to look totally crazy just to win a camera - in three easy steps!

2008-09-24T12:54:00.008-05:00

Step one:
Gather materials. You will need a sheet of paper, a marker of some sort, scissors, tape and a glass of milk.
Step two:
Use marker to write out your blog's URL on the piece of paper. Cut it out and apply a loop of tape to the back side.
Step three:
Attach the cut out piece of paper to your forehead. Take a huge gulp of milk, making sure that your milk mustache is on prominent display. Snap photo. Post to blog. Pray to all things holy that you win the damn camera so this humiliating moment will be worth it all in the end. Convince self you are not a woman on the verge of desperation, no, it is art.

Voila! However, there are a few things you should know beforehand: it is really hard to smile with a milk mustache, there is no way to look cute with a piece of paper stuck to your head unless you are like, Heidi Klum or a child or just not me, I guess, and be prepared to drink a lot of milk. Ugh.

I'm not giving back the jeans, so screw you karma

2008-09-23T11:19:00.007-05:00

Behold, my ugliest pair of shoes:

For the contest over at Barking Mad

And technically, these aren't even MY shoes!

My best friend and I have a very strange relationship when it comes to sharing clothing and shoes. We are lucky enough to wear mostly the same size (she has a little more "junk in the trunk" and I have...umm....I have "brighter headlights" I guess? Why are there no car analogies for bodacious tatas?) in said items, and when we lived closer together, our closets were practically interchangeable. The only problem with this situation: the borrowee hijacks the borrowed item and claims it as her own. My bff will go on and on and indignantly claim that she does not do this, but I accompanied her to class a few weeks back and what did I see on her feet? My white flip flops I thought went missing about 6 months ago. Huh! Imagine that.

However, this is not the case with these shoes. About 3 years ago, we were shopping together at Khols and she showed me the above pair of shoes that she "really loved". I thought she was insane and told her they were hideous, but she ignored my disgust and lamented that she did not have the money. It being very close to her birthday, I had the brilliant idea to come back and get these shoes for her at a later date. You might argue that a good friend would never let their good friend commit a fashion crime, but if I had that mindset, I would have donated more than half of her clothes to Goodwill a long time ago.

(KIDDING...just seeing if you're paying attention, lala)

Of course when I went back to purchase the ugly beasts, they were sold out. So after searching all over the city for these shoes, I proudly presented them to her on her birthday. She seemed happy at the time, but a few months later when I needed to quickly borrow some black boots for something or other, she thrust these at me and never looked back. Since I hate them, I've tried to return them to her a few times, but she's not having it, and further inquiry has provided me with the opinion I knew she had all along: she doesn't like them any more. So I ended up buying myself a pair of ugly shoes in the end of it all, really. Maybe this is karma's way of telling me to give her back her jeans she doesn't know I've had for 2 years?

I love you, Mr. Coffee

2008-09-22T09:31:00.007-05:00

We've been in the market for a new coffee maker for a while now, and this weekend we went out and finally bit the bullet. Our previous coffee pot looked something like this:
It made - gasp - only 4 cups, and it had one button: off or on. Your only choice: Do you want coffee or not? It took me less than a minute to make coffee in the morning, and since I only drink 2 cups, it was perfect for me. Not so perfect for the other coffee drinking person who lives in this house, or if we had more than 2 guests over. Whatever.

So off to Target we went in search of our new liquid crack machine. When we arrived in the designated aisle, I couldn't believe what I saw - What were all these shiny buttons? Is that a...clock? On a coffee pot? And get a load of this - did you know you can actually set a timer on your coffee maker and have it start making coffee before you even wake up??? And guys, I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I didn't even know that they had permanent coffee filters. As you can probably tell, I've been drinking my coffee back in 1979 or something. But I had no problem with our little Mr. Coffee from back in the day. I think it's nice to keep things simple sometimes, you know?

Somehow, this is the one we ended up getting:

Ho. Lee. Shit. This coffee maker does not fuck around. It has a timer, a program feature, an alarm and you can select your brew strength. This mofo cranks out 12 cups of coffee in like, 3 minutes! It has a permanent filter (just doin' our part for mama earth, ya'll), a water filter and this crazy little knob that lets you select the temperature on the coffee plate. The only down side? It took me 5 minutes to figure out how to turn this bitch on today. I'm pretty sure I heard the smug laughter from the old coffee pot we shoved away under the counter. Jerk.

Barking mad for the Cannon give away!

2008-09-21T14:38:00.006-05:00

So you want to see a picture of the most organized "under the bed space" ever?

Well, maybe not THE MOST organized, but for me that's progress.

While reading Nik's blog, Prose & Converse, I stumbled upon a contest thrown by the lovely and generous Auds, over at Barking Mad. She's giving away a Canon camera with all the trimmings and ya'll - mama wants a new camera and I am not going to let this one pass me by.

Wanna play along and be my competition? Here's what ya gotta do: Go visit the site, snap a pic per her request, put your URL on that Mr. Linky thingy and that's it! You can enter up to 5 times, and the contest runs for nearly a full month. Easy! The above photo was snapped for the category, "Under your bed", and I promise I didn't spend 15 minutes furiously cleaning and straightening up all those plastic containers. Seriously. Promise.

Go do it!

Get your contest on!

I blame Monster.com for this

2008-09-19T12:35:00.008-05:00

So this morning I woke up at 8am, showered, shaved my legs, put on make up and drove 22 miles both ways to go to a job interview that turned out to be FRAUDULENT.

I haven't had a whole lot of free time lately, but when I can I spend as much time as possible sending my resume all over town. I swear I've sent an email out to every business, shop, corporation and agency in town - short of oil companies, that is. I know you may be surprised to find out, but I do have morals! And since Houston is an oil town I am severely limiting my options, but I'd rather be poor than supporting environment killers. How could I take that blood money, anyway? All I could see when I put on a new pair of shoes would be a sad, baby seal face splotched in oil looking up at me.

But I digress.

I arrived this morning for my interview at five minutes before 10am. I put my name on the sign in sheet, and noticed that, what? 5 other people are also here at 10am to meet with the same person I have an appointment with. And then I thought, "Oh shit, probably not a good sign", but set to work filling out some preliminary paperwork anyway. After a short wait, I was called into an office where I was sat down face to face with the douchiest looking 19 year old child with bleach blond spiky hair and a smug smirk on his lips. He proceeds to tell me that the position I've driven 22 miles both ways to interview for has already been filled, but how do I feel about selling Kirby vacuums door to door?

OH. HELL. NO.

It was then that I turned into a crazy woman. I could NOT believe that me, at the age of 25, was tricked into driving across the city and then had to sit in front of this smarmy little punk ass with a smirk on his face, being offered to sell the DEVIL'S VACUUMS door to fucking door! I stood, and told him he was wasting my time and I didn't appreciate being led into a false application process, and has he seen the price of gas these days? After threatening to report him to the BBB, I then proceeded to the reception room, where I clarified the situation for the rest of the poor souls, and stormed out of the office with a satisfying slam of the door. All of this was done with a shrill kind of screeching voice and a pointed finger. I'm not exactly sure what happened...I think I might have been possessed or something.

I do not want to sell vacuums. Or Mary Kay. Or be in a pyramid scheme. People, all I want is a normal 8-5 position where I do my job, and go home to my real life. Is that too damn much to ask?!!

Two awards and a magic box

2008-09-18T10:46:00.005-05:00

Well would you look at this:

The lovely and hilarious Ettarose gave me this award! Can you believe it?! Let me educate you a little bit on this particular award - it originated from Etta herself, and she created this award, to quote, " because words sometimes are not enough to show how much our blogger friends mean to us". So this award is like, extra special and important and did I mention that SHE gave it to little ole ME?!! SO flattered. If you are not reading her blog then you must be living under a rock or something. EVERYONE reads Edge of Sanity. Get with the program! Damn! Don't you want to be one of the cool kids?

Anyway, I want to pass this one on to my girl Petra, over at the Wise, (*Young*) Mommy. Petra was one of the first to become a regular commenter here, and she is totally sweet and non judgmental, and if we lived closer together I'm sure we'd start a Friday night "knitting club" which would really just be a front for drinking wine and bitching about kids and our insane neuroses or something. She's also up for one of the Dottie Awards over at Momdot.com, so go vote for her! What are friends for if not to pimp each other out?

Speaking of Petra, she gave me the BFF Goldcard Award a few days ago:

Which is awesome, except its not real and I cant spend it. THANKS PETRA! I kid, I kid, seriously, you CAN spend it, just in a different way. Like on fantasies and stuff. I bet you didn't know you needed a virtual visa to fantasize about buying blahniks, huh? Yep! Thats what its coming to these days. Blame the government. I'll give this one away sometime in the near future.

And I'm sure you guys may have seen this around the blogosphere the past few days:

Click on the magical black box and see where it takes you! Who did you guys get?

I'm officially changing my fruity drink of choice to a Pina Colada

2008-09-16T12:36:00.008-05:00

So guess what? HURRICANES SUCK. I will never, ever be able to look at one the same way, again. If you're living under a rock, or out of state, Galveston was hit pretty hard - obviously. Houston sustained some minor damage, mostly from fallen trees. We were one of the .1% of people in Houston who never, ever lost power. Or cable. Or phone. Booyah, Ike! Cant hold me down. And lots of baby squirrels have been found all over the area:

How freakin adorable are these little guys? JP's family found this one in their front yard. And this is a bulletin to all Houstonians: If you have found a baby squirrel, please contact me and I will take it off your hands. I'm being totally serious!! I WANT A BABY SQUIRREL. I WANT ONE NOW!

Next time a hurricane decides to roll though, I'm evacuating - to the Bahamas. Fuck sitting around all day waiting for impending doom; I'll be sipping a margarita on the beach. I'm gonna start a hurricane savings account right now! Or as soon as the banks open back up, I guess. Whatever.

And all the people who came to my blog to wish me luck or comment just cause you were ~~horrified~~ in awe of my giant box of wine - Thank you all so, so much for all the well wishes, offers of prayers and good vibes from the bottom of my heart.

HUNKER, DAMN IT!

2008-09-13T01:26:00.002-05:00

Observe a smattering of our amazing Hurricane Ike essentials. Not shown: water, batteries, flashlights, floaties, noodles, flares, big sign that says, "TAKE A HIKE, IKE", dominoes, shot glasses, and defense baseball bat - for the looters.

Its about 1:30am and amazingly our power has yet to go out. Winds are at 70mph out there - yikes. But we're here, "hunkering down", keeping safe and enjoying the A/C - for now, that is. Thank you all so much for your well wishes, and I'll continue the blog to its regularly scheduled programming on Monday.

Ike, you suck

2008-09-11T16:03:00.007-05:00

September 11th anniversary + Hurricane Ike + crazed Houstonians buying up all the water, gas, ice and cigarettes + mom's frantic 30 minute phone calls from across the country begging me to evacuate + noisy helicopters flying over my house constantly filming the traffic on the freeway +24/7 live coverage of the hurricane on internet and TV = a dazed, cranky, and anxious Athena

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. I need a drink.

We're about 50 miles from the coast, so we're not going anywhere, but if you live in the coastal regions of Texas, I hope you've taken all the precautions you need to keep safe.

Maybe Cosmo can use the the large hadron collider to go back in time?

2008-09-10T10:40:00.010-05:00

I am in a pissy damn mood today and it wasn't made any better by reading this shitty, offensive article titled, "What Makes Men Fall In Love" by Cosmopolitan .

Now right, I know, Cosmo isnt exactly the Associated Press and its material is definitely lacking, but the magazine has been around for 112 years, is printed in 34 different languages and is distributed to over 100 countries, so there is no doubt this crap is being read.

If you're too lazy to click the link, the article goes through the "4 primal desires" of men that you might not know could be fucking up your relationship! I know, I had no idea either. See below:

The Desire: To Protect:
Summary: Give him a job (no, not that kind of job although I'm actually kinda surprised they didn't suggest this). Make him feel "useful" around the house. Wear soft materials to heighten his amorous instincts. Wear his clothes so he'll know you've chosen him over the other guys.

Sooooo...we're just humoring the men now? And what if you cant fit in his clothes? Will a hat suffice?

The desire: Freedom:
Summary: Blow him off once in a while (no, not THAT kind of blow...are you loving all the oral sex euphemisms?) Tell him if you're nervous about committing because it will put aside his fears that you are not a, quote, "baby-hungry-ring-hunter". Little changes in your appearance (like changing your hair) remind him that your have millions of facets to your personality.

I definitely think my hair reflects the complexity of my mind, so that's good.

The desire: To shine
Summary: Keep it light, let him take the credit for making new friends, and playing and being good at mental games like Scrabble or chess shows him you're a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.

Fuck. I am so not watching Jeopardy! with JP anymore.

The desire: To comfort
Summary: Let him watch you primp - but only cutesy stuff like powder and lipstick, not icky stuff like tweezing your eyebrows. Food, or course, feed him. And if you know he's not a murderer, fall asleep on him so he'll see you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.

Uh..so are you telling me I shouldn't be flossing my teeth in front of JP?

So in total, Cosmo thinks we should just be treating our husbands and boyfriends like simple creatures who like soft things, food and chess. Gotcha. Well, Athena thinks we should be teaching our young women is that men are different like you and I are different, but we are all EQUAL. We should be teaching them to demand equality in the home and workplace, to be compassionate but not a doormat, and to follow their passions, not try to dumb them down or give them up completely for your significant others. It is just ridiculous that we, as women, have come so far and this ignorant, misinformed bullshit just keeps getting out. Its really such a shame, and whats even worse is the magazine is obviously is read by millions of teenagers across America, filling their youthful little minds with a load of shit that they're hopefully too smart to believe...or at the very least, too high to retain.

Halloween: it aint your mama's holiday no mo'. I'm actually not sure it ever was but I think you know what I mean.

2008-09-09T13:11:00.006-05:00

So I've been putting in a lot of thought about my Halloween costume this year. I'm secretly a big fan of dressing up in costume, but I haven't done it in years except that one time my gay friend told me I'd look hot as a dude and made me dress in drag and then we went to Waffle House. It wasn't halloween or anything, but it still counts I think.

And ya'll. There are some crazy hilarious costumes out there. Did you want to be a like, a more girly, sexy gangster version of Robin Hood? Party City has got you covered. Or maybe you were like, "DAMN. I really want to be like, a sexy eskimo, but where oh where will I find a costume?"? Look no further, girl. This one, which claims to be Tinkerbell (maybe on acid?), will scare the shit out of you. Just click on it and see what I mean. Fuh-reaky.

Anyway, its just such a dilemma as a woman to dress in costume, don't you think? You have two choices: brazen slut or witch. And I've already done the witch thing. Remember that scene in Mean Girls where Lindsey Lohan goes to the party filled with scantily clad girls dressed as "kittens" and "angels" but she's dressed really scary and bloody? That was basically me a few halloweens ago. I pretty much spent the entire time in the kitchen doing shots and making little people out of vienna sausages and toothpicks. There was a minor incident when a few of the guests looked at my costume, and then at my vienna sausage army with toothpicks shoved through their bodies, and thought I was making voodoo dolls but it was all cleared up before the night was over. Sheesh. I mean, I thought it was common knowledge that you cant even make voodoo dolls unless its a full moon during a rising tide! People are so damn uptight.

Sigh. I just dont know anymore. What are you guys gonna be? Any tried and true costumes? I obviously need some help...otherwise, I'll just end up wrapping a sheet around myself and being a toga person. Which, probably wouldnt be that bad I guess...at least I could carry beer around as a prop! I'm pretty sure that would go over real well with all the families when we go trick-or-treating, huh?

This has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction, thank god

2008-09-08T09:34:00.015-05:00

Have you seen that Cialis commercial where the couple is in the kitchen, all lovey dovey making out and shit, and they lean on the kitchen faucet (like that's normal) and it breaks? I tried to find the video, but no dice. So here is a photo montage for your imagination:

(imagine this is the kitchen)

Well technically that isn't how it goes, but my version is better and you know it.

Anyway, this weekend I had a very similar occurrence. The kid went to grandma's house on Friday and we had two days of blissful, quiet, relaxing naked alone time to look forward to. It had been a while since I did the shaving routine, and I thought it would be nice if my boyfriend didn't get cut while I was wrapping my legs around his back, so I went in the shower to take care of business. I took my time, exfoliating and shaving all the way past the knee, and when I was finally finished, I went to turn the faucet off but nope, wasn't happening. I twisted it to the left some more, then back to the right to turn it off again, but it was even worse. Fuck. Water was shooting out everywhere, at geyser force. I wrapped a towel around myself and went into the bedroom, only to be greeted by my ready and raring to go boyfriend. I was faced with a decision:

Bad girl: "Just do him! Be spontaneous! Its hot."
Good girl: "He'd be so pissed if I flooded the house, though."
Bad girl: "No, that's hot! Then you could writhe around all over the floor together, water streaming over the edge of the tub onto your bodies flushed with lust and need, making your bodies steam with wanton desire!"
Good girl: "Wow, that is pretty hot I guess."
Bad girl: "Girl, I know you so well. So do it, just go do it...you know you want to. Deb would. HappyHourSue would. Jenny definitely would, that bitch it crazy."
Good girl: "Welllll....."

And then the battle of good vs. evil was interrupted by JP asking, "Honey! What the hell is that noise?"

Unfortunately, it took like 45 minutes to fix. On the plus, I got to see my naked boyfriend wielding a screwdriver. And if you don't think seeing your significant other nude, using tools and fixing stuff is hotter than a June bride in a feather bed, then you are obviously not as fucked up as I am. Kudos.

And I'm only 25.

2008-09-05T13:13:00.005-05:00

You know when you see something and you're like, wtf is this? but you're too cool to ask, then you start seeing it everywhere and then you really want to know, but it's been too long and you realized you should've found out a lot sooner, so you google it and google doesn't have the answer? You know you're fucked when google cant help you.

And I know you guys are smarter than google, right?

So, at the risk of looking like a n00b (isn't that what all the kids say?) I'm calling upon the infinite wisdom and knowledge of my 12 many readers to help me with a few answers. Yes, that would be you.

1. Why do people put a # sign in front of the events they're at when tweeting about them? I first saw this a lot when people were tweeting from blogher. I just don't know. Does this mean that you're at blogger but you cant use the @ sign because it will reply or something? If so, why don't people just post #coffeeshop or #nana's house?

2. Should I be on a social networking site for job searching? For the past few months I've been looking for a job, I kept getting re-directed to LinkedIn. What the hell? What happened to just sending resumes online? And when I do that, I keep getting replies from spam (thanks, craigslist). Is there a secret location I dont know about? Also, if you are on LinkedIn, throw a sister a bone cause I am embarrassingly without contacts.

3. How do you embed an image on a forward bulletin on myspace? I know, this one is a little weird and techy, but I keep getting these bulletins about animal shelters and requests to pass them on. I copy the whole thing, then paste in a new bulletin, but the images never show up. And since the pictures of sad puppies and kitties is really necessary to guilt you into rescuing an animal, I never forward them and I'm pretty sure I'm about to get a hit put out on me by a couple animal shelters.

So there you go, dear readers. Please help me in my quest to be...what is the opposite of a n00b? Oh, well, google answered that one for me and I guess its just as bad. What the fuck is wrong with the kids these days? Wheres the fucking love? If you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all! Now go to your room!!!! Damn kids.

Slingin' sandwiches

2008-09-03T10:37:00.003-05:00

So in our (seemingly) never ending quest to move to la suburbia (what I'm calling it in an obviously desperate attempt to make it seem more hip), it has been decided that I should get a job. A job outside of the home, that pays in actual cash money not just life experiences and colored pictures of Wall*E.

I've been searching for a job for a while now, without much luck. Because I'm picky and I don't want to spend 3 hours of my day commuting back and forth like the rest of this god forsaken city. My background is something along the lines of administrative work, so you may ask yourself how I ended up getting a job waiting tables.

Sigh. Desperate times call for desperate measures, no? I waited tables for years and years before my little kidlet came along, and once she did I decided that I needed a grown up job with better hours. Nearly 5 years have gone by since I laid my delicate hands on a server tray, and I basically got so frustrated that no one wanted to hire me that I went somewhere where I was assured to get hired - a restaurant.

Pros about waiting tables
Quick, easy money
Flexible hours
Tasty food within reach
Will definitely provide me with bizarre and probably gross stuff to tell you guys about

Cons about waiting tables
Waitstaff drama
I am a huge klutz and I break stuff a lot
Tasty food within reach
Sidework and tipouts
Bitchy customers
Cheap customers
Grueling work with no hope for positive reinforcement since everyone knows waitstaff are slaves to the community
Totally demoralizing

I am SO above this, people. The only reason I decided to even entertain the thought of waitressing is because we need to speed up the process of moving out of the city. I'm doing it for my family to better our situation. So really, I'm like a hero. AND NOT LIKE THE SANDWICH.

Aint no party like an h-town party

2008-08-31T15:39:00.003-05:00

The final theme for doodle week is party:

Which is appropriate, because today is my best friends birthday! The above picture is a representation of how we spent our night last night. Not shown: crowds of d-bag males, glitter, blisters from dancing in stiletto's, puke (not ours) and police men (the real kind, not strippers). Unfortunately, I did not listen to the wisdom of yesterday's smiley face and am paying for it today. It's up to you to decide which piece of advice I chose to ignore.

Something yellow

2008-08-30T09:23:00.003-05:00

Something yellow, for doodle week.

Have a fun weekend, guys!

Enhancing sexy times since 1967

2008-08-29T13:11:00.007-05:00

So have you guys seen this?

That's right, my friends. Cool whip in aerosol form. Ignore that pesky little voice inside your head protesting that cool whip contains oils, maybe motor oil?, possibly CFC's and leaves your mouth with a weird film on top - just silence it. This is a HUGE break through, people. Have you ever tried to enhance your sexy times by bringing a little food play into the bedroom? Got out the trusty can of Reddi-whip and went crazy with it? And then you noticed that, Ew. Stickiness where there is not supposed to be stickiness - the artificial kind, anyway. That's because Reddi-whip is made with real dairy, and once mixed with your drying saliva trails of love, will not only smell terrible, but will cause your ass to be glued to your satin sheets. And that is not sexy. Do yourself a favor and try cool whip instead of that lame KY his and hers lube. I promise spectacular results, with no guarantee of any kind.

(And no, that was not a paid post. Although, if I ever did paid posting, all my reviews would be that way and I would probably be the only person ever to be banned for reviewing products)

(Although, how awesome would it be if Cool Whip sent me a whole case of their new product for me to review? Imagine what you could do with TWELVE CANS of cool whip? Foam party? ~~Whippits?~~ Random cool whip attacks? There are so many possibilities...)

And today's doodle week theme is air:

Which is indicative of how I feel today.

Have a great weekend guys!

I've been brainwashed by my own brain

2008-08-28T11:43:00.009-05:00

So have you guys noticed that the Halloween stuff is already out at your local store? I first noticed this a few weeks ago, at Target (of course) and I was stunned. I know this topic has been beaten to death, but I SWEAR it just gets earlier and earlier every year. Its nice to plan ahead, but if I go out and buy my stuff now, I'll stick it in a closet, forget about it, and then re-buy all the stuff I already did 10 days before Halloween....

...And now I suddenly understand.

Anyway, since I was reminded that yes, Halloween will be here in about 90 days, I asked my daughter what she wanted to be this year. "Hmmm," she said thoughtfully, "I think I want to be....a duck!" I gave her an odd look, and said, "Honey, what if I cant find a duck costume?" "Maybe I want to be a dog, then!" She exclaimed. "What about a pirate?" I asked, hopefully. "I wanna be a PIG!" She screeched, completely ignoring my suggestion. To say my daughter isn't exactly a "girly" girl would be a bit of an extreme understatement.

And today's doodle theme is fire, and this is what I've been fantasizing about lately:

(click to enlarge...............that's what she said, hahahhahalst4dahdhadf)
(sorry, been watching too many Office re-runs)

The weather in Houston is miserable, sticky, rainy and HOT like the second circle of hell (that's where all the hot girls and guys go when they cant keep it in their pants, fyi) and winter will not bestow her cool hand upon our city probably until...mid January. And only for a few weeks, at that. But Autumn will roll through soon, probably at the end of October, and it's the perfect time to cozy up to your sweetie and enjoy life by the fire. Or in front of your space heater with a "special friend", whatever your situation may be.

The devil's drink

2008-08-27T11:34:00.004-05:00

Today's theme for doodle week is water:

And yes, that is a bottle of water in hell. I personally feel that bottled water not only causes tons and tons of waste, it also makes us pay for a basic human right. Yes, bottled water is a necessity in third world countries and in emergency situations, but I believe we can combat that need and find a better solution. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! Oh wait, that's Obama's slogan, isn't it? I'm sure he wont mind if I borrow it for this post.

Learn more about bottled water here and here.

At least I keep things interesting

2008-08-26T12:07:00.009-05:00

Conversation between JP and I last night:

JP, sitting at the computer: "Hey honey, did you hear about all that pirating off the coast of Somalia?"

Me, on the couch, idly flipping through channels: "Um, no."

JP: "Isn't that crazy?"

Me: "I guess." Pause. "Wait, why do they have to go all the way to Africa?"

JP: Gives me a blank stare. "I don't know...cause it's remote?"

Me: "Oh. Huh." To myself, "So now pirating is so dangerous and illegal that people have to go live in fucking Somalia to bring us illegal downloads of Rhianna and Jonas Brother's music? Damn. Someone should really throw a benefit to help these people or something. "

Later on:

JP: Look at this - shows me more articles on pirating and how much it's been fucking shit up for the harbors and boats or something, I don't know.

Me: Wow, I never knew pirating was still in style these days, I mean - light bulb - OHHHHH earlier you meant pirating, like, "Aaaargh, matey, didn't you?"

JP, looking at me strangely: "Yeah...what did you think?"

Me: "Um, illegal downloads?"

Riotous laughter from Mr. Smart Ass

Me: You're so gonna laugh at me with your co-workers tomorrow, aren't you?

JP: "We'll see how busy I am."

I know, isn't he lucky?

And of course, for doodle week, today's theme is doodle earth. Check out my earth, ya'll!!!!!!

Interested in showing off your doodles? Go here!

Its that time again!!!!

2008-08-25T12:14:00.007-05:00

Ya'll. I cant help it. I freakin love doodle week:

It's going on until the 31st, and you should jump on the bandwagon. (If you couldn't tell, today's theme is a sunflower).
I know its not exactly funny (unless you're laughing at my inability to draw with MS Paint, then sure) but I love to draw so you guys are going to have to deal with my crazy doodles in between posts. Okay! So get your ass on board and go draw a damn sunflower!

1:29pm

2008-08-25T11:08:00.003-05:00

Four years ago today, I gave birth to this little monster:

Happy Birthday, princess angel!

MORE awards!!!!!!

2008-08-22T13:41:00.009-05:00

I have a few very important things I need to take care of today. Namely...

I GOT 2 MORE AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!

Cant read the fine print? It says, "You're looking at a Kick Ass Blogger"! Hey, hey people, this is like a license to kick ass or something, so you just watch it. Not like I have any reason to kick anyone's ass cause you guys have been so lovely and wonderful, really, but step out of line and face the wrath!!!!! The wrath of a kick ass blogger!!!! WOO!!!

Hmm, these awards really make me into a bit of a tyrant, huh? My bad. I'll try to keep it in check, but I make no promises.

ANYWAY, I was given this award by Petra over at The Wise (Young) Mommy, who writes a hilarious and addicting blog about her life as the mother of 2 young kids. Her style is reminiscent of sitting down with a good friend, which I love. Go read her stuff or you'll get a visit from ceiling cat tonight at the least opportune time. And that would just be awkward. And with awards come nominations, so I'd like to pass the love on to:

1. Vodka Mom
Her hilarious comments on my posts make me laugh, and I've really enjoyed reading her blog over the past few days. An excerpt from her site, "I like to fuck up at least once a day. It keeps me humble." This is like my new motto, people. Go check her out.

2. Venus Angell over at For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic
This girl gets the Kick Ass Blogger Award not only for having a seriously funny blog with great pictures, but for her Bravery In The Act Of Posting. This post alone was creeptastic, and girlfriend went the extra mile by finding 14 different pictures. That's dedication.

I also got an award from Sassy Mama Bear over at Cafe At The End Of The Universe. She runs a cute, fun blog full of great pictures and inspirational posts. I hope things are going better for you, Sassy Mama Bear and you're feeling much, much better.

As you can see, she gave me the Addictive Blog Award:

I'm like heroin! Crack-cocaine!! Look at that little monkey, he's like, "Hell yeah, this is some good shit!" I am totally down with being an Addictive Blog, and I consider it a great honor. Just promise me you guys will never go to rehab, okay?! They cant do it like I can!!! And if I'm not enough to keep the shakes at bay, try taking a hit off of these guys:

The Hypocritical One over at That Tears it...!
I'm a newbie to his blog, and what an addictive blog it is! His entry about Right Laners made me re-think my position on the road, and I literally LOLed when I read his comparison to the random clips of the Chinese gymnasts being akin to seeing the Grady girls in "The Shining." Exactly. Go read it.

Chat Blanc over at Wit's Bitch
Her suggestions on how to avoid an awkard next morning interlude would have come in handy 6 years ago, but I can still appreciate a good getaway plan. And she's starting a cult, too! Haven't you always wanted to join a cult? This one has chips and salsa that never end!!!! Go read her blog and you'll soon figure out exactly what I mean by seriously addicting.

So THANK YOU so much again to Petra and Sassy Mama Bear! And thank you, too, to all the guys who read and comment on the craziness I decide to post. Have a great weekend, guys!

I need help. Maybe mentally.

2008-08-21T11:32:00.010-05:00

So is it just me, or is grocery shopping with your significant other an HUGE pain in the ass?

Remember the first time you two stepped foot into a Kroger's together? How it was sooooo romantic picking out the food ya'll were going to cook at one of your respective houses, like you were a regular married couple? Wasn't that sweet? Too bad it only lasts until you get into a fight about the price per ounce on a pound of ground sirloin. Then you wake up. Then you realize, "Huh. If Cheap Ass McGee wasn't here, I could get the organic ground beef like any other sane person, instead of being guilted into the funky tube o' meat."

But thats not all. There are different types of shoppers. Some are the blow and go type, where every trip is like supermarket sweep, and they just want to get the hell out of there. Others, like me, are the languid kind of shoppers. Comparing nutritional content, apples vs. oranges - literally - and taking a trip down every aisle, just to see whats out there. And when you're a leisurely shopper who falls in love with the blow and go kind, well...there are bound to be a few differences.

My best friend and I were discussing this last night, and she confessed that her and her high school sweetheart still love to grocery shop together and I was truly impressed. And they've been together for like, 10 years or something crazy like that. Screw flowers, that's some romantic shit right there. I mean, seriously, am I the only one who wants to have a throw down in the produce section? Is there some sort of therapy group for this? Have I finally gone off the deep end? Is there no end to the amount of questions I could ask before driving you insane? Probably not. So tell me, are you having problems like me? If so, how do you cope? Is there some sort of secret?
I NEED TO KNOW, PEOPLE. And don't say valium and a stiff drink beforehand, cause last time I tried that I just let him do the shopping while I rode that little carousel in front for 30 minutes, and I don't think my self esteem can handle getting banned from yet another grocery store.

Who said crime doesn't pay?

2008-08-19T13:39:00.011-05:00

Its no secret right now people are some broke ass mofo's - myself included. The economy is in the crapper, a gallon of milk costs more than an eyebrow wax and you cant go three feet without the shrill wail of someone bitching about gas prices piercing your eardrum.

And people are fighting back. Clipping coupons, having garage sales, blogging the recession, buying generic, becoming an egg/sperm donor, pawning your 360, etc. are just a few ways you can speak out or cope with the recession that "isn't happening".

Another option might be to get a side job.

One lady in Houston decided a teacher's salary just wasn't cutting it, so she invited "some dude" to the Four Seasons downtown for a little cash for ass. Imagine her surprise and dismay to find out she was set up by the fuzz. I mean, damn. All the girl was trying to do was make a little extra cash so she could make her damn car payment. Or buy a pair of Louboutins, maybe, I don't know. But girlfriend was obviously broke - did I mention the teacher's salary? And the recession? Far be it for me to pass judgment on a woman who makes 23,000 a year to teach screaming kids who don't appreciate what she's doing for them in the first place.

In fact, her desperation is downright inspirational. Taking a page out of her book, here are a few other ideas that might make you a few extra dollars and pull you out of your financial slump:

Administrative Assistant/Drug Pusher
You're in the office at 8am. Vanilla cubicle. Boring meetings. Mindless diet chatter. No one likes to be in that situation, and people are working for the weekend. Why not spice things up with a little chemical substance sampling? Make an established name for yourself around the office and sit back and wait. You can bet people will come shuffling around your cubicle, kicking their feet and glancing at the ceiling, muttering something about adderall tablets and spreadsheet deadlines.

Estimated extra income: $4,000.00 annually.

Real Estate Agent/Black market Goods Seller
Since foreclosure is such a threat these days and people are saving their pennies for an umbrella to use on the rainy day they were originally saving for, why not use your empty houses for a platform? Scour the internet for pilfered cartons of Marlboro's or stolen guns on the cheap, and have a private viewing and auction for said illegal goods. Be creative! Times are tough now, and you never know what a case of Charmin might fetch.

Estimated extra income: Anywhere from 5,000.00 to 5 mil.

Restaurateur/Pimp
With more and more people opting to dine in to save a little cash, you need to give them some extra incentive to come eat out at your place - if you know what I mean. Hire some pretty young waiters and waitresses and keep things going after hours. Make a menu with items like, "In-N-Out in your burger" and "Ryan's steak all up in your house" up for grabs, and watch the extra cash come flowing in.

Estimated extra income: 3 million a year, minus cost in condoms and STD testing fees.

Hot Child In The Suburbs takes no responsibilities for arrests, indictment, diseases or stabbings that may occur. I do not recommend breaking the law, and if you follow this advice please seek professional medical help and assistance.

I am going to get so much hatemail for this

2008-08-18T15:19:00.005-05:00

So my friend calls me last weekend and says, "Hey, I read the post about your "Six Awesomely Badass Quirks" the other day, and I cant believe you didn't include your ridiculous fear of dolphins." To which I replied, "SHUT UP! I am NOT scared of dolphins!" Cause in reality I'm a 25 year old woman going on 13.

But seriously you guys. Its not ridiculous. Dolphins are dangerous, loathsome creatures and we should all be aware of their evil and vindictive ways.

When people find out I have an aversion to these marine animals, they are usually quite baffled. People think of dolphins and images of Flipper come to mind, but there is something sinister to me lurking beneath their shiny gray exteriors and toothy smiles.

They are not cute. They are not nice. People, they are the undercover murderers and molesters of the sea. If a dolphin had thumbs, I'm pretty sure it would shank you and steal your iPhone if it had the opportunity. Supposedly, they're intelligent creatures, so they might be able to do it without thumbs, so watch your back. They are self aware creatures, too, which makes them even more dangerous. They are killing innocent mackerel left and right, relishing in the bloodshed and gore.

Whats even more sickening about dolphins is their blowhole:

(Sidenote: Never, ever google an image of "blowhole" if your safe search is not turned on. Oh. My. God.)

It is a HOLE. A nearly perfect circle on top of their head. If that doesn't give you the willies there is something wrong with you. And yeah yeah, I know its so they can breathe but every time I see a picture of one, I just want to stuff a cork in it. Excuse me if I think its pretty sick that I can look down and peer into your body. Yeah, no thanks. And I don't care what anyone says, I know humans have holes in their body but it is NOT THE SAME. Our holes are not on top of our heads.

So this summer if you're out on a yacht, swimming in the pacific or on a snorkeling excursion, and you come in contact with a dolphin DON'T PANIC. Do not make eye contact, make any sudden movements or attempt to shoot it with a harpoon. Slowly swim away, keeping the dolphin in your line of sight, until you are at least 30 feet away or back on the boat. The worst thing you could ever do is kill a dolphin. Once they're through mourning the loss of their kin, they will send out a search party for you and take you down like Chris Brown on a groupie.

Consider this your public service announcement.

Six awesomely badass quirks

2008-08-14T11:16:00.005-05:00

Guess what! The lovely and talented Petra over at The Wise (Young) Mommy has tagged me for my very first meme ever! I am such a sucker for these things, and if you cant stand them, don't add me as a friend on your myspace! I mean, who can resist an opportunity for some good old fashioned self exploitation?!?

This one is titled, " Six Unspectacular Quirks About You". Hmm. I hate to break it to you guys, but I must admit, there is nothing unspectacular about me. I mean, really. So I'm renaming this meme to:

SIX AWESOMELY BADASS QUIRKS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF AND NEED LOTS AND LOTS OF PRAISE AND REASSURANCE ABOUT

Much better. Here goes.

1. Apparently I am quirky about food.

I guess I am a weirdo for wanting my food when or how I want it, but whatever - if I'm not in the mood for chinois, mexican or pizza, I will not eat it. Refuse. Decline. Reject. I guess this makes me HARD TO LIVE WITH, but go cry me a river - I live with your obsessive cleanliness habit, okay?! CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! Do you see me complaining?

2. I have a thing for free publications.

You know those stands at the exit of the grocery store with the Apartment Guides, Thrifty Nickles and Greensheets? Yeah, those. If you come into my house, you'll find them stacked up on the side table, next to the couch, ~~driving my anal retentive boyfriend with an obsessive cleaning habit crazy~~ generally enhancing the ambiance of my dwelling. My favorites are the Houston Press, Houston Family, and Skirt! Magazine. One of the great things about living in the city is the abundance of independently published free magazines. And okay, okay, I still get the Greensheet, too.

3. I will not drink light beer.

I just won't do it. Its disgusting. I haven't had a light beer in over 5 years, and I refuse to choke down a beer that tastes like pee. And don't tell me I've never tasted pee so I cant make that analogy because I really don't want to get into that discussion - it's just too humiliating. Beers are meant to be enjoyed, and I would rather be a happy size 10 with my Shiner Bock than be miserable size 6 drinking my Miller Lite.

4. I do not wear undies.

I haven't worn underwear in like, 9 years. Well, actually, when I wear dresses and skirts I do, but other than that, I am sans culottes. On Valentines day this year, I received a lovely box from Victoria's Secret filled to the brim with lovely, lacy things, and once in HS on my birthday I got a bunch of undies from a girl friend...perhaps some people don't exactly agree with my way of life?

5. I don't own a cell.

I haven't had a cell phone for almost a year now, and I do not want one, either. I think they're like invisible leashes. When I'm out doing stuff alone, I like to be alone, and I don't want to deal with having to turn my phone off just to get some personal time. I get a lot of shit about this, because people either want to get a hold of me and cant, or think I'm being irresponsible by not having one. True, having a cell will come in handy if I ever get a flat tire or something, but I rarely travel alone these days, and besides, what did people do when they had car trouble before cell phones?

6. I used to be a hippy

I fully believe I used to be a hippy in a past life. I'm completely serious. Evidence that points to this: Unexplained affection towards gunnysacks, 70's music, bohemian fashion and daisies, ~~past promiscuous sex~~, I used to smoke a lot of joints until I had a kid, peace signs, and hairstyle. Oh yes, and see #4. Other past lives I've had: Titanic casualty (severe aversion to cold water), Cleopatra (the exotic qualities have been passed along), and Amelia Earhart (don't ask me how I know, I just do.)

Ta-da!

Now of course, this meme comes with rules but I don't want to tag any one number of people because I want to know all the SPECTACULAR quirks all of you have! I'm serious!!! All of you guys who come to read my blog should do this because I am interested in finding out ~~good dirt I can hold against you later to get you to do something illegal for me~~ relevant and interesting facts about all my fellow bloggers!!! Do it!

I probably knocked 5 years off my journey to Alzheimer's, too

2008-08-13T09:57:00.007-05:00

Since I spent the majority of the day yesterday breathing in aluminum paint fumes, sitting in a house with the a/c turned off to combat the ventilation of said fumes, and then sleeping all night long without the cool caress of the air conditioner on my hot, sweaty skin, I am a little fucking cranky today.

Understandably.

I also think the paint fumes might have melted my brain a little bit...this morning, I'm in the kitchen, making cinnamon toast for my daughter. Toast, butter, cinnamon, sugar, check. I gave her the plate, and went back in the kitchen to start making coffee. Three seconds later, she comes running into the kitchen, with a look on her face like she just swallowed a fly. A fly covered in dog poop that just came out of a moldy, rotten apple.
"What? What is it?" I demanded, all freaked out, and she opened her mouth and a wad of half chewed bread tumbled out and plopped on the floor. Sick, I know. "What on earth is wrong?" I asked again, and she wailed, "It tastes NAAAAAAAAAASTY". Since cinnamon toast is usually only a weekend treat, I knew she wasn't being a freak about food like normal, and I took a closer look at the ingredients. Bread is fine, no mold. Butter, fine. Cumin, fine. OH. Oops.

I gave my daughter cumin sugar toast this morning. Awesome.

So I'm taking things a little easy today. No hard labor. No strenuous activity. Its obviously going to be "one of those days", and I don't need any more of this mental trickery after such a stressful day yesterday. A little deserved R&R, and I think a little pool side lounging and retail therapy with the kiddo should do the trick.

ANOTHER award!!!!!!

2008-08-12T11:14:00.006-05:00

Well would you look at this:

ANOTHER AWARD!!!!!!!!!! Thank you SO MUCH Di rty Laundry Diva! If you aren't reading her blog, God is not going to let you in to heaven when the time comes. So get over there and earn some angel points! I am so flattered to receive this award...I was nominated because she feels I am, to quote, "impacting the blogospere and contributing in a great way." Thats right, people. I'm a freaking blog philanthropist!!!!!!

This award comes with rules, and you all know how much I LOVE rules!

The rules for the AmyOops award are:

1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Oops” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award. http://www.amyoops.com.

Zip 'n' Tizzy
Named after her 2 boys, "Zip" and "Tizzy", her honest, comfortable writing is what keeps me coming back. Plus she's hilarious. And shameless - a characteristic I really love in a fellow blogger.

EttaRose over at Edge Of Sanity
Are you in desperate need of a redneck love poem for your sweetie? Look no further. She knows how fuse funny, seriousness and good old fashion ranting seamlessly together which is hard to do, and she pulls it off flawlessly. Her post about people who eat while they grocery shop also makes her a real life hero!

Dirty Shanks
If you are crafty and have a good sense of humor, go here now! She makes hilarious home-made cards and I love all of her work, especially this one, this one, and I'd like to recommend sending this one to your newly pregnant friend. Also has an etsy shop!

And GUESS WHAT?! I'm breaking the rules and only nominating three people! I am sitting inside a fume-y house (see Twitter side bar) and I think my brain officially stopped working. So THANKYOU SO MUCH for the award, Dirty Laundry Diva! Congratulations, ladies! Love your blogs!

The Olympics are sexy

2008-08-11T12:53:00.009-05:00

So was it like, "All Beijing Olympics, All The Time" central at your house like it was at ours this weekend?

In the past, I've really had no interest in the Olympics. Not for political reasons, or environmental reasons, or because I think The Olympics is exploiting underage girls, mainly just because I've either been preoccupied or had better stuff to do:

1984: 2 years old, wanted to watch Mr. Rogers Neighborhood instead.
1988: 6 years old, wanted to play with My Little Ponies instead.
1992: 10 years old, was busy practicing my Madonna stage routines in my bedroom.
1996: 14 years old, only interested in getting my period, watching MTV, and 3-way calling my friends.
2000: 18 years old, how do you watch TV while you spend all your time dancing and drinking in clubs?
2004: 22 years old, was busy freaking the hell out about being pregnant and impending child birth.

So now that I'm a little older, wiser, and lead a ~~tame, vanilla life as a stay at home mom~~ mature, more fulfilling life, I have more free time to pursue other intelligent interests.

Oh who am I kidding, my boyfriend wanted to watch it and I became hooked.

To be honest though, I wasn't really feeling it, until the swimming events:

and then I realized, "Why, I have been missing out on some riveting stuff! I think I will watch this!"

(Men and woman's beach volleyball, swimming, tennis, fencing, mens water polo and woman's synchronized swimming are among my other interests. Modern Pentathlon was momentarily on the list, too, until I figured out it said pentathlon NOT penetration. Damnit. )

There are 13 more days of Olympic stimulation, people. SET. YOUR. TIVO. You probably don't want to miss beach volleyball tonight, do you? Ladies in bikinis! Men in...what do the men wear? Oh. Too many clothes. Whatever. Still men playing volleyball which I find kinda hot for some reason. Maybe because its mainly portrayed as a woman's sport? Disrupting gender stereotypes gets me all riled up, really...what they NEED to do is make a men's synchronized swimming...mmmm....

Oh, you still here? I CANT BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE OLYMPICS!!!! Go! Go!

A punching bag would probably be a good investment

2008-08-07T12:15:00.010-05:00

Let me ask you a strictly hypothetical question for entertainment purposes only:
If you could just straight punch anyone in the world, who would it be and why?

For me, without a doubt, it would be my ex. My daughter's father. The baby daddy.

I am an easy going, fun, relaxed, non-condoning of violence in any way kind of person. I am pretty much the easiest person to get along with in the whole entire world, really. But for some reason, it is impossible for the ex and I to have a calm, rational conversation. It isn't for lack of trying, believe me. Our conversations usually go something along the lines of this:

Me: Hey, I was wondering if you could bring Callie back home 30 minutes earlier today.
Him: I NEED A BAG.
Me: I'm sorry?
Him: I SAID I need a bag. THE PAPERS SAY YOU HAVE TO PACK A BAG SO YOU HAVE TO DO IT. I NEED CLOTHES.
Me: What does that have to do with bringing her home 30 minutes earlier?
Him: BAG.

Its like talking to a brick wall. Nothing gets through. You say one thing, it doesn't matter, he comes back with something completely different. Someone PLEASE tell me you know what I'm talking about, or you've gone through this, or you even KNOW someone who is going through this because OHMYGOD I am having homicidal urges and I need someone to relate to before I go off the deep end.

So tell me who's pissing you off right now. Do you also have a baby daddy problem? Baby mama? Your lover wont stop leaving the seat up so you keep falling in the toilet in the middle of the night when you get up to go pee? Neighbor wont stop blasting Linkin Park? Who do you know who deserves a good punch in the grill? HYPOTHETICALLY, of course. Believe me, I know its tempting but violence is (almost) never the answer.

I GOT AN AWARD OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-06T10:58:00.006-05:00

Look what I got!! Look at it!!!!!!!

This is my VERY FIRST AWARD EVER and I am just ridiculously, over the top excited about it. Look at that beautiful prism of greatness!! Doesn't it just speak to you? Doesn't it make you feel empowered?!?! It says, "I am a prism! I represent all that is awesome!"!!!! I just want to snuggle with it and stroke it's pointy little head. I am so humbled that Amy over at AmyOops decided to bestow this amazing award to me. And look, it even comes with rules!!! I always wanted to implement rules! This rocks! I AM empowered!!!!!

Very Important Rules That Shall Be Followed Or I Will Hunt You Down And Rip You Of Your Title Forever Causing You Great Shame And Humiliation
l. The award may be displayed on a winner’s blog.
2. Add a link to the person who you received the award from.
3. Nominate up to seven other blogs.
4. Then add their links to your blog.
5. Add a message to each person that you have passed the award on to in the comments section of their blog.

Whew, what a rush. Here are my nominees:

Kirsten aka Reverend Doctor Kirsten Valentine over at The Soccer Mom Files
She's been getting awards left and right these days, and that's cause she's a pimp. Oh yeah and she's funny and blogs about important and relevant topics (to me) like skymall, the voodoo knife rack and martinis.

Monique at Blogging More
This girl is a funny, well written, sassy little fellow Texan and I like it. I first felt connected to Monique when she posted about her love of shoes, and we share the common bad habit of calling out your mom.

Grumpus at When Things Get Dark
Ya'll, they don't call her Grumpus for nothing. Her sarcastic writing makes me feel at home, and her recent post on Nightingale Poop Facials had me cracking up. And intrigued. And - yes - googling where I can get one. I'm a sucker for the latest trends, what can I say.

Ege at The House and I
Smart writing AND humor for when you need some intellectual stimulation. Apparently she loves bacon just as much as I do, and who doesn't love a good rousing game of "Would You Rather" (apparently called Zobmondo?), featured every Wednesday on her blog.

Deb at Deb on the Rocks
If you aren't reading Deb, you are missing out on the good shit. Her post on surviving the summer got me laid AND kept me cool - who doesn't want to learn those tricks? And you gotta give respect to anyone who can fake an orgasm with 1,000 women and look good doing it, too.

Congratulations, ladies. Treat the prism with love and respect, and it will do the same for you. See how wise this award has made me??!??! I rule!

Athena vs. Edouard

2008-08-04T10:50:00.006-05:00

Oh, damn it.

You do not want to see any type of storm thingy when you are a stay at home mom. Cause rain = child gets bored, cranky, doesn't want to play with anything besides things they can not play with, throws fits, accidentally breaks the dishwasher, and mom starts drinking as soon as other responsible parent gets home, and ends up drunk in bed at 6pm.

Just generally not good for the family morale.

To combat Ornery Child Syndrome you have to have a rigid POA (Plan Of Attack - learned this from Design Star), with activities planned for every minute. Snack time, nap time, TV time (so Mommy can have 30 minutes of peace with her In Style Magazine, damnit) and have supplies at the ready: glue, glitter, popsicle sticks, googly eyes, cardboard, child safety scissors, paint, brushes, paper, paper sacks, old socks, those garbage bag twisty ties, anything at all, really, that can be molded, painted, cut, glued or shellacked. Apparently to my daughter this includes house hold appliances and clothing. Her artistic vision is something else.

You may argue that you can take the child out of the house during a storm. This might be true, however, I have been scared senseless with even the lightest smattering of rain by local weather forecasters who have warned of imminent death approaching, even if I so much as open my front door. After Hurricane Katrina, all the weather forecasters went into a frothy mouthed downward spiral, using fear tactics, threats, and physical bodily harm to keep viewers at home on their couches, frozen in terror, tuned in to their weather report to find out if the Armageddon was coming their way.

Most of the forecasters from back in the "day" have retired and been replaced with sensible, vanilla weatherpeeps, but they still warn of combating destruction with preparedness. So I've equipped myself with the essentials: Flashlight, batteries, small flotation devices (floaties, noodles, boogie board), arts and crafts box, and copious amounts of red wine. So BRING IT, tropical storm Edouard. We'll see who the true fighter is.

Front, back and side to side

2008-08-03T14:50:00.006-05:00

This weekend, the kiddo went to grandma's house, the fourth member of the family went back home, and things hit the "standstill" we'd been talking about all month. We were all alone for the first time in 30 days, and damnit, we weren't going to waste the opportunity, if you know what I'm talking about.

NO, not that. Jeeze, you think I could go 30 days? I can barely go three days, but we'll save that story for another time.

No, folks, we had ourselves a little partay. A 2 person partay, but a partay none the less.

(And yes, there is a difference between a party and a par-tay (#1, section 2).

Here are my three must-haves for a successful party:

Thats right. Cheap wine, nerdy board games and hardcore gangster rap. If you substitute the red wine with OE and the scrabble for dominoes, you'll experience my life from 19-21, but I'm a GROWN UP now, and I needed an upgrade (In my 30's, I'm looking forward to Alize and Yahtzee).

Today I'm nursing my hangover and preparing for the first week where I'll have nothing to do.
Besides entertain and keep up with a three year old, of course.

Tankinis are dangerous

2008-07-29T13:34:00.006-05:00

So I went to a German themed water park last weekend and got my bathing suit bottoms ripped off.

No, not stolen, literally ripped off my body.

I was in The Torrent, which is basically a lazy river with a wave machine. If you've ever been in a wave pool, you know that the water is sucked back through a grate, and then pushed out over and over again to create waves. In this particular "lazy river" the grate is on the side of a river "wall", where people will crowd around to try to "catch a wave".

If the over-use of quotations didn't clue you in right away, I'm pretty bitter about this.

I'm swimming by, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the current sucked me into the throng of people eagerly awaiting the oncoming wave. I'm trying to get the hell out of the way, when I realize the tie on my bathing suit bottom has been sucked into the grate. The tie conveniently has a large brown wooden bead attached to the end of it, making a perfect hook. The current is sweeping me away, I'm holding on to my bottoms for dear life, when I'm suddenly released, sans the lower half of my bathing suit.

So here I am, naked from the waist down, floating in a public water park, in front of a few hundred strangers. I'd been separated from the people I was with, and didn't want to actually swim anywhere, since my naked ass would be on display for all to see. And remember the aforementioned waves? I just let them wash over my head, again and again, risking drowning instead of jumping up above as they approached, which would definitely expose my derriere. I had to make three laps around that fucking "river" before I found JP. And as far as I could tell, no one noticed, although I did get a few odd glances when I had to come out with a shirt wrapped around my waist.

Not only did I possibly traumatize children and lifeguards everywhere, but more importantly, I have to go buy bathing suit bottoms AGAIN for the FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR. And those bitches aren't cheap.

FYI

2008-07-26T12:03:00.000-05:00

Just to let everyone know, I'll be on vacation this week! Hopefully I'll still be able to drop and read, but posting will be pretty light.

Have a great weekend and week, guys!!

Ice cream or sex? You decide.

2008-07-24T09:43:00.007-05:00

So I guess Klondike has decided their target demographic is douchebags and morons, cause these new line of commercials certainly speak their language.

You've seen these commercials, right? One shows a man sitting at a table with his wife, having a coffee or something, when a thin, blonde girl on her cellphone walks past. The wife looks up, but the husband keeps his eyes on his wife, and the commercial announcer says something like, "Dave McHorndog kept his eyes on his wife. Give this man a Klondike bar." Yes, Dave. The people at Klondike have decided you really deserve something for being a good and respectful husband, and it's.....ICE CREAM!

The second commercial shows a wife unloading groceries, while her husband sits at the table twiddling his thumbs, or something. The wife is going on an on about someone she saw at the grocery store, yadda yadda, and she asks him a question, to which (wait for it).........he responds to. The announcer comes on and says, "Dan Theairhead listened to his wife's story. Give this man a Klondike bar." Wow, really? Isnt that what people in normal, healthy relationships do?

Not only are these commercials a bit misogynistic, it's depicting men as vapid, simple, uncontrollably horny, and riddled with ADD. Which women don't want, and I really cant see men getting on board with that image, either. Are there a bunch of crazy scorned women and/or gay men working in marketing for Klondike looking for revenge? Did someone slip a roofie to the person who was supposed to approve these?

A google search lead me to the press release put out for the new commercials. Here are just a few of the quotes:
..."Now, the “What would you do for a Klondike® Bar?” question is back in a series of new TV spots that capture those moments during everyday life when a spouse or significant other does something so unexpected there’s simply only one response – offer them a Klondike Bar!"
Or a bitch slap, whatever.

"The new Klondike ads capture the moments when people - particularly men - do something out of-the-ordinary to the surprise of their significant others. In one commercial a man puts his empty glass in the dishwasher (1) rather than leaving it on the counter – prompting an astonished reaction from his wife. In another, a man shows surprising (2) self control as he keeps his eyes focused on his wife while a beautiful (3) woman slowly strolls by. One of the five ads portrays a wife as she keeps her “true”thoughts about her in-laws to herself. (4)
1. NO WAY. I DONT BELIEVE IT.
2. Surprising? I guess I should be expecting my SO to do a full head swivel when a pretty lady walks past.
3. The Klondike people really need to re-define their idea of beautiful, I'm afraid.
4. Never seen this one, but I guess we're not allowed to let our husbands/wives know how much their Uncle Dan pisses us off now.

Okay, so I realize I'm taking an ice cream commercial a little too seriously. But I think its a bit silly that the Klondike people are putting out ads that perpetuate the idea that a man (and woman in that one instance) deserves a treat for acting like a decent human being or spouse. I know plenty of men who would think so, too. They deserve far much more than a Klondike bar...more like some good, good lovin and a beer. I'd take that any day over a 330 calorie ice cream bar, wouldn't you?

How to look like a self absorbed asshole

2008-07-22T13:22:00.005-05:00

A few days ago, my boyfriend's copy of Wired magazine arrived in the mail, The How To Issue, to be exact, and right there on the cover next to a picture of Julia Allison's killer gams was the headline, "Get Internet Famous". Uhh...I've never heard of this chick before, but sure, I'll read it.

Summary of article: Julia Allison dated some Gawker people, then some IT dudes, blogged about every last detail, is/was mean, held a dance party in Manhattan and took lots of pictures with famous people? She's like the Paris Hilton for quasi-intellectuals, I suppose.

Anyway, the article got me thinking about blogging and my own experience. Even though I'm too lazy to use apostrophes correctly and I disregard style, I'm not new to writing. Before being betrayed by countless people (and thats a story for another time, folks) I kept paper journals for about 12 years. Before blogs were invented, I had an online diary back in the day (Gurl.com, Chickclick.com and Geocities.com - oh, the memories) complete with grrlgoddess webrings and guestbooks. And while at times I'm completely self-delusional, achieving fame due to my blog is laughable to me.

Just for kicks, here are some of Wired magazine's and Julia Allison's tips to becoming "Internet Famous", and their applications in my own life.

It's not who you know, its who you're next to
Hmm. Well, I ~~wasnt invited~~ couldn't attend the Blogher conference, so I missed my opportunity to be photographed next to Dooce or Maggie Mason. However, I'll be at the circus tonight, so maybe I'll try to get my picture snapped with Bello. Actually quite fitting for this blog, don't you think?

Dress against type
Well, since I've been broke as hell this year and haven't been able to update my wardrobe, I think I'm officially dressing against type. It hasn't got me any recognition other than sneers from the girls at Macy's when I go in occasionally to window shop. But if old Jules taught me anything, negative attention is good attention!

Embrace enigma
Merriam-Webster defines enigma as:
1 : an obscure speech or writing
2 : something hard to understand or explain
3 : an inscrutable or mysterious person

Well my blog does a good job of being obscure, is quite hard to understand at times and I wouldn't call myself mysterious, but I'm no Brangelina, either. I think I'm doing a good job at embracing the enigma so far.

Let your minion's fight your battles
Now I need some minions. How does one get minions, anyway? Google was no help, and Minions.com was a bust. Perhaps I'll put an add out in Craigslist?

Confessions of a Life Slut

2008-07-21T14:06:00.004-05:00

Have you ever played the drinking game, "I Never", or "Never Have I Ever"? Basically you start with 10 fingers up, and you state something you have never done, like bungee jumping or anal sex. The people who have done this, have to do a shot and subtract a finger. The game ends when someone ends up with all ten fingers down. Or pukes from taking 10 shots of Cuervo, whichever comes first.

I dont play drinking games anymore, but when I did, I ALWAYS lost I Never. Without fail. Because my motto in life is, "I'll try anything once". I have no qualms about eating blowfish. Dancing on a bar. Diving headfirst into a vat full of jello - which I seriously want to do once before I die, maybe upon death cause I might die by suffocating in raspberry jello. The two things I wont do are skydive and bungee jump because I jumped off a 30 foot high dive once (see what I mean?) and that was enough free falling for one life time, thanks.

And sometimes it makes me feel like a Life Slut. I've experienced so many different things at a relatively young age, I feel kind of guilty. While other people were in college, I was out collecting experiences like they were the box tops of life. Some of them are good (Good Citizen awards, rescuing a man who fell off a bridge, saving someone's life) and some are cringe inducing (held up at gunpoint, sneaking into the mall to do it on the ice skating rink (lol), getting caught shoplifting) but they are MINE and they've made me who I am today, and even though I was caught by the police having sex in a car, I embrace the naughty, the debauch and shine a positive light on it: I HAD FUN, bitches.

Doodle Week x2

2008-07-19T10:47:00.003-05:00

Today's doodle theme is Pet.

Mine is a liiiitle NSFW. And while most of us don't work on a Saturday, some of us have kids who like to stand over our shoulder shouting MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY when all we're trying to do is take 10 SECONDS OUT OF OUR LIVES TO CHECK OUR EMAIL, DAMNIT!!!!!!11!1

And we don't want to permanently scar our children, now do we?

Of course not.

Intrigued? Scared? Bored? Clickity click to see my doodle of a "pet". ;)

Doodle Week

2008-07-18T12:20:00.005-05:00

Heard of Doodle Week? I'm jumping on the bandwagon a little late, but its hard for me to pass up a good doodle. This weeks theme is Evil, and you'll see my representation of said theme below. Click for bigger image!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

This post has a lot of yummy pictures.

2008-07-17T12:23:00.007-05:00

Today I want to talk about running.
I fucking hate running.

(btw - if you google "I fucking hate ____" you will find that a lot of people fucking hate some weird stuff like "unplugged" music, fireworks (who the fuck hates fireworks?!) and granny carts. Uh....)

I run because I like food. I like good food. I am from the south and I was raised on things like home made cheeseburgers and chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes and MMMMMMMMM cheesecake.

Damn that is some good looking cheesecake. If that plate of sinful delight was sitting in front of you right now are you telling me you wouldn't eat it? Lick the cherries off the top at least? Uh huh. Thats what I thought.

So I eat yummy food, therefore I run. I haven't been keeping up with it lately, however. I've been sporadic and lazy and not interested. Its so tedious and boring, and it takes a long time, and I'm always worried my track pants are riding up into my crotch, or my boobs are bouncing too much. I cant download any new music for my mp3 player because of some issue on the computer, so I'm listening to like, Spice Girls and old Madonna songs.
Even thought I'm not running, I still eat the good stuff, but I walk past my Nikes (hanging forlornly in their shoe hanger, longing for the feel of pavement on their lonely, lonely sole) without a second thought.

Yesterday I had that second thought.

Getting in the shower yesterday, I glanced back in the mirror before stepping in and, literally, gasped at the sight.

ON MY ASS, PEOPLE. No. No, no, no, no, no OH HELLLLLLL NO. I wonder how long its been back there, smirking at JP when we're doing sexy times, glaringly obvious to everyone besides me when I'm in my bathing suit. UGH.
I know, its a fact of life. Everyone has it (and if you don't you better not tell me, I don't want to hear it, you smug bitch). But the most upsetting thing about it is, it is forrreeevvvverrrrrr. FOREVER. Like herpes. Or diamonds. Never goes away.

So back to the trail. Pulled out the Nikes. Did some stretches today in preparation. Yay. So thrilled. Its 96 fucking degrees outside, and unfortunately I cant run naked (firstly, OW, and secondly, EEK), so I'm gonna sweat my ass off and I'll look like a crazy homeless person by the time I get home, but at least I'll be FIT. AND HEALTHY. Well, probably just fit cause I doubt I'll stop eating fried chicken any time soon. Baby steps, people.

At least I'm not addicted to CNN.

2008-07-16T14:25:00.007-05:00

Confession: I am terribly addicted to celebrity gossip.

Look, I consider myself an intelligent person. Grounded, philosophical, secure in the knowledge that I am ~~smarter than 95% of the people I know~~ surrounded by intelligent, competent human beings. I don't use spell check, I've memorized the dictionary and thesaurus, and I speak 3 different languages.

...Okay, so my spell check feature is ALWAYS turned on, I'm the queen of run on sentences, and the three languages I speak are English, Spanglish and Toddler. No one is 100% perfect, right?

But knowing that Justin Long and Drew Barrymore just broke up, or that Dinah Lohan is a fame whoring attention hound isn't exactly going to win me the Pulitzer, if you get my drift. I mean, all this useless knowledge is probably taking up room in my head. If I didn't read about Pam Anderson at the Big Brother House last week, I might have done better on yesterday's Jeopardy! (I am a faithful Jeopardy watcher. See how smart I am!??!?) . Also, I really don't care about Brangelina (they had the chosen ones, by the way), Christian Bale (would totally do him, but only as Batman) or Lauren Conrad (seriously, I'm not that sure what she does. The Hills, right?) and while I envy their ability to purchase cute shoes without a financial doubt or worry, I dont aspire to be like any of them.

What it is, I think, is I use celebrity gossip like the rest of the world uses TV for escape. I watch 4 TV shows regularly, and only 3 of them are in season right now. That is the most TV I have ever watched, except for my brief addiction to MTV when I was 15.
But even if its the truth, I still get looked upon like an inane airhead when I confess to strangers or acquaintances my deep and ardent affection for the tabloids. Somehow, TV watching isnt that bad in comparison and I don't know why. It seems just as dumb and indulgent as reading gossip columns, right?

One good thing, though, about knowing a lot of useless celebrity information is kicking ass in Trivia. Do you know who Phoebe Price is? Bai Ling? Shauna Sand? Have you heard about Lindsay Lohan's legging line? And join me up with one of those TV watchers, and we will take your ass down in the Pop Culture category, faster than you can say Jamie Lynn's backwoods baby.

Not so happy camper

2008-07-14T15:36:00.008-05:00

Oh my god, do I have a camping hangover.

Okay, that picture is a little disgusting and does not accurately reflect the kind of hangover I have, but I feel like shit and its the best I could do, okay?! Damn.

Like I was saying, I feel like shit. Why we thought it would be such a great idea to drive 5 hours away to camp at a lake with 2 kids under the age of 10 is beyond me. Building character, teaching responsibility and prying their grubby little asses away from the TV and ipods to get some fresh air aside, it was not worth the effort for only 2 days. One kid is old enough to complain the whole way there and back about being bored (the rule about no DVD players in the car might be eradicated soon) and the other is young enough to wait to tell you at the last minute that she has to go potty RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW.

The actual camping was much worse, however. Complaints about it being too hot, too windy, too noisy, too "chirpy" (the crickets) and too many shadows went on until midnight. The marshmallows were too burnt. There were tons of bees. A roving armadillo close to our tent provided some much needed entertainment for the kids, though, until it charged toward Calista's toes thinking they were grubs, or whatever the hell armadillos eat. The lake had too many "squooshy" rocks, and every time Calista brushed up against one she let out a shriek that made you think she'd just been eaten by Nessy. That happened fairly often since we were in a LAKE filled with ROCKS.

Even though I'm afraid of bugs and I wouldn't necessarily call myself "outdoorsy", I like camping. I really do. The trick is to make it as comfortable and pain-free as possible, and I always over pack so we have everything we need. I make a DO NOT FORGET list a week before we leave, and constantly add stuff to it so by the time we're ready to go, I've thought of everything. Here are a few things I'm adding to the DO NOT FORGET list the next time we go camping:
Xanax
Red Wine
Those Bose noise reducing headphones
That geeky personal cooling system
Valium
Map to the closest hotel with 5 star accommodations.

What are friends for?

2008-07-11T09:36:00.014-05:00

So, my best friend called me yesterday and says, "Hey, do you think you can vote for me this year?"
Being an immigrant from England, she is unable to take place in an election, which is like the perfect exemption if you ask me. Exotic and insouciant. I know that once you move to a different country, you are supposed to be interested in the new and different things it has to offer and be adaptable and all that, but I don't think I'd want to be involved in American politics if I wasn't from this country. Much like heroin, it makes you feel dirty and wrong, but I suppose it can be quite addicting.

"Okaaay," I replied warily, "Who do you want me to vote for?" There was a pause, and then she chirped, "John McCain!" Except I heard this in a loud, cavernous echo: THE DEVIL HIMSELF.
(Oh hi there, did I just alienate some readers?)

I was speechless. "John "Waterboarding" McCain?!" I asked incredulously. There was a tense pause on the other side of the phone, and then I received an icy reply, "You're not seriously gonna vote for Obama, are you?"

Oh dear. I had no idea my best friend of 13 YEARS was a crazy right wing republican. How did I not catch on to this? How could I have been so blind? Honestly, I'm exaggerating a little, cause I'm really not that into politics. I am whats known as an "Optimist", a rapidly decreasing breed of people, and in order to stay that way I prefer to remain as minimally educated as necessary about politics. I have my morals and beliefs and hold them to a very high standard (which apparently makes me an anarchist libertarian?) but thats about as far as I go. I plan on voting for Obama because of many reasons I prefer not to go into on my blog, you can ask me if you really care that much!!

The rest of the afternoon, we shot email after email off to eachother, highlighting our presidential candidate's pluses and issues, pointing out negative facts about the others beliefs, and sending mean edited pictures to eachother.

Hers:

Mine:

Later on that evening I received a call from her. "Truce?" She offered. I begrudgingly accepted. Politics may be evil, but it cant ruin a 13 year relationship. However, bring up shoes, chocolate, men, dancing or alcohol...they've come much, much closer in the past ;)

Web MD here I come.

2008-07-09T01:19:00.011-05:00

I'm about to say something that is going to make you want to punch me in the face. But at the risk of death threats and bitch slaps, here goes:

I need a break from all these "vacations".

I know. Poooor me, having all this free time to go to an amusement park, trips out of state, trips within the state, camping this weekend, and Schlitterbahn in three weeks. Boo fucking hoo, right? But seriously, we all know vacations take a lot of work and planning and stressful hours online scouring the net for the best ticket prices, hotel prices, rental car prices, (I'm a ocd bargain shopper, so even though sites like expedia.com and travelocity.com say they'll book you a "package" deal, I just dont trust them), buying tickets, booking campsites, and going absolutely fucking NUTS. Then comes the packing. The packing of clothes (and the loads of laundry that goes with it cause I always have about 5 loads constantly in the hamper because ~~I'm lazy~~ I'm going on vacation so much I don't have time to do chores!), tents, food, all the f'ing stuff that goes with having a three year old, books, first aid supplies, toiletries for three people (now four), and the lists. Lists of things not to forget. Lists of places to go, places to see, things to do.

Hmm. Reading all of this, I think I might have a slight problem. But can you really be TOO prepared? The "what-if's" kill me sometimes. What if we decide to go to a fancy restaurant? Gotta pack the cute dress and shoes. What if we decide to go water skiing? Need to bring the print out with directions to the closest hospital. What if we decide to go hiking and get bit by a rattlesnake? We need that book that tells you how to survive things. Shit. What is that book called? Need to buy that book (Mental note: add to the list of things to buy before the trip.) You see? ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

This obsessive being preparedness probably falls under some sort of disorder, but since I've spent all my mental health money of vacations, I'll stick to wine and hope for the best.

Crush loves you

2008-07-08T09:37:00.013-05:00

Yawn. Hey guys. Its Crush. Yeah, I know, I know - you've got a crush on me. Heard it a
thousand times. God. Whatever. Look, I'm just here cause these bitches made me show up. I'd much rather be at home in bed with my uh, massager, and possibly my cute blonde servan- I mean, MAID, painting my toenails. I just need a break, guys. This American Gladiators shit is insane. I'm totally ready to slap a CERTAIN PINK HAIRED SOMEONE, but fucking NBC made me sign this contract saying I cant do anything "physical" until we're done filming for the new season. Fucking suits. They dont even KNOW how hard it is dealing with this chick. After the show she just struts around with her wings still attatched, sometimes naked, and talks about the ratings boost she "made happen" FIVE WEEKS AGO. GOD. And dont get me started on the new girl. I mean, damn. Cheerleader needs to lay off the pep pills, but Venom is such a bad influence and the guys are doing "performance shots" in the back, so I mean...it's just so corrupt. I dont know. I mean, you'd think that a show about GLADIATORS and FIGHTING would be clean and pristine, but these guys gotta go and dirty up the whole competition. I'll bet you didnt know that Wolf used to be a girl, huh? Back in '06 she started taking testosterone shots to help with her "allergies" or something, I dont know, and all of a sudden she just got fucking HUGE and had lots of energy. The downside was, her tits disappeared and she grew all this hair, but NBC said she wasnt all that pretty to begin with, and they made her get fangs and Wolf was born. I'm pretty sure she'll have to go through years of therapy for this, but she swears the fame and salary are worth it. I dunno. Anyway. Siren and Helga wanna go have sushi so I gotta go. Tune in on Monday to see if I finally lose my shit and beat the hell out of Phoe- I mean, a random female gladiator. Then we'll talk about a boost in ratings! Ha!

Sheesh.

2008-07-07T12:08:00.012-05:00

I keep hearing all this mess about high gas prices keeping families from - GASP - going on a vacation this summer, which apparently is a sign of the coming apocalypse, if you believe CNN. On this, I call bullshit. Let me tell you - we are POOR MOFOS and we drove about 768 miles in 3 days. Yes, 768 miles. Google Maps told me so. We could have gone to like, New Orleans or Pensacola or even fing Roswell but we decided to drive all over Texas, instead. Gas prices, indeed.

Instead of everyone bitching about gaaaaaas being soooo expensive, why dont you try CUTTING BACK on your Target shopping spree, 4 dollar starbucks Frapps, and Panera lunches? Shit. Not that difficult, people. We are currently a one income family, with one "full time" kid under the age of 5 and one "half time" kid under the age of 10, and we managed to take a 4 day "vacation" to Six Flags. If you think gas is ridiculously expensive, try going to an amusement park, where you basically have to pay for the air you breathe. 13 dollars for a drink? Sure! 7 dollars for a funnel cake? Why not! You can even pay for convenience, which in this case I totally advocate, by the way.

I think the real reason for this post is I'm just a little bitter about NPR and CNN and other media outlets making people feel inadequate since they cant afford to take a REAL vacation this year. I read an article the other day about the high gas prices resulting in families traveling closer to home this summer and visiting their state parks instead of going on vacation. HUH? Are you serious? What the hell constitutes as a REAL vacation, anyway? God forbid you have to spend 4 days outside close to nature, disconnected from your ipod, laptop and blackberry. Its ridiculous. MW defines vacation as a respite or a time of respite from something, not a picture of Disneyland or a resort in the Bahamas (although that doesnt sound too bad right now). Instead of crying and feeling ashamed of the things we cant do or afford due to rising prices everywhere, we should adapt. Embrace the things we can afford, create new tradtitions, or suck it up, cut back and save for that trip to the Bahamas in '09. Damnit.

I have been amused.

2008-07-04T11:03:00.003-05:00

So we've been in Dallas for the past few days, at Six Flags. You want to see some characters? Go to an amusement park. Hippies stood side by side with the redneck church groups. 13 year olds in short shorts stood side by side with soccer moms. I think I even saw the scene kids with smiles on their faces. Maybe amusement parks are the one thing everyone has in common? We should start here with the attempt for world peace.

I'm going to get back on the road today to go shoot fireworks in the country! Regular posting should resume on Monday. I hope everyone has a happy fourth of july!

My ass has gotten a lot of action this weekend!

2008-06-30T12:55:00.007-05:00

I consider myself a pretty social girl. I like going out dancing, or going to bars, karaoke, even baby showers (karaoke baby shower is totally going to be my theme if I ever have another baby!). But as I get older, I've noticed I get really edgy in large crowds. All these people, drifting around me, elbows brushing mine, stranger's hips bumping me, the light touch of a hand on my shoulder letting me know someone is behind me. I cant stand it. Really, you'd think I might get a little thrill out of all these strangers around, lightly brushing my body...but there is a reason FANTASY differs from REALITY. Ahem.

Anyway, yesterday we went to Whole Foods on a Sunday. With a three year old. What was I thinking? The place was PACKED with people stocking up on their black beans and whole grains, and all I needed was some fucking mint shampoo. And the beauty isle was like a traffic jam gone awry, baskets abandoned, people just giving up and walking around. I'm standing there in disbelief when suddenly someone rammed my ass with a basket. I turn around and this tall blonde woman is looking at me with the SMUGGEST expression on her face, like, "Yeah I just hit your flat ass with my basket, and?" So I said, "Do you think you could back up a little bit?" and she replied, "I think you should get out of my way, actually."

OH HELLLLZ NO.

I looked her square in the eye and I said, "I think you should take your bleach blonde, 2004 gucchi wearing ass out of my FACE and step off, bitch." Well, not really. You know how you lay in bed and think about all the things you should have said? Yeah. In reality, I told her she didn't have to be so rude and would produce better results by asking more politely. And I didn't move. She got huffy and I got my mint shampoo. The latter probably set a better example for my daughter, but the inner badass rolled her eyes at my mature remark.

This is why Whole Foods should ditch the Jamba Juice and start serving up liquor.

Its cold out there for a Mom

2008-06-28T17:50:00.007-05:00

Guess where I've been all day? I'll give you three hints:

The ladies wear short skirts
There is lots of shouting of encouragement, cheers, general hoopla and such
Sharp blades are involved

No, not some sick fetish strip club, you dirty minded sickos, but ice skating. More importantly, ice skating with my three year old. I enrolled her in lessons a few weeks ago after she started gliding around in her socks on the laminate floor. I'm serious! By doing that, she could be acting out her natural ability and talent, right? The baby books told me so! Besides, I'm always looking for every available avenue for Calista to learn a talent ~~so she can support me in my twilight years~~.

Unfortunately, I think she's inherited her fathers laziness. She isn't bad, she doesn't fall, but she wont move. Once she found out she couldn't get out there and just sail away, arms outstretched and one leg in the air, she didn't want anything to do with it. So every Saturday after class, I get out there with her and we go around the rink a few times. Or, I go around the rink a few times while she wedges herself between my legs, screaming, and I drag her around with me. Today I was pretty fed up with this and pried her vice like little hands off of my legs and skated a few feet in front of her. "See how easy this is?" I singsonged, skating backwards, trying to encourage her to come forward to me. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, as she was moving forward and I was gliding along, backwards no less, entertaining ideas of becoming a (geriatric?) figure skater until all of a sudden - WHAM! I skated back right into the wall, feet flew out from under me (I seriously saw them in front of my face) and I landed straight on my ass. Dazed for a few seconds, I suddenly realized my own child was laughing at me! "You fell on your BUTT!" She cried gleefully. Then I looked over and noticed the little 8 year olds doing double axles in the center of the ice were pointing and laughing!!!! Bitches. Calista came over, and I let her clutch the insides of my thighs while I skated back to the exit. No one was hurt and fortunately the only thing I bruised was my ego. Bah dum bum!

I'm hungry.

2008-06-26T16:50:00.003-05:00

Recently, AOL Food asked its readers to nominate their least favorite foods. The top nominations were voted on in a poll and the results are in!

America's Most Hated Foods. (My opinions)

20. Blueberries (I agree. Hate them raw, but artificial blueberry is okay - blueberry muffins, uhh...blueberry popsicles? Hmm.)
19. Maple Syrup (What the hell is everyone putting on their pancakes?)
18. Cilantro (Yum! No one likes salsa?)
17. Onions (EWWWWWWWWW however I do like onion rings.)
16. Cooked Carrots (Normally I dont like mushy vegetables, but slap some butter and brown sugar on these babies and they're delish.)
15. Raisins (Yummy, also the perfect toddler snack.)
14. Peas (I like them frozen, I cant seem to find them at my grocery store's produce section, and snow peas are delicious in chinese food.)
13. Oysters (Tried them once, never again.)
12. Pea Soup (Never tried it!)
11. Sour Cream (SOUR CREAM?!! Who are these people???)
10. Gelatin (Is this like, jello? Who hates jello?)
9. Tuna Fish (The only kind of fish I'll eat.)
8. Brussels Sprouts (I've never tried, and they smell funny.)
7. Beets (Apparently I used to love them as a baby, then one day broke out in a full body rash one day after eating them. I guess I could be allergic to beets.)
6. Okra (WTF. Everyone who did this survey is from the north. Okra is the shit, people.)
5. Eggs (I'm surprised to see this one on the list. Usually I get weird looks when I tell people I dont like eggs. I'll eat them only if they're IN a dish. Or breakfast taco, whatever.)
4. Mushrooms (My favorite veggie)
3. Mayonnaise (Miracle whip is for pussies. Mayo FTW!)
2. Lima Beans (Not good on their own, but added to things I like them)
1. Liver (I like it but refuse to eat it, since its so bad for you)

Also, I'm convinced that these people just thought of food that sounds gross. Or I just like food that everyone else hates. More for me!!!

Its a little crazy today

2008-06-26T12:37:00.004-05:00

Ugh, last night I stayed up until 2am cleaning the house. Mopping the floors, scrubbing the sinks and counters, dusting the hell out of this place, and all while on the phone with TWO girlfriends with man trouble (please imagine me saying that in a southern georgia accent, cause I do). I'm exhausted today. Calista woke up at 7:30am, bright eyed and bushy tailed, begging for breakfast. I look in the pantry. I forgot to get more cereal yesterday. Look in the fridge. Forgot to get bread, too. However I did remember the Nestles Drumsticks - go mom! A much needed staple in any persons diet, wouldnt you agree? So this morning I fed my child peanut butter crackers and milk for breakfast.

The reason for the OCD cleaning is that we have family coming into town, today and tomorrow. My mom, who can spot a speck of dust and a dirty light switch plate from the airport, and JP's son, so I need this place to be spotless. Cause it aint gonna stay that way for long with a 10 year old boy and a 3 year old girl running around here. FOR A MONTH AND A HALF.

You down with WOPHLL?

2008-06-25T14:46:00.017-05:00

So, as you know soon we'll be moving out of the city and into the burbs.
Depressing, but necessary. Instead of hiring a locater like any other normal and sane family, I am determined to find our new place myself. Not that I'm a control freak, I just like the idea of being a real estate agent. I briefly entertained the thought for a while, until I started watching HGTV and realizing what a bitch it would be to drag the un-educated, condescending assholes around and endure the demands they placed upon me. It would be very hard for me to resist a good bitch slapping. This is also why I cant be a teacher. Bitch slapping my students would definitely land me in jail, and jail is a place I do not want to be. People, they make you drink out of water fountains attatched to the back of TOILETS.
Dont ask me how I know.

So, aiding me in the search for a new (rented) home is the website for the Houston Associaton of Realtors, aka HAR.com. They have a good search engine thingy that lets you choose the area, property type, price, if you want a tennis court, pool, even sprinklers! Unfortunately, the listings dont change that often, and recently I've found myself looking at extravagantly ridiculous homes. The price listing goes up to 10 MILLION DOLLARS. What would you do if you had 10 million dollars to blow on a home? And furthermore, would you be posting it on a website? Hell no, that shit would be on appointment only, pay by the hour home tour basis. Pimp your home! Damn, now thats a million dollar real estate idea right there.

Since I'm one of those people that's kind of obsessed with WOPHLL (what other people's homes look like) this is pretty sweet. Especially since I'll never know anyone with a 10 million dollar house that I can look inside of. Yet sadly, most of them are pretty ugly on the inside. Look at this one:

Stuffy, much? Like sitting inside of a hotel room lobby. Do you think anyone has ever sat in those chairs? Those things probably cost 10K apeice.
I do like the chandeliers, I think. Or atleast the color of them, and they look easy to swing around from.

And look at this bedroom:
This is where Laura Ashely came to die, unfortunately. That wallpaper is ATROCIOUS. The frilly valance thingy on the top of the bed is sickeningly sweet, along with that painting above the (awesome) fireplace. Actually, I wouldn't mind having an exact replica of this bedroom in my house to be honest with you. It would be the Punishment Room, where I will send Calista in her teen years for skipping curfew, being promiscuous or underage drinking.

Now this is what I'm talking about right here. I'd set up a few tables, maybe stick a LCD somewhere and rock this room out. How much fun would it be to host a Mary Kay Party in a WINE CELLER! This is perfect, since you can get your clients drunk and make them buy more microdermabraison kits or something. Not that I sell Mary Kay products, but I know a bunch of ladies that do and I'd demand a 12% cut for renting out my wine cellar.

Unfortunately, all of this voyeuristic looking at millionaire's home shit just reminds me that I can not afford a 1,000 sq foot wine room, glass pool, 10 bedroom hacienda in Montego Bay, but something more along the lines of this:

Weekday drinking

2008-06-24T12:32:00.004-05:00

Ohmygod, I am so hungover today. Got a little carried away with the wine last night, and I'm totally paying for it. I stumbled into bed at an obscene hour, and woke this morning to an inbox full of replies to drunk emails I sent to my friends.

Oh yeah. Its like drunk texting, but only more 90's.

I'm a loving kind of drunk. I will tell you how awesome you are, why your shoes are so awesome and how much I loooooooooove you. Probably repeatedly. I'm also the "Your New BFF" kind of drunk, which I admit, is totally annoying when it happens to me, but I sometimes revert back into that mode, especially if I dont know anyone at the event/bar/club/casino/strip club/etc. I think it goes back to highschool somehow, but I'm too hungover to analyze myself, damn. So, suffice to say most of my emails were all like this, "I LOVE YOUUUU, I wi ll alwsays kloooooooooooove you, you are MY HERO AND you're my BFF4EVA porrrr vidaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!11"
Kind of like Whitney Houston plus a dash of Bette Midlder with a dab of Selena thrown in.

You know you want one of my drunk emails.

I need a cheeseburger.

Deli counter love

2008-06-23T16:27:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was standing in the deli line, 10 deep, beaming at the black forest ham (and probably looking like a maniac) and thinking to myself, "This is AWESOME!" No, I do not have a ham fetish, I was just relishing the FREEDOM FROM CHILDREN AND TIME (that sounds like the name of a really bad sci-fi novel).

Yesterday, JP went out of town to go to some convention in Orlando, the lucky bastard. And Callie went to go spend the night with her grandmother so they could go pick blueberries this morning. I know, wtf. But thats what grandmas do, I guess. When I'm a grandma, I'll be taking my grandkids to the liquor store, probably, but times are changing folks. Grandmas gotta have her manhattan!

Where were we? Oh yes, deli line. I'm looking at all these sullen people, pissed off that they have to wait 5 minutes to have their havarti cheese sliced and I couldnt be happier. Do you know how long its been since I stood in a deli line? Can you imagine standing there, cute little hand basket filled with organic stone ground wheat bread, pomme juice and ready made tortelinis, looking over to find a frazzled looking woman who had the audacity to shove her full sized shopping cart (filled with Kraft and teddy grahms!) into the line? Wrestling with a 3 year old who wont stop begging for a donut? I could do it, and mentally tell everyone to fuck off, but I care about the world and believe in karma, so I refrain.

So while people were sighing and rolling their eyes, I was a chipper and thankful lady.

And no need to comment, because I've realized that I need to get out more now. Yes, I am thankful for the deli line. Yes, apparently I have no life. I got it. Thank you.

WTF Friday: A Rant

2008-06-20T13:44:00.005-05:00

I want to talk about this Katy Perry. She's cute, right? To me it kind of seems like she stole 90% of Zooey Deschanel's DNA and Dita Von Teese's fashion sense, but whatever. We're not here to discuss her wardrobe. We're here to talk about this horrible, horrible song that everyone seems to love. Lets take a look at the lyrics, shall we?

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Some people have talked about this like its a good thing. Bringing bisexuality and lesbianism to the mainstream! Awareness! I did a little research on google and I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling exploited by this song.

Lets break some of the lyrics down here.

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
Drunk girls of the world unite! It's acceptable and okay now to do irrationa and risky things based on liquor induced judgements.

It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention
Hey, so....I really dont like girls, and I know you might or might not...so, hey...do you mind if we kiss? I'm curious! You dont mind if I use you, right?

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
Read: I hope my boyfriend gets a hard on and fucks me harder tonight.

It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
I'm drunk! Kissing feels good! I cant make a decision! Lets do a shot!

No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
So hey stranger! Give me a kiss! I'm gonna use you, I mean...you like being an experiment, right? Helloooo...havent you ever heard of human nature? I'm just curious! Havent I already said that?

It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
Grrrrrr....hear me roar! I am NOT a GOOD girl! Let me show you how bad I am by making out with a 1) Stranger 2) Girl. I cant make a decision again! Lets do another shot!

Chrous

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
Innocent? Wait, I'm not innocent I'm a BAD GIRL. Remember? SOoooOOoo naughty! Is my boyfriend still hard? Lets do another shot!

I think the thing I don't like is it's sending the wrong message. Imagine that! But in this age of the sexualization and exploitation of younger and younger girls, I don't appreciate women who know better in the mainstream pushing that kind of image. The, "Girls Gone Wild, You can kiss girls for sexual and positive attention" kind of image. Its disappointing that someone with such a visible platform would put that kind of song out there. You want to kiss girls? Awesome! I dont care if you want to kiss donkeys! Make a song about how awesome it is, how much you love it, and dont talk about your boyfriend, you slut.

Now, I'll go back to crocheting pot holders and sipping my ensure.

Makes showering all the more fun

2008-06-18T17:00:00.000-05:00

If you're looking for a cheap thrill, you should definitely pick up Noah's Naturals - Its All Good Rosemary and Mint Body wash. This stuff sure is tingly. In all the right places if you get my gist.

Whats in your bag, baby?

2008-06-18T12:49:00.000-05:00

Here's the contents of my purse for all you voyeuristic folks out there. Forgive the small pic, it will probably get bigger if you click on it or something:

Green (recycled!!) makeup bag stuffed with junk I usually don't put on my face. I'm a foundation and mascara kinda girl, but I like playing with makeup (I'm a 5 year old at heart.)
A small bengal tiger and smaller black poodle. You never know when an opportunity might come up to threaten someone with a bengal tiger, fake or not. The poodle is just for companionship.
Childrens tylenol.
One splenda and 3 McDonalds coffee creamers. Leftover from last weekend, and I just cant bring myself to throw anything away.
My wallet. I know its kind of obscured by all the other junk, but I love this wallet. I don't even know how to describe it. It has a swirly kind of muted psychedelic pattern, and it looks like a blown up (not exploded) billfold with a clasp? It opens like a book and I can just throw all my crap in there and shut it. Perfect for the unorganized and lazy.
Blue ballpoint pin from the Hilton Garden Inn.
Tube of chapstick. Looks like a tampon, but I just peeled the plastic label off in a fit of boredom one day.
Glitter hair and body spray. This has been in my purse since I went to the Disco Prom a few weeks ago. I am constantly pleased when I look into my purse and see this canister of excitement in a bottle. I have a can of spray glitter at my whim! The possibilities are endless. Also doubles as mace.
2 yellow wooden bangles and one orange and white stripey plastic one. Cheap summer accessories. Also 3 of the 5 bracelets I own that actually fit my tiny wrists (don't count the gold bunch of bangles seen in the disco prom picture because they're for a costume!)
2 bullet shells from a .22. Actually, I didn't realize I had these in here until I emptied out my purse. Probably would be bad if I got pulled over and the cop asked to search my car/purse. These are from last weekend when I ~~capped some bitches~~ shot at a fed-ex box at JP's family's farm in Centerville.
Car keys. Go Prosser Mustangs!
Hairbrush.
Stamps and a part of Callie's pretend birthday cake.
Instant hand sanitizer. Wal-Greens makes it in a pump spray bottle now. Nifty, eh?
5 Gum. Not as awesome as this commercial suggests, but still pretty good.
Wet N Wild Mega Sparkle "Confetti" eye glitter. Oh, Wet N Wild. The memories you brought flooding back when I stood in front of your section at Target a few weeks ago. There was the time with the barbie corvet pink lipstick I begged my mom to buy me in 5th grade. All the crappy nailpolish that chipped off the next day. And who can forget the teal eyeliner I wore all throughout highschool? Oh yes, those were good times. Thank you for always having what I need, when I need it (glitter was purchased for disco prom).
Banana Boat Daily Sunblock Lotion. I've been trying to apply sunblock everyday. I havent been too successful.
4 quarters. Laundry, people. One plus that will come with moving into the 'burbs - apartments with washer dryer included.

Mouse in the House

2008-06-17T12:42:00.000-05:00

So this little guy looks cute, huh? Don't you just want to give him a little corm?
Stroke his little ears and nuzzle his furry little nose? Well, friends, don't be swayed by this critters cuddly and sweet appearance, because he is THE ENEMY. Better known as the Field Mouse, House Mouse, and That Little Fucker Who Shits On My Countertop, or TLFWSOMC for short.

We first noticed the mouse when we discovered the tiny hole gnawed into our bread bag. No problem, we thought, we'll just stick it on top of the fridge. Surprise surprise, mice can climb and it must have gotten a good chuckle over us ignorant humans when it discovered the bread on top of the refrigerator. So we started putting all bread type things in the fridge (cold sandwiches suck) and I went to the hardware store to get traps.

Before we go into the traps issue, you should know that I am pro-life. Not in the, "Picketing abortion clinics and canvassing the 25 mile radius around a Planned Parenthood" kind of pro-life, but pro-life like...dont kill stuff, pro-life. I am not fond of any bug at all, in fact I am stupidly scared of anything that flies or buzzes, and usually take off screaming in the other direction while JP tries to wrangle it up. When whatever insect thats been terrorizing our house has been captured, I demand that he take it outside and let it free back into its natural habitat ~~so it can get back inside our home and start the whole terror campaign again~~.
I feel the same way about this mouse. I abhor the thought of those old fashioned spring loaded traps, harkening back to the days of the guillotine or other old timey death machines. So being the free loving, PETA supporting hippie that I am, I went to the hardware store to buy some of the glue traps.

What a joke. We put these traps out the day before we went on a 2 day trip to Dallas. Feeling very proud of my pro-life self, I expected to come home and find a little mouse looking up at me expectantly waiting to be set free, possibly with a little goodie bag and a souvenir shot glass to do jaeger bombs with his other mouse friends (I liken our mouse to a frat dude, I suppose). We came home, the traps were still there and the mouse was nowhere to be seen.

That was about a month ago. He's gotten braver, and we not only see him at night but during the day, when he carouses the kitchen looking for crumbs and discarded macaroni noodles. We've been co-existing with a mouse, trying to figure out ways to humanely kick the little disease carrier out of the house. "If only we could feed and potty train him" JP lamented one day when I told him I saw the mouse poke his head out from under the stove. Maybe we should invest in one of these?

From the city to the suburbs

2008-06-11T12:54:00.001-05:00

So, this is where I live:
The lovely and wonderful Houston, Texas. Home of BBQ lovers, sports fans, homeless dudes, lots of illegal aliens and Beyonce. To be more specific, I live in an artsy little neighborhood inside the loop where the houses look like this:

And people drive scooters and art cars around. Behind my house is a wonderful BYOB restaurant that serves some of the best burgers I've ever had in my life, within a 5 minute walk to boot. The reason I love this neighborhood so much (other than the burgers) is mainly because of its history. Its been around since 1891 and its full of character. And coffee shops. And restaurants not owned by Pappas. However, I have a 4 year old daughter and while the culture is good for her, the school districts are not. So much like a Beverly Hillbillies episode in reverse, we are packing up and moving out of the city into the suburbs:

Where I'll have my pick of Wal-Mart or Super-Walmart, Target or Super-Target and I wont be more than 2 miles from a Starbucks at any given moment. I know this, because I once called it home. Thats right. I'm originally a 'burb girl. The only plus to moving back (oh yeah, the schools, too, yeah yeah) is that most of my friends and all of my family live out there. And since it takes $70 to fill up a fucking 4 cylinder gas tank now, this is a big plus. Living here has taught me a few things, and mainly: You can take the girl out of the burbs, and you can damn well take the burbs out of her, as well. I plan to keep it that way.