I blame Monster.com for this

So this morning I woke up at 8am, showered, shaved my legs, put on make up and drove 22 miles both ways to go to a job interview that turned out to be FRAUDULENT.

I haven't had a whole lot of free time lately, but when I can I spend as much time as possible sending my resume all over town. I swear I've sent an email out to every business, shop, corporation and agency in town - short of oil companies, that is. I know you may be surprised to find out, but I do have morals! And since Houston is an oil town I am severely limiting my options, but I'd rather be poor than supporting environment killers. How could I take that blood money, anyway? All I could see when I put on a new pair of shoes would be a sad, baby seal face splotched in oil looking up at me.



But I digress.

I arrived this morning for my interview at five minutes before 10am. I put my name on the sign in sheet, and noticed that, what? 5 other people are also here at 10am to meet with the same person I have an appointment with. And then I thought, "Oh shit, probably not a good sign", but set to work filling out some preliminary paperwork anyway. After a short wait, I was called into an office where I was sat down face to face with the douchiest looking 19 year old child with bleach blond spiky hair and a smug smirk on his lips. He proceeds to tell me that the position I've driven 22 miles both ways to interview for has already been filled, but how do I feel about selling Kirby vacuums door to door?

OH. HELL. NO.

It was then that I turned into a crazy woman. I could NOT believe that me, at the age of 25, was tricked into driving across the city and then had to sit in front of this smarmy little punk ass with a smirk on his face, being offered to sell the DEVIL'S VACUUMS door to fucking door! I stood, and told him he was wasting my time and I didn't appreciate being led into a false application process, and has he seen the price of gas these days? After threatening to report him to the BBB, I then proceeded to the reception room, where I clarified the situation for the rest of the poor souls, and stormed out of the office with a satisfying slam of the door. All of this was done with a shrill kind of screeching voice and a pointed finger. I'm not exactly sure what happened...I think I might have been possessed or something.

I do not want to sell vacuums. Or Mary Kay. Or be in a pyramid scheme. People, all I want is a normal 8-5 position where I do my job, and go home to my real life. Is that too damn much to ask?!!

This post has a lot of yummy pictures.

Today I want to talk about running.
I fucking hate running.

(btw - if you google "I fucking hate ____" you will find that a lot of people fucking hate some weird stuff like "unplugged" music, fireworks (who the fuck hates fireworks?!) and granny carts. Uh....)

I run because I like food. I like good food. I am from the south and I was raised on things like home made cheeseburgers and chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes and MMMMMMMMM cheesecake.




Damn that is some good looking cheesecake. If that plate of sinful delight was sitting in front of you right now are you telling me you wouldn't eat it? Lick the cherries off the top at least? Uh huh. Thats what I thought.

So I eat yummy food, therefore I run. I haven't been keeping up with it lately, however. I've been sporadic and lazy and not interested. Its so tedious and boring, and it takes a long time, and I'm always worried my track pants are riding up into my crotch, or my boobs are bouncing too much. I cant download any new music for my mp3 player because of some issue on the computer, so I'm listening to like, Spice Girls and old Madonna songs.
Even thought I'm not running, I still eat the good stuff, but I walk past my Nikes (hanging forlornly in their shoe hanger, longing for the feel of pavement on their lonely, lonely sole) without a second thought.

Yesterday I had that second thought.

Getting in the shower yesterday, I glanced back in the mirror before stepping in and, literally, gasped at the sight.


ON MY ASS, PEOPLE. No. No, no, no, no, no OH HELLLLLLL NO. I wonder how long its been back there, smirking at JP when we're doing sexy times, glaringly obvious to everyone besides me when I'm in my bathing suit. UGH.
I know, its a fact of life. Everyone has it (and if you don't you better not tell me, I don't want to hear it, you smug bitch). But the most upsetting thing about it is, it is forrreeevvvverrrrrr. FOREVER. Like herpes. Or diamonds. Never goes away.

So back to the trail. Pulled out the Nikes. Did some stretches today in preparation. Yay. So thrilled. Its 96 fucking degrees outside, and unfortunately I cant run naked (firstly, OW, and secondly, EEK), so I'm gonna sweat my ass off and I'll look like a crazy homeless person by the time I get home, but at least I'll be FIT. AND HEALTHY. Well, probably just fit cause I doubt I'll stop eating fried chicken any time soon. Baby steps, people.

Web MD here I come.

I'm about to say something that is going to make you want to punch me in the face. But at the risk of death threats and bitch slaps, here goes:

I need a break from all these "vacations".

I know. Poooor me, having all this free time to go to an amusement park, trips out of state, trips within the state, camping this weekend, and Schlitterbahn in three weeks. Boo fucking hoo, right? But seriously, we all know vacations take a lot of work and planning and stressful hours online scouring the net for the best ticket prices, hotel prices, rental car prices, (I'm a ocd bargain shopper, so even though sites like expedia.com and travelocity.com say they'll book you a "package" deal, I just dont trust them), buying tickets, booking campsites, and going absolutely fucking NUTS. Then comes the packing. The packing of clothes (and the loads of laundry that goes with it cause I always have about 5 loads constantly in the hamper because I'm lazy I'm going on vacation so much I don't have time to do chores!), tents, food, all the f'ing stuff that goes with having a three year old, books, first aid supplies, toiletries for three people (now four), and the lists. Lists of things not to forget. Lists of places to go, places to see, things to do.

Hmm. Reading all of this, I think I might have a slight problem. But can you really be TOO prepared? The "what-if's" kill me sometimes. What if we decide to go to a fancy restaurant? Gotta pack the cute dress and shoes. What if we decide to go water skiing? Need to bring the print out with directions to the closest hospital. What if we decide to go hiking and get bit by a rattlesnake? We need that book that tells you how to survive things. Shit. What is that book called? Need to buy that book (Mental note: add to the list of things to buy before the trip.) You see? ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

This obsessive being preparedness probably falls under some sort of disorder, but since I've spent all my mental health money of vacations, I'll stick to wine and hope for the best.

Sheesh.

I keep hearing all this mess about high gas prices keeping families from - GASP - going on a vacation this summer, which apparently is a sign of the coming apocalypse, if you believe CNN. On this, I call bullshit. Let me tell you - we are POOR MOFOS and we drove about 768 miles in 3 days. Yes, 768 miles. Google Maps told me so. We could have gone to like, New Orleans or Pensacola or even fing Roswell but we decided to drive all over Texas, instead. Gas prices, indeed.

Instead of everyone bitching about gaaaaaas being soooo expensive, why dont you try CUTTING BACK on your Target shopping spree, 4 dollar starbucks Frapps, and Panera lunches? Shit. Not that difficult, people. We are currently a one income family, with one "full time" kid under the age of 5 and one "half time" kid under the age of 10, and we managed to take a 4 day "vacation" to Six Flags. If you think gas is ridiculously expensive, try going to an amusement park, where you basically have to pay for the air you breathe. 13 dollars for a drink? Sure! 7 dollars for a funnel cake? Why not! You can even pay for convenience, which in this case I totally advocate, by the way.

I think the real reason for this post is I'm just a little bitter about NPR and CNN and other media outlets making people feel inadequate since they cant afford to take a REAL vacation this year. I read an article the other day about the high gas prices resulting in families traveling closer to home this summer and visiting their state parks instead of going on vacation. HUH? Are you serious? What the hell constitutes as a REAL vacation, anyway? God forbid you have to spend 4 days outside close to nature, disconnected from your ipod, laptop and blackberry. Its ridiculous. MW defines vacation as a respite or a time of respite from something, not a picture of Disneyland or a resort in the Bahamas (although that doesnt sound too bad right now). Instead of crying and feeling ashamed of the things we cant do or afford due to rising prices everywhere, we should adapt. Embrace the things we can afford, create new tradtitions, or suck it up, cut back and save for that trip to the Bahamas in '09. Damnit.