I am going to get so much hatemail for this

So my friend calls me last weekend and says, "Hey, I read the post about your "Six Awesomely Badass Quirks" the other day, and I cant believe you didn't include your ridiculous fear of dolphins." To which I replied, "SHUT UP! I am NOT scared of dolphins!" Cause in reality I'm a 25 year old woman going on 13.

But seriously you guys. Its not ridiculous. Dolphins are dangerous, loathsome creatures and we should all be aware of their evil and vindictive ways.


When people find out I have an aversion to these marine animals, they are usually quite baffled. People think of dolphins and images of Flipper come to mind, but there is something sinister to me lurking beneath their shiny gray exteriors and toothy smiles.

They are not cute. They are not nice. People, they are the undercover murderers and molesters of the sea. If a dolphin had thumbs, I'm pretty sure it would shank you and steal your iPhone if it had the opportunity. Supposedly, they're intelligent creatures, so they might be able to do it without thumbs, so watch your back. They are self aware creatures, too, which makes them even more dangerous. They are killing innocent mackerel left and right, relishing in the bloodshed and gore.

Whats even more sickening about dolphins is their blowhole:



(Sidenote: Never, ever google an image of "blowhole" if your safe search is not turned on. Oh. My. God.)

It is a HOLE. A nearly perfect circle on top of their head. If that doesn't give you the willies there is something wrong with you. And yeah yeah, I know its so they can breathe but every time I see a picture of one, I just want to stuff a cork in it. Excuse me if I think its pretty sick that I can look down and peer into your body. Yeah, no thanks. And I don't care what anyone says, I know humans have holes in their body but it is NOT THE SAME. Our holes are not on top of our heads.

So this summer if you're out on a yacht, swimming in the pacific or on a snorkeling excursion, and you come in contact with a dolphin DON'T PANIC. Do not make eye contact, make any sudden movements or attempt to shoot it with a harpoon. Slowly swim away, keeping the dolphin in your line of sight, until you are at least 30 feet away or back on the boat. The worst thing you could ever do is kill a dolphin. Once they're through mourning the loss of their kin, they will send out a search party for you and take you down like Chris Brown on a groupie.



Consider this your public service announcement.