Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Yes, WaMu went kaput and AIG is burning through their two bailout checks like a wildfire, sometimes getting gas can be like a scavenger hunt, and seriously? it might be cheaper now just to go buy a fucking cow to keep on hand for milk every week.

Yes, our economy is going down faster than a tranny hooker on Charlie Sheen, but there are still some small comforts in life - low humidity days, frozen margarita's, sunsets, good books, those pink and white frosted little circus cookies, oh wait:

Mother's Cookies Crumbles

(PS: that is a seriously lazy and insincere headline line, NPR)

Well, aint that some shit. First it was Bennigan's Broccoli bites and now THIS. People of the world who run the economy machine listen up - if you do not want to induce mass panic and depression (more so than you already do, or are doing currently) please do not take away our small comforts. It's really in your best interest to ensure the cookie factories keep running - PMSing women and sugar addicts are truculent and alarmingly brutal. I understand that you might've lost $538,000.00 in stock, but we are poor and that money you lost is like our animal cookies. Except you probably have lots more money left and we have NO MORE COOKIES, ASSHOLE.

RIP Mother's cookies. I look forward to paying three times the amount for a bag of frosted deliciousness on the black market soon. Ya'll dont even want to know what I did for a case of broccoli bites - demoralizing, but totally worth it.

Who said crime doesn't pay?

Its no secret right now people are some broke ass mofo's - myself included. The economy is in the crapper, a gallon of milk costs more than an eyebrow wax and you cant go three feet without the shrill wail of someone bitching about gas prices piercing your eardrum.

And people are fighting back. Clipping coupons, having garage sales, blogging the recession, buying generic, becoming an egg/sperm donor, pawning your 360, etc. are just a few ways you can speak out or cope with the recession that "isn't happening".

Another option might be to get a side job.

One lady in Houston decided a teacher's salary just wasn't cutting it, so she invited "some dude" to the Four Seasons downtown for a little cash for ass. Imagine her surprise and dismay to find out she was set up by the fuzz. I mean, damn. All the girl was trying to do was make a little extra cash so she could make her damn car payment. Or buy a pair of Louboutins, maybe, I don't know. But girlfriend was obviously broke - did I mention the teacher's salary? And the recession? Far be it for me to pass judgment on a woman who makes 23,000 a year to teach screaming kids who don't appreciate what she's doing for them in the first place.

In fact, her desperation is downright inspirational. Taking a page out of her book, here are a few other ideas that might make you a few extra dollars and pull you out of your financial slump:

Administrative Assistant/Drug Pusher
You're in the office at 8am. Vanilla cubicle. Boring meetings. Mindless diet chatter. No one likes to be in that situation, and people are working for the weekend. Why not spice things up with a little chemical substance sampling? Make an established name for yourself around the office and sit back and wait. You can bet people will come shuffling around your cubicle, kicking their feet and glancing at the ceiling, muttering something about adderall tablets and spreadsheet deadlines.

Estimated extra income: $4,000.00 annually.


Real Estate Agent/Black market Goods Seller
Since foreclosure is such a threat these days and people are saving their pennies for an umbrella to use on the rainy day they were originally saving for, why not use your empty houses for a platform? Scour the internet for pilfered cartons of Marlboro's or stolen guns on the cheap, and have a private viewing and auction for said illegal goods. Be creative! Times are tough now, and you never know what a case of Charmin might fetch.

Estimated extra income: Anywhere from 5,000.00 to 5 mil.


Restaurateur/Pimp
With more and more people opting to dine in to save a little cash, you need to give them some extra incentive to come eat out at your place - if you know what I mean. Hire some pretty young waiters and waitresses and keep things going after hours. Make a menu with items like, "In-N-Out in your burger" and "Ryan's steak all up in your house" up for grabs, and watch the extra cash come flowing in.

Estimated extra income: 3 million a year, minus cost in condoms and STD testing fees.

Hot Child In The Suburbs takes no responsibilities for arrests, indictment, diseases or stabbings that may occur. I do not recommend breaking the law, and if you follow this advice please seek professional medical help and assistance.