Tankinis are dangerous

So I went to a German themed water park last weekend and got my bathing suit bottoms ripped off.

No, not stolen, literally ripped off my body.




I was in The Torrent, which is basically a lazy river with a wave machine. If you've ever been in a wave pool, you know that the water is sucked back through a grate, and then pushed out over and over again to create waves. In this particular "lazy river" the grate is on the side of a river "wall", where people will crowd around to try to "catch a wave".

If the over-use of quotations didn't clue you in right away, I'm pretty bitter about this.

I'm swimming by, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the current sucked me into the throng of people eagerly awaiting the oncoming wave. I'm trying to get the hell out of the way, when I realize the tie on my bathing suit bottom has been sucked into the grate. The tie conveniently has a large brown wooden bead attached to the end of it, making a perfect hook. The current is sweeping me away, I'm holding on to my bottoms for dear life, when I'm suddenly released, sans the lower half of my bathing suit.

So here I am, naked from the waist down, floating in a public water park, in front of a few hundred strangers. I'd been separated from the people I was with, and didn't want to actually swim anywhere, since my naked ass would be on display for all to see. And remember the aforementioned waves? I just let them wash over my head, again and again, risking drowning instead of jumping up above as they approached, which would definitely expose my derriere. I had to make three laps around that fucking "river" before I found JP. And as far as I could tell, no one noticed, although I did get a few odd glances when I had to come out with a shirt wrapped around my waist.

Not only did I possibly traumatize children and lifeguards everywhere, but more importantly, I have to go buy bathing suit bottoms AGAIN for the FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR. And those bitches aren't cheap.

FYI

Just to let everyone know, I'll be on vacation this week! Hopefully I'll still be able to drop and read, but posting will be pretty light.

Have a great weekend and week, guys!!

Not so happy camper

Oh my god, do I have a camping hangover.



Okay, that picture is a little disgusting and does not accurately reflect the kind of hangover I have, but I feel like shit and its the best I could do, okay?! Damn.

Like I was saying, I feel like shit. Why we thought it would be such a great idea to drive 5 hours away to camp at a lake with 2 kids under the age of 10 is beyond me. Building character, teaching responsibility and prying their grubby little asses away from the TV and ipods to get some fresh air aside, it was not worth the effort for only 2 days. One kid is old enough to complain the whole way there and back about being bored (the rule about no DVD players in the car might be eradicated soon) and the other is young enough to wait to tell you at the last minute that she has to go potty RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW.

The actual camping was much worse, however. Complaints about it being too hot, too windy, too noisy, too "chirpy" (the crickets) and too many shadows went on until midnight. The marshmallows were too burnt. There were tons of bees. A roving armadillo close to our tent provided some much needed entertainment for the kids, though, until it charged toward Calista's toes thinking they were grubs, or whatever the hell armadillos eat. The lake had too many "squooshy" rocks, and every time Calista brushed up against one she let out a shriek that made you think she'd just been eaten by Nessy. That happened fairly often since we were in a LAKE filled with ROCKS.

Even though I'm afraid of bugs and I wouldn't necessarily call myself "outdoorsy", I like camping. I really do. The trick is to make it as comfortable and pain-free as possible, and I always over pack so we have everything we need. I make a DO NOT FORGET list a week before we leave, and constantly add stuff to it so by the time we're ready to go, I've thought of everything. Here are a few things I'm adding to the DO NOT FORGET list the next time we go camping:
Xanax
Red Wine
Those Bose noise reducing headphones
That geeky personal cooling system
Valium
Map to the closest hotel with 5 star accommodations.

Web MD here I come.

I'm about to say something that is going to make you want to punch me in the face. But at the risk of death threats and bitch slaps, here goes:

I need a break from all these "vacations".

I know. Poooor me, having all this free time to go to an amusement park, trips out of state, trips within the state, camping this weekend, and Schlitterbahn in three weeks. Boo fucking hoo, right? But seriously, we all know vacations take a lot of work and planning and stressful hours online scouring the net for the best ticket prices, hotel prices, rental car prices, (I'm a ocd bargain shopper, so even though sites like expedia.com and travelocity.com say they'll book you a "package" deal, I just dont trust them), buying tickets, booking campsites, and going absolutely fucking NUTS. Then comes the packing. The packing of clothes (and the loads of laundry that goes with it cause I always have about 5 loads constantly in the hamper because I'm lazy I'm going on vacation so much I don't have time to do chores!), tents, food, all the f'ing stuff that goes with having a three year old, books, first aid supplies, toiletries for three people (now four), and the lists. Lists of things not to forget. Lists of places to go, places to see, things to do.

Hmm. Reading all of this, I think I might have a slight problem. But can you really be TOO prepared? The "what-if's" kill me sometimes. What if we decide to go to a fancy restaurant? Gotta pack the cute dress and shoes. What if we decide to go water skiing? Need to bring the print out with directions to the closest hospital. What if we decide to go hiking and get bit by a rattlesnake? We need that book that tells you how to survive things. Shit. What is that book called? Need to buy that book (Mental note: add to the list of things to buy before the trip.) You see? ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

This obsessive being preparedness probably falls under some sort of disorder, but since I've spent all my mental health money of vacations, I'll stick to wine and hope for the best.

I have been amused.

So we've been in Dallas for the past few days, at Six Flags. You want to see some characters? Go to an amusement park. Hippies stood side by side with the redneck church groups. 13 year olds in short shorts stood side by side with soccer moms. I think I even saw the scene kids with smiles on their faces. Maybe amusement parks are the one thing everyone has in common? We should start here with the attempt for world peace.

I'm going to get back on the road today to go shoot fireworks in the country! Regular posting should resume on Monday. I hope everyone has a happy fourth of july!