My ass has gotten a lot of action this weekend!

I consider myself a pretty social girl. I like going out dancing, or going to bars, karaoke, even baby showers (karaoke baby shower is totally going to be my theme if I ever have another baby!). But as I get older, I've noticed I get really edgy in large crowds. All these people, drifting around me, elbows brushing mine, stranger's hips bumping me, the light touch of a hand on my shoulder letting me know someone is behind me. I cant stand it. Really, you'd think I might get a little thrill out of all these strangers around, lightly brushing my body...but there is a reason FANTASY differs from REALITY. Ahem.

Anyway, yesterday we went to Whole Foods on a Sunday. With a three year old. What was I thinking? The place was PACKED with people stocking up on their black beans and whole grains, and all I needed was some fucking mint shampoo. And the beauty isle was like a traffic jam gone awry, baskets abandoned, people just giving up and walking around. I'm standing there in disbelief when suddenly someone rammed my ass with a basket. I turn around and this tall blonde woman is looking at me with the SMUGGEST expression on her face, like, "Yeah I just hit your flat ass with my basket, and?" So I said, "Do you think you could back up a little bit?" and she replied, "I think you should get out of my way, actually."

OH HELLLLZ NO.

I looked her square in the eye and I said, "I think you should take your bleach blonde, 2004 gucchi wearing ass out of my FACE and step off, bitch." Well, not really. You know how you lay in bed and think about all the things you should have said? Yeah. In reality, I told her she didn't have to be so rude and would produce better results by asking more politely. And I didn't move. She got huffy and I got my mint shampoo. The latter probably set a better example for my daughter, but the inner badass rolled her eyes at my mature remark.

This is why Whole Foods should ditch the Jamba Juice and start serving up liquor.

Its cold out there for a Mom

Guess where I've been all day? I'll give you three hints:

The ladies wear short skirts
There is lots of shouting of encouragement, cheers, general hoopla and such
Sharp blades are involved

No, not some sick fetish strip club, you dirty minded sickos, but ice skating. More importantly, ice skating with my three year old. I enrolled her in lessons a few weeks ago after she started gliding around in her socks on the laminate floor. I'm serious! By doing that, she could be acting out her natural ability and talent, right? The baby books told me so! Besides, I'm always looking for every available avenue for Calista to learn a talent so she can support me in my twilight years.

Unfortunately, I think she's inherited her fathers laziness. She isn't bad, she doesn't fall, but she wont move. Once she found out she couldn't get out there and just sail away, arms outstretched and one leg in the air, she didn't want anything to do with it. So every Saturday after class, I get out there with her and we go around the rink a few times. Or, I go around the rink a few times while she wedges herself between my legs, screaming, and I drag her around with me. Today I was pretty fed up with this and pried her vice like little hands off of my legs and skated a few feet in front of her. "See how easy this is?" I singsonged, skating backwards, trying to encourage her to come forward to me. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, as she was moving forward and I was gliding along, backwards no less, entertaining ideas of becoming a (geriatric?) figure skater until all of a sudden - WHAM! I skated back right into the wall, feet flew out from under me (I seriously saw them in front of my face) and I landed straight on my ass. Dazed for a few seconds, I suddenly realized my own child was laughing at me! "You fell on your BUTT!" She cried gleefully. Then I looked over and noticed the little 8 year olds doing double axles in the center of the ice were pointing and laughing!!!! Bitches. Calista came over, and I let her clutch the insides of my thighs while I skated back to the exit. No one was hurt and fortunately the only thing I bruised was my ego. Bah dum bum!

Whats in your bag, baby?

Here's the contents of my purse for all you voyeuristic folks out there. Forgive the small pic, it will probably get bigger if you click on it or something:

• Green (recycled!!) makeup bag stuffed with junk I usually don't put on my face. I'm a foundation and mascara kinda girl, but I like playing with makeup (I'm a 5 year old at heart.)
• A small bengal tiger and smaller black poodle. You never know when an opportunity might come up to threaten someone with a bengal tiger, fake or not. The poodle is just for companionship.
  
• Childrens tylenol.
• One splenda and 3 McDonalds coffee creamers. Leftover from last weekend, and I just cant bring myself to throw anything away.
  
• My wallet. I know its kind of obscured by all the other junk, but I love this wallet. I don't even know how to describe it. It has a swirly kind of muted psychedelic pattern, and it looks like a blown up (not exploded) billfold with a clasp? It opens like a book and I can just throw all my crap in there and shut it. Perfect for the unorganized and lazy.
• Blue ballpoint pin from the Hilton Garden Inn.
  
• Tube of chapstick. Looks like a tampon, but I just peeled the plastic label off in a fit of boredom one day.
• Glitter hair and body spray. This has been in my purse since I went to the Disco Prom a few weeks ago. I am constantly pleased when I look into my purse and see this canister of excitement in a bottle. I have a can of spray glitter at my whim! The possibilities are endless. Also doubles as mace.
• 2 yellow wooden bangles and one orange and white stripey plastic one. Cheap summer accessories. Also 3 of the 5 bracelets I own that actually fit my tiny wrists (don't count the gold bunch of bangles seen in the disco prom picture because they're for a costume!)
• 2 bullet shells from a .22. Actually, I didn't realize I had these in here until I emptied out my purse. Probably would be bad if I got pulled over and the cop asked to search my car/purse. These are from last weekend when I capped some bitches shot at a fed-ex box at JP's family's farm in Centerville.
  
• Car keys. Go Prosser Mustangs!
• Hairbrush.
• Stamps and a part of Callie's pretend birthday cake.
• Instant hand sanitizer. Wal-Greens makes it in a pump spray bottle now. Nifty, eh?
• 5 Gum. Not as awesome as this commercial suggests, but still pretty good.
• Wet N Wild Mega Sparkle "Confetti" eye glitter. Oh, Wet N Wild. The memories you brought flooding back when I stood in front of your section at Target a few weeks ago. There was the time with the barbie corvet pink lipstick I begged my mom to buy me in 5th grade. All the crappy nailpolish that chipped off the next day. And who can forget the teal eyeliner I wore all throughout highschool? Oh yes, those were good times. Thank you for always having what I need, when I need it (glitter was purchased for disco prom).
• Banana Boat Daily Sunblock Lotion. I've been trying to apply sunblock everyday. I havent been too successful.
• 4 quarters. Laundry, people. One plus that will come with moving into the 'burbs - apartments with washer dryer included.