A punching bag would probably be a good investment

Let me ask you a strictly hypothetical question for entertainment purposes only:
If you could just straight punch anyone in the world, who would it be and why?

For me, without a doubt, it would be my ex. My daughter's father. The baby daddy.


I am an easy going, fun, relaxed, non-condoning of violence in any way kind of person. I am pretty much the easiest person to get along with in the whole entire world, really. But for some reason, it is impossible for the ex and I to have a calm, rational conversation. It isn't for lack of trying, believe me. Our conversations usually go something along the lines of this:

Me: Hey, I was wondering if you could bring Callie back home 30 minutes earlier today.
Him: I NEED A BAG.
Me: I'm sorry?
Him: I SAID I need a bag. THE PAPERS SAY YOU HAVE TO PACK A BAG SO YOU HAVE TO DO IT. I NEED CLOTHES.
Me: What does that have to do with bringing her home 30 minutes earlier?
Him: BAG.

Its like talking to a brick wall. Nothing gets through. You say one thing, it doesn't matter, he comes back with something completely different. Someone PLEASE tell me you know what I'm talking about, or you've gone through this, or you even KNOW someone who is going through this because OHMYGOD I am having homicidal urges and I need someone to relate to before I go off the deep end.

So tell me who's pissing you off right now. Do you also have a baby daddy problem? Baby mama? Your lover wont stop leaving the seat up so you keep falling in the toilet in the middle of the night when you get up to go pee? Neighbor wont stop blasting Linkin Park? Who do you know who deserves a good punch in the grill? HYPOTHETICALLY, of course. Believe me, I know its tempting but violence is (almost) never the answer.

My ass has gotten a lot of action this weekend!

I consider myself a pretty social girl. I like going out dancing, or going to bars, karaoke, even baby showers (karaoke baby shower is totally going to be my theme if I ever have another baby!). But as I get older, I've noticed I get really edgy in large crowds. All these people, drifting around me, elbows brushing mine, stranger's hips bumping me, the light touch of a hand on my shoulder letting me know someone is behind me. I cant stand it. Really, you'd think I might get a little thrill out of all these strangers around, lightly brushing my body...but there is a reason FANTASY differs from REALITY. Ahem.

Anyway, yesterday we went to Whole Foods on a Sunday. With a three year old. What was I thinking? The place was PACKED with people stocking up on their black beans and whole grains, and all I needed was some fucking mint shampoo. And the beauty isle was like a traffic jam gone awry, baskets abandoned, people just giving up and walking around. I'm standing there in disbelief when suddenly someone rammed my ass with a basket. I turn around and this tall blonde woman is looking at me with the SMUGGEST expression on her face, like, "Yeah I just hit your flat ass with my basket, and?" So I said, "Do you think you could back up a little bit?" and she replied, "I think you should get out of my way, actually."

OH HELLLLZ NO.

I looked her square in the eye and I said, "I think you should take your bleach blonde, 2004 gucchi wearing ass out of my FACE and step off, bitch." Well, not really. You know how you lay in bed and think about all the things you should have said? Yeah. In reality, I told her she didn't have to be so rude and would produce better results by asking more politely. And I didn't move. She got huffy and I got my mint shampoo. The latter probably set a better example for my daughter, but the inner badass rolled her eyes at my mature remark.

This is why Whole Foods should ditch the Jamba Juice and start serving up liquor.