Me, some strippers and lots of vodka - Halloween 2008

So are you guys as excited as I am for Halloween?!?!?!?! HALLOWEEN! WOO!

Sigh. Whatever. I can't keep up that falsity - Halloween is annoying.

Seriously. We're actually going out this weekend, and guess who I'll be hanging with?

This girl:


Who'll tell me she's in med-school and isnt this a "cute little spin" on her Halloween costume? Later, her two best friends, Tranny Teresa and Ditzy Diane who are either DRESSED as strippers or actually are strippers (I've had a few drinks by this point) show up.
Then this guy will try to pick me up:

but luckily he'll be hypnotized by Tranny Teresa's boobs and forget about me. Being around the three should be Playboy models will get me self analytical and then I'll start drinking a lot of these:

give up all hope for flat abs and start dancing like this:



get disapointing looks from my boyfriend, go home, and pass out in my costume. I'll wake up the next morning with a killer hangover, and my boyfriend asking me what the hell was I talking about last night when I said I was going to buy the "stripperobics" DVD's and one of those collapsing dance poles?

Cant. Wait.

Maybe Cosmo can use the the large hadron collider to go back in time?

I am in a pissy damn mood today and it wasn't made any better by reading this shitty, offensive article titled, "What Makes Men Fall In Love" by Cosmopolitan .

Now right, I know, Cosmo isnt exactly the Associated Press and its material is definitely lacking, but the magazine has been around for 112 years, is printed in 34 different languages and is distributed to over 100 countries, so there is no doubt this crap is being read.

If you're too lazy to click the link, the article goes through the "4 primal desires" of men that you might not know could be fucking up your relationship! I know, I had no idea either. See below:

The Desire: To Protect:
Summary: Give him a job (no, not that kind of job although I'm actually kinda surprised they didn't suggest this). Make him feel "useful" around the house. Wear soft materials to heighten his amorous instincts. Wear his clothes so he'll know you've chosen him over the other guys.

Sooooo...we're just humoring the men now? And what if you cant fit in his clothes? Will a hat suffice?

The desire: Freedom:
Summary: Blow him off once in a while (no, not THAT kind of blow...are you loving all the oral sex euphemisms?) Tell him if you're nervous about committing because it will put aside his fears that you are not a, quote, "baby-hungry-ring-hunter". Little changes in your appearance (like changing your hair) remind him that your have millions of facets to your personality.

I definitely think my hair reflects the complexity of my mind, so that's good.

The desire: To shine
Summary: Keep it light, let him take the credit for making new friends, and playing and being good at mental games like Scrabble or chess shows him you're a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.

Fuck. I am so not watching Jeopardy! with JP anymore.

The desire: To comfort
Summary: Let him watch you primp - but only cutesy stuff like powder and lipstick, not icky stuff like tweezing your eyebrows. Food, or course, feed him. And if you know he's not a murderer, fall asleep on him so he'll see you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.

Uh..so are you telling me I shouldn't be flossing my teeth in front of JP?

So in total, Cosmo thinks we should just be treating our husbands and boyfriends like simple creatures who like soft things, food and chess. Gotcha. Well, Athena thinks we should be teaching our young women is that men are different like you and I are different, but we are all EQUAL. We should be teaching them to demand equality in the home and workplace, to be compassionate but not a doormat, and to follow their passions, not try to dumb them down or give them up completely for your significant others. It is just ridiculous that we, as women, have come so far and this ignorant, misinformed bullshit just keeps getting out. Its really such a shame, and whats even worse is the magazine is obviously is read by millions of teenagers across America, filling their youthful little minds with a load of shit that they're hopefully too smart to believe...or at the very least, too high to retain.

A punching bag would probably be a good investment

Let me ask you a strictly hypothetical question for entertainment purposes only:
If you could just straight punch anyone in the world, who would it be and why?

For me, without a doubt, it would be my ex. My daughter's father. The baby daddy.


I am an easy going, fun, relaxed, non-condoning of violence in any way kind of person. I am pretty much the easiest person to get along with in the whole entire world, really. But for some reason, it is impossible for the ex and I to have a calm, rational conversation. It isn't for lack of trying, believe me. Our conversations usually go something along the lines of this:

Me: Hey, I was wondering if you could bring Callie back home 30 minutes earlier today.
Him: I NEED A BAG.
Me: I'm sorry?
Him: I SAID I need a bag. THE PAPERS SAY YOU HAVE TO PACK A BAG SO YOU HAVE TO DO IT. I NEED CLOTHES.
Me: What does that have to do with bringing her home 30 minutes earlier?
Him: BAG.

Its like talking to a brick wall. Nothing gets through. You say one thing, it doesn't matter, he comes back with something completely different. Someone PLEASE tell me you know what I'm talking about, or you've gone through this, or you even KNOW someone who is going through this because OHMYGOD I am having homicidal urges and I need someone to relate to before I go off the deep end.

So tell me who's pissing you off right now. Do you also have a baby daddy problem? Baby mama? Your lover wont stop leaving the seat up so you keep falling in the toilet in the middle of the night when you get up to go pee? Neighbor wont stop blasting Linkin Park? Who do you know who deserves a good punch in the grill? HYPOTHETICALLY, of course. Believe me, I know its tempting but violence is (almost) never the answer.

Ice cream or sex? You decide.

So I guess Klondike has decided their target demographic is douchebags and morons, cause these new line of commercials certainly speak their language.

You've seen these commercials, right? One shows a man sitting at a table with his wife, having a coffee or something, when a thin, blonde girl on her cellphone walks past. The wife looks up, but the husband keeps his eyes on his wife, and the commercial announcer says something like, "Dave McHorndog kept his eyes on his wife. Give this man a Klondike bar." Yes, Dave. The people at Klondike have decided you really deserve something for being a good and respectful husband, and it's.....ICE CREAM!

The second commercial shows a wife unloading groceries, while her husband sits at the table twiddling his thumbs, or something. The wife is going on an on about someone she saw at the grocery store, yadda yadda, and she asks him a question, to which (wait for it).........he responds to. The announcer comes on and says, "Dan Theairhead listened to his wife's story. Give this man a Klondike bar." Wow, really? Isnt that what people in normal, healthy relationships do?

Not only are these commercials a bit misogynistic, it's depicting men as vapid, simple, uncontrollably horny, and riddled with ADD. Which women don't want, and I really cant see men getting on board with that image, either. Are there a bunch of crazy scorned women and/or gay men working in marketing for Klondike looking for revenge? Did someone slip a roofie to the person who was supposed to approve these?


A google search lead me to the press release put out for the new commercials. Here are just a few of the quotes:
..."Now, the “What would you do for a Klondike® Bar?” question is back in a series of new TV spots that capture those moments during everyday life when a spouse or significant other does something so unexpected there’s simply only one response – offer them a Klondike Bar!"
Or a bitch slap, whatever.

"The new Klondike ads capture the moments when people - particularly men - do something out of-the-ordinary to the surprise of their significant others. In one commercial a man puts his empty glass in the dishwasher (1) rather than leaving it on the counter – prompting an astonished reaction from his wife. In another, a man shows surprising (2) self control as he keeps his eyes focused on his wife while a beautiful (3) woman slowly strolls by. One of the five ads portrays a wife as she keeps her “true”thoughts about her in-laws to herself. (4)
1. NO WAY. I DONT BELIEVE IT.
2. Surprising? I guess I should be expecting my SO to do a full head swivel when a pretty lady walks past.
3. The Klondike people really need to re-define their idea of beautiful, I'm afraid.
4. Never seen this one, but I guess we're not allowed to let our husbands/wives know how much their Uncle Dan pisses us off now.

Okay, so I realize I'm taking an ice cream commercial a little too seriously. But I think its a bit silly that the Klondike people are putting out ads that perpetuate the idea that a man (and woman in that one instance) deserves a treat for acting like a decent human being or spouse. I know plenty of men who would think so, too. They deserve far much more than a Klondike bar...more like some good, good lovin and a beer. I'd take that any day over a 330 calorie ice cream bar, wouldn't you?

Sheesh.

I keep hearing all this mess about high gas prices keeping families from - GASP - going on a vacation this summer, which apparently is a sign of the coming apocalypse, if you believe CNN. On this, I call bullshit. Let me tell you - we are POOR MOFOS and we drove about 768 miles in 3 days. Yes, 768 miles. Google Maps told me so. We could have gone to like, New Orleans or Pensacola or even fing Roswell but we decided to drive all over Texas, instead. Gas prices, indeed.

Instead of everyone bitching about gaaaaaas being soooo expensive, why dont you try CUTTING BACK on your Target shopping spree, 4 dollar starbucks Frapps, and Panera lunches? Shit. Not that difficult, people. We are currently a one income family, with one "full time" kid under the age of 5 and one "half time" kid under the age of 10, and we managed to take a 4 day "vacation" to Six Flags. If you think gas is ridiculously expensive, try going to an amusement park, where you basically have to pay for the air you breathe. 13 dollars for a drink? Sure! 7 dollars for a funnel cake? Why not! You can even pay for convenience, which in this case I totally advocate, by the way.

I think the real reason for this post is I'm just a little bitter about NPR and CNN and other media outlets making people feel inadequate since they cant afford to take a REAL vacation this year. I read an article the other day about the high gas prices resulting in families traveling closer to home this summer and visiting their state parks instead of going on vacation. HUH? Are you serious? What the hell constitutes as a REAL vacation, anyway? God forbid you have to spend 4 days outside close to nature, disconnected from your ipod, laptop and blackberry. Its ridiculous. MW defines vacation as a respite or a time of respite from something, not a picture of Disneyland or a resort in the Bahamas (although that doesnt sound too bad right now). Instead of crying and feeling ashamed of the things we cant do or afford due to rising prices everywhere, we should adapt. Embrace the things we can afford, create new tradtitions, or suck it up, cut back and save for that trip to the Bahamas in '09. Damnit.

WTF Friday: A Rant

I want to talk about this Katy Perry. She's cute, right? To me it kind of seems like she stole 90% of Zooey Deschanel's DNA and Dita Von Teese's fashion sense, but whatever. We're not here to discuss her wardrobe. We're here to talk about this horrible, horrible song that everyone seems to love. Lets take a look at the lyrics, shall we?

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Some people have talked about this like its a good thing. Bringing bisexuality and lesbianism to the mainstream! Awareness! I did a little research on google and I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling exploited by this song.

Lets break some of the lyrics down here.

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
Drunk girls of the world unite! It's acceptable and okay now to do irrationa and risky things based on liquor induced judgements.

It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention
Hey, so....I really dont like girls, and I know you might or might not...so, hey...do you mind if we kiss? I'm curious! You dont mind if I use you, right?

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
Read: I hope my boyfriend gets a hard on and fucks me harder tonight.

It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
I'm drunk! Kissing feels good! I cant make a decision! Lets do a shot!

No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
So hey stranger! Give me a kiss! I'm gonna use you, I mean...you like being an experiment, right? Helloooo...havent you ever heard of human nature? I'm just curious! Havent I already said that?

It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
Grrrrrr....hear me roar! I am NOT a GOOD girl! Let me show you how bad I am by making out with a 1) Stranger 2) Girl. I cant make a decision again! Lets do another shot!

Chrous

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
Innocent? Wait, I'm not innocent I'm a BAD GIRL. Remember? SOoooOOoo naughty! Is my boyfriend still hard? Lets do another shot!

I think the thing I don't like is it's sending the wrong message. Imagine that! But in this age of the sexualization and exploitation of younger and younger girls, I don't appreciate women who know better in the mainstream pushing that kind of image. The, "Girls Gone Wild, You can kiss girls for sexual and positive attention" kind of image. Its disappointing that someone with such a visible platform would put that kind of song out there. You want to kiss girls? Awesome! I dont care if you want to kiss donkeys! Make a song about how awesome it is, how much you love it, and dont talk about your boyfriend, you slut.

Now, I'll go back to crocheting pot holders and sipping my ensure.