How to look like a self absorbed asshole

A few days ago, my boyfriend's copy of Wired magazine arrived in the mail, The How To Issue, to be exact, and right there on the cover next to a picture of Julia Allison's killer gams was the headline, "Get Internet Famous". Uhh...I've never heard of this chick before, but sure, I'll read it.

Summary of article: Julia Allison dated some Gawker people, then some IT dudes, blogged about every last detail, is/was mean, held a dance party in Manhattan and took lots of pictures with famous people? She's like the Paris Hilton for quasi-intellectuals, I suppose.

Anyway, the article got me thinking about blogging and my own experience. Even though I'm too lazy to use apostrophes correctly and I disregard style, I'm not new to writing. Before being betrayed by countless people (and thats a story for another time, folks) I kept paper journals for about 12 years. Before blogs were invented, I had an online diary back in the day (Gurl.com, Chickclick.com and Geocities.com - oh, the memories) complete with grrlgoddess webrings and guestbooks. And while at times I'm completely self-delusional, achieving fame due to my blog is laughable to me.

Just for kicks, here are some of Wired magazine's and Julia Allison's tips to becoming "Internet Famous", and their applications in my own life.

It's not who you know, its who you're next to
Hmm. Well, I wasnt invited couldn't attend the Blogher conference, so I missed my opportunity to be photographed next to Dooce or Maggie Mason. However, I'll be at the circus tonight, so maybe I'll try to get my picture snapped with Bello. Actually quite fitting for this blog, don't you think?

Dress against type
Well, since I've been broke as hell this year and haven't been able to update my wardrobe, I think I'm officially dressing against type. It hasn't got me any recognition other than sneers from the girls at Macy's when I go in occasionally to window shop. But if old Jules taught me anything, negative attention is good attention!

Embrace enigma
Merriam-Webster defines enigma as:
1 : an obscure speech or writing
2 : something hard to understand or explain
3 : an inscrutable or mysterious person

Well my blog does a good job of being obscure, is quite hard to understand at times and I wouldn't call myself mysterious, but I'm no Brangelina, either. I think I'm doing a good job at embracing the enigma so far.

Let your minion's fight your battles
Now I need some minions. How does one get minions, anyway? Google was no help, and Minions.com was a bust. Perhaps I'll put an add out in Craigslist?

WTF Friday: A Rant

I want to talk about this Katy Perry. She's cute, right? To me it kind of seems like she stole 90% of Zooey Deschanel's DNA and Dita Von Teese's fashion sense, but whatever. We're not here to discuss her wardrobe. We're here to talk about this horrible, horrible song that everyone seems to love. Lets take a look at the lyrics, shall we?

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Some people have talked about this like its a good thing. Bringing bisexuality and lesbianism to the mainstream! Awareness! I did a little research on google and I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling exploited by this song.

Lets break some of the lyrics down here.

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
Drunk girls of the world unite! It's acceptable and okay now to do irrationa and risky things based on liquor induced judgements.

It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention
Hey, so....I really dont like girls, and I know you might or might not...so, hey...do you mind if we kiss? I'm curious! You dont mind if I use you, right?

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
Read: I hope my boyfriend gets a hard on and fucks me harder tonight.

It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
I'm drunk! Kissing feels good! I cant make a decision! Lets do a shot!

No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
So hey stranger! Give me a kiss! I'm gonna use you, I mean...you like being an experiment, right? Helloooo...havent you ever heard of human nature? I'm just curious! Havent I already said that?

It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
Grrrrrr....hear me roar! I am NOT a GOOD girl! Let me show you how bad I am by making out with a 1) Stranger 2) Girl. I cant make a decision again! Lets do another shot!

Chrous

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
Innocent? Wait, I'm not innocent I'm a BAD GIRL. Remember? SOoooOOoo naughty! Is my boyfriend still hard? Lets do another shot!

I think the thing I don't like is it's sending the wrong message. Imagine that! But in this age of the sexualization and exploitation of younger and younger girls, I don't appreciate women who know better in the mainstream pushing that kind of image. The, "Girls Gone Wild, You can kiss girls for sexual and positive attention" kind of image. Its disappointing that someone with such a visible platform would put that kind of song out there. You want to kiss girls? Awesome! I dont care if you want to kiss donkeys! Make a song about how awesome it is, how much you love it, and dont talk about your boyfriend, you slut.

Now, I'll go back to crocheting pot holders and sipping my ensure.