Lame-o

While recovering from the Epic Drinking Binge of 2k8, going to two fruitless job interviews, working, then coming home late at night so tired and so hungry, I have become totally boring this week. Total snooze fest. Sorry guys. I got nothin'.

So good thing Petra over at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy tagged me for this meme, right?!? You saved the day, girl!

1. Where were you 10 years ago?

I was a sophomore in high school and starting drivers ed. I had a totally obsessive and unrequited crush on this guy Greg (names have been changed to protected the innocent and mortified) and by some stroke of luck we were paired together in our driving class. With all the swooning in the back seat and furtive glances in the rear view mirror back at him, its amazing I even learned to drive in the first place.

2. What's on Today's To-Do List?

I have already completed everything on my to-do list because I am a badass. Or because there were only 2 things on it. I prefer the first explanation.

3. Name Five Places You Have Lived

Houston, Tx
Katy, TX
Prosser, WA

4. Name Three of Your Bad Habits

I have a really hard time remembering to close the cabinet doors, and it usually results in the taller people in my home (JP) smacking their heads on them. I also leave my car doors unlocked constantly (but I drive a crap car so it would really be better for me if it got stolen, anyway) and I chew my cuticles when I am stressed out. Gross, huh?

5. What Are Your Favorite Snacks?

I am a trail mix addict, y'all. Once when I was pregnant I ate an entire bag in one sitting! I also like tapioca pudding cups, pickles...actually I think I'd consider anything not an entire meal a snack, so bring it on.

6. Who Will You Tag for This Meme?

Serena, over at Zip 'n' Tizzy! Go for it mama!

Six awesomely badass quirks

Guess what! The lovely and talented Petra over at The Wise (Young) Mommy has tagged me for my very first meme ever! I am such a sucker for these things, and if you cant stand them, don't add me as a friend on your myspace! I mean, who can resist an opportunity for some good old fashioned self exploitation?!?

This one is titled, " Six Unspectacular Quirks About You". Hmm. I hate to break it to you guys, but I must admit, there is nothing unspectacular about me. I mean, really. So I'm renaming this meme to:

SIX AWESOMELY BADASS QUIRKS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF AND NEED LOTS AND LOTS OF PRAISE AND REASSURANCE ABOUT

Much better. Here goes.

1. Apparently I am quirky about food.

I guess I am a weirdo for wanting my food when or how I want it, but whatever - if I'm not in the mood for chinois, mexican or pizza, I will not eat it. Refuse. Decline. Reject. I guess this makes me HARD TO LIVE WITH, but go cry me a river - I live with your obsessive cleanliness habit, okay?! CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! Do you see me complaining?

2. I have a thing for free publications.

You know those stands at the exit of the grocery store with the Apartment Guides, Thrifty Nickles and Greensheets? Yeah, those. If you come into my house, you'll find them stacked up on the side table, next to the couch, driving my anal retentive boyfriend with an obsessive cleaning habit crazy generally enhancing the ambiance of my dwelling. My favorites are the Houston Press, Houston Family, and Skirt! Magazine. One of the great things about living in the city is the abundance of independently published free magazines. And okay, okay, I still get the Greensheet, too.

3. I will not drink light beer.

I just won't do it. Its disgusting. I haven't had a light beer in over 5 years, and I refuse to choke down a beer that tastes like pee. And don't tell me I've never tasted pee so I cant make that analogy because I really don't want to get into that discussion - it's just too humiliating. Beers are meant to be enjoyed, and I would rather be a happy size 10 with my Shiner Bock than be miserable size 6 drinking my Miller Lite.

4. I do not wear undies.

I haven't worn underwear in like, 9 years. Well, actually, when I wear dresses and skirts I do, but other than that, I am sans culottes. On Valentines day this year, I received a lovely box from Victoria's Secret filled to the brim with lovely, lacy things, and once in HS on my birthday I got a bunch of undies from a girl friend...perhaps some people don't exactly agree with my way of life?

5. I don't own a cell.

I haven't had a cell phone for almost a year now, and I do not want one, either. I think they're like invisible leashes. When I'm out doing stuff alone, I like to be alone, and I don't want to deal with having to turn my phone off just to get some personal time. I get a lot of shit about this, because people either want to get a hold of me and cant, or think I'm being irresponsible by not having one. True, having a cell will come in handy if I ever get a flat tire or something, but I rarely travel alone these days, and besides, what did people do when they had car trouble before cell phones?

6. I used to be a hippy

I fully believe I used to be a hippy in a past life. I'm completely serious. Evidence that points to this: Unexplained affection towards gunnysacks, 70's music, bohemian fashion and daisies, past promiscuous sex, I used to smoke a lot of joints until I had a kid, peace signs, and hairstyle. Oh yes, and see #4. Other past lives I've had: Titanic casualty (severe aversion to cold water), Cleopatra (the exotic qualities have been passed along), and Amelia Earhart (don't ask me how I know, I just do.)

Ta-da!

Now of course, this meme comes with rules but I don't want to tag any one number of people because I want to know all the SPECTACULAR quirks all of you have! I'm serious!!! All of you guys who come to read my blog should do this because I am interested in finding out good dirt I can hold against you later to get you to do something illegal for me relevant and interesting facts about all my fellow bloggers!!! Do it!

Confessions of a Life Slut

Have you ever played the drinking game, "I Never", or "Never Have I Ever"? Basically you start with 10 fingers up, and you state something you have never done, like bungee jumping or anal sex. The people who have done this, have to do a shot and subtract a finger. The game ends when someone ends up with all ten fingers down. Or pukes from taking 10 shots of Cuervo, whichever comes first.


I dont play drinking games anymore, but when I did, I ALWAYS lost I Never. Without fail. Because my motto in life is, "I'll try anything once". I have no qualms about eating blowfish. Dancing on a bar. Diving headfirst into a vat full of jello - which I seriously want to do once before I die, maybe upon death cause I might die by suffocating in raspberry jello. The two things I wont do are skydive and bungee jump because I jumped off a 30 foot high dive once (see what I mean?) and that was enough free falling for one life time, thanks.

And sometimes it makes me feel like a Life Slut. I've experienced so many different things at a relatively young age, I feel kind of guilty. While other people were in college, I was out collecting experiences like they were the box tops of life. Some of them are good (Good Citizen awards, rescuing a man who fell off a bridge, saving someone's life) and some are cringe inducing (held up at gunpoint, sneaking into the mall to do it on the ice skating rink (lol), getting caught shoplifting) but they are MINE and they've made me who I am today, and even though I was caught by the police having sex in a car, I embrace the naughty, the debauch and shine a positive light on it: I HAD FUN, bitches.

At least I'm not addicted to CNN.

Confession: I am terribly addicted to celebrity gossip.

Look, I consider myself an intelligent person. Grounded, philosophical, secure in the knowledge that I am smarter than 95% of the people I know surrounded by intelligent, competent human beings. I don't use spell check, I've memorized the dictionary and thesaurus, and I speak 3 different languages.

...Okay, so my spell check feature is ALWAYS turned on, I'm the queen of run on sentences, and the three languages I speak are English, Spanglish and Toddler. No one is 100% perfect, right?

But knowing that Justin Long and Drew Barrymore just broke up, or that Dinah Lohan is a fame whoring attention hound isn't exactly going to win me the Pulitzer, if you get my drift. I mean, all this useless knowledge is probably taking up room in my head. If I didn't read about Pam Anderson at the Big Brother House last week, I might have done better on yesterday's Jeopardy! (I am a faithful Jeopardy watcher. See how smart I am!??!?) . Also, I really don't care about Brangelina (they had the chosen ones, by the way), Christian Bale (would totally do him, but only as Batman) or Lauren Conrad (seriously, I'm not that sure what she does. The Hills, right?) and while I envy their ability to purchase cute shoes without a financial doubt or worry, I dont aspire to be like any of them.

What it is, I think, is I use celebrity gossip like the rest of the world uses TV for escape. I watch 4 TV shows regularly, and only 3 of them are in season right now. That is the most TV I have ever watched, except for my brief addiction to MTV when I was 15.
But even if its the truth, I still get looked upon like an inane airhead when I confess to strangers or acquaintances my deep and ardent affection for the tabloids. Somehow, TV watching isnt that bad in comparison and I don't know why. It seems just as dumb and indulgent as reading gossip columns, right?

One good thing, though, about knowing a lot of useless celebrity information is kicking ass in Trivia. Do you know who Phoebe Price is? Bai Ling? Shauna Sand? Have you heard about Lindsay Lohan's legging line? And join me up with one of those TV watchers, and we will take your ass down in the Pop Culture category, faster than you can say Jamie Lynn's backwoods baby.

What are friends for?

So, my best friend called me yesterday and says, "Hey, do you think you can vote for me this year?"
Being an immigrant from England, she is unable to take place in an election, which is like the perfect exemption if you ask me. Exotic and insouciant. I know that once you move to a different country, you are supposed to be interested in the new and different things it has to offer and be adaptable and all that, but I don't think I'd want to be involved in American politics if I wasn't from this country. Much like heroin, it makes you feel dirty and wrong, but I suppose it can be quite addicting.

"Okaaay," I replied warily, "Who do you want me to vote for?" There was a pause, and then she chirped, "John McCain!" Except I heard this in a loud, cavernous echo: THE DEVIL HIMSELF.
(Oh hi there, did I just alienate some readers?)

I was speechless. "John "Waterboarding" McCain?!" I asked incredulously. There was a tense pause on the other side of the phone, and then I received an icy reply, "You're not seriously gonna vote for Obama, are you?"

Oh dear. I had no idea my best friend of 13 YEARS was a crazy right wing republican. How did I not catch on to this? How could I have been so blind? Honestly, I'm exaggerating a little, cause I'm really not that into politics. I am whats known as an "Optimist", a rapidly decreasing breed of people, and in order to stay that way I prefer to remain as minimally educated as necessary about politics. I have my morals and beliefs and hold them to a very high standard (which apparently makes me an anarchist libertarian?) but thats about as far as I go. I plan on voting for Obama because of many reasons I prefer not to go into on my blog, you can ask me if you really care that much!!

The rest of the afternoon, we shot email after email off to eachother, highlighting our presidential candidate's pluses and issues, pointing out negative facts about the others beliefs, and sending mean edited pictures to eachother.

Hers:


Mine:



Later on that evening I received a call from her. "Truce?" She offered. I begrudgingly accepted. Politics may be evil, but it cant ruin a 13 year relationship. However, bring up shoes, chocolate, men, dancing or alcohol...they've come much, much closer in the past ;)

Crush loves you

Yawn. Hey guys. Its Crush. Yeah, I know, I know - you've got a crush on me. Heard it a
thousand times. God. Whatever. Look, I'm just here cause these bitches made me show up. I'd much rather be at home in bed with my uh, massager, and possibly my cute blonde servan- I mean, MAID, painting my toenails. I just need a break, guys. This American Gladiators shit is insane. I'm totally ready to slap a CERTAIN PINK HAIRED SOMEONE, but fucking NBC made me sign this contract saying I cant do anything "physical" until we're done filming for the new season. Fucking suits. They dont even KNOW how hard it is dealing with this chick. After the show she just struts around with her wings still attatched, sometimes naked, and talks about the ratings boost she "made happen" FIVE WEEKS AGO. GOD. And dont get me started on the new girl. I mean, damn. Cheerleader needs to lay off the pep pills, but Venom is such a bad influence and the guys are doing "performance shots" in the back, so I mean...it's just so corrupt. I dont know. I mean, you'd think that a show about GLADIATORS and FIGHTING would be clean and pristine, but these guys gotta go and dirty up the whole competition. I'll bet you didnt know that Wolf used to be a girl, huh? Back in '06 she started taking testosterone shots to help with her "allergies" or something, I dont know, and all of a sudden she just got fucking HUGE and had lots of energy. The downside was, her tits disappeared and she grew all this hair, but NBC said she wasnt all that pretty to begin with, and they made her get fangs and Wolf was born. I'm pretty sure she'll have to go through years of therapy for this, but she swears the fame and salary are worth it. I dunno. Anyway. Siren and Helga wanna go have sushi so I gotta go. Tune in on Monday to see if I finally lose my shit and beat the hell out of Phoe- I mean, a random female gladiator. Then we'll talk about a boost in ratings! Ha!

My ass has gotten a lot of action this weekend!

I consider myself a pretty social girl. I like going out dancing, or going to bars, karaoke, even baby showers (karaoke baby shower is totally going to be my theme if I ever have another baby!). But as I get older, I've noticed I get really edgy in large crowds. All these people, drifting around me, elbows brushing mine, stranger's hips bumping me, the light touch of a hand on my shoulder letting me know someone is behind me. I cant stand it. Really, you'd think I might get a little thrill out of all these strangers around, lightly brushing my body...but there is a reason FANTASY differs from REALITY. Ahem.

Anyway, yesterday we went to Whole Foods on a Sunday. With a three year old. What was I thinking? The place was PACKED with people stocking up on their black beans and whole grains, and all I needed was some fucking mint shampoo. And the beauty isle was like a traffic jam gone awry, baskets abandoned, people just giving up and walking around. I'm standing there in disbelief when suddenly someone rammed my ass with a basket. I turn around and this tall blonde woman is looking at me with the SMUGGEST expression on her face, like, "Yeah I just hit your flat ass with my basket, and?" So I said, "Do you think you could back up a little bit?" and she replied, "I think you should get out of my way, actually."

OH HELLLLZ NO.

I looked her square in the eye and I said, "I think you should take your bleach blonde, 2004 gucchi wearing ass out of my FACE and step off, bitch." Well, not really. You know how you lay in bed and think about all the things you should have said? Yeah. In reality, I told her she didn't have to be so rude and would produce better results by asking more politely. And I didn't move. She got huffy and I got my mint shampoo. The latter probably set a better example for my daughter, but the inner badass rolled her eyes at my mature remark.

This is why Whole Foods should ditch the Jamba Juice and start serving up liquor.

I'm hungry.

Recently, AOL Food asked its readers to nominate their least favorite foods. The top nominations were voted on in a poll and the results are in!

America's Most Hated Foods. (My opinions)

20. Blueberries (I agree. Hate them raw, but artificial blueberry is okay - blueberry muffins, uhh...blueberry popsicles? Hmm.)
19. Maple Syrup (What the hell is everyone putting on their pancakes?)
18. Cilantro (Yum! No one likes salsa?)
17. Onions (EWWWWWWWWW however I do like onion rings.)
16. Cooked Carrots (Normally I dont like mushy vegetables, but slap some butter and brown sugar on these babies and they're delish.)
15. Raisins (Yummy, also the perfect toddler snack.)
14. Peas (I like them frozen, I cant seem to find them at my grocery store's produce section, and snow peas are delicious in chinese food.)
13. Oysters (Tried them once, never again.)
12. Pea Soup (Never tried it!)
11. Sour Cream (SOUR CREAM?!! Who are these people???)
10. Gelatin (Is this like, jello? Who hates jello?)
9. Tuna Fish (The only kind of fish I'll eat.)
8. Brussels Sprouts (I've never tried, and they smell funny.)
7. Beets (Apparently I used to love them as a baby, then one day broke out in a full body rash one day after eating them. I guess I could be allergic to beets.)
6. Okra (WTF. Everyone who did this survey is from the north. Okra is the shit, people.)
5. Eggs (I'm surprised to see this one on the list. Usually I get weird looks when I tell people I dont like eggs. I'll eat them only if they're IN a dish. Or breakfast taco, whatever.)
4. Mushrooms (My favorite veggie)
3. Mayonnaise (Miracle whip is for pussies. Mayo FTW!)
2. Lima Beans (Not good on their own, but added to things I like them)
1. Liver (I like it but refuse to eat it, since its so bad for you)

Also, I'm convinced that these people just thought of food that sounds gross. Or I just like food that everyone else hates. More for me!!!

Whats in your bag, baby?

Here's the contents of my purse for all you voyeuristic folks out there. Forgive the small pic, it will probably get bigger if you click on it or something:

• Green (recycled!!) makeup bag stuffed with junk I usually don't put on my face. I'm a foundation and mascara kinda girl, but I like playing with makeup (I'm a 5 year old at heart.)
• A small bengal tiger and smaller black poodle. You never know when an opportunity might come up to threaten someone with a bengal tiger, fake or not. The poodle is just for companionship.
  
• Childrens tylenol.
• One splenda and 3 McDonalds coffee creamers. Leftover from last weekend, and I just cant bring myself to throw anything away.
  
• My wallet. I know its kind of obscured by all the other junk, but I love this wallet. I don't even know how to describe it. It has a swirly kind of muted psychedelic pattern, and it looks like a blown up (not exploded) billfold with a clasp? It opens like a book and I can just throw all my crap in there and shut it. Perfect for the unorganized and lazy.
• Blue ballpoint pin from the Hilton Garden Inn.
  
• Tube of chapstick. Looks like a tampon, but I just peeled the plastic label off in a fit of boredom one day.
• Glitter hair and body spray. This has been in my purse since I went to the Disco Prom a few weeks ago. I am constantly pleased when I look into my purse and see this canister of excitement in a bottle. I have a can of spray glitter at my whim! The possibilities are endless. Also doubles as mace.
• 2 yellow wooden bangles and one orange and white stripey plastic one. Cheap summer accessories. Also 3 of the 5 bracelets I own that actually fit my tiny wrists (don't count the gold bunch of bangles seen in the disco prom picture because they're for a costume!)
• 2 bullet shells from a .22. Actually, I didn't realize I had these in here until I emptied out my purse. Probably would be bad if I got pulled over and the cop asked to search my car/purse. These are from last weekend when I capped some bitches shot at a fed-ex box at JP's family's farm in Centerville.
  
• Car keys. Go Prosser Mustangs!
• Hairbrush.
• Stamps and a part of Callie's pretend birthday cake.
• Instant hand sanitizer. Wal-Greens makes it in a pump spray bottle now. Nifty, eh?
• 5 Gum. Not as awesome as this commercial suggests, but still pretty good.
• Wet N Wild Mega Sparkle "Confetti" eye glitter. Oh, Wet N Wild. The memories you brought flooding back when I stood in front of your section at Target a few weeks ago. There was the time with the barbie corvet pink lipstick I begged my mom to buy me in 5th grade. All the crappy nailpolish that chipped off the next day. And who can forget the teal eyeliner I wore all throughout highschool? Oh yes, those were good times. Thank you for always having what I need, when I need it (glitter was purchased for disco prom).
• Banana Boat Daily Sunblock Lotion. I've been trying to apply sunblock everyday. I havent been too successful.
• 4 quarters. Laundry, people. One plus that will come with moving into the 'burbs - apartments with washer dryer included.