Snip snip!

You know how there are just some words that you really don't like to use? They just make you uncomfortable and squirmy, and your brain recoils in shock and disgust at the thought of them? Two common offenders seem to be "panties" and "moist", but those dont bug me, personally (hey, a girl's gotta have her dirty talk!).

Sometimes, though, the word you hate the most is the most adequate way to describe something, and this weekend there was no getting around the word that makes me squirm: douchebag.

I hate that word. Somehow over the past few years it's come back into common conversation to usually describe a dude who looks and acts like this:



or this:


and the reason I hate the word, other than it's just gross to say, is that it somehow became appropriate to make fun of someone by calling them a feminine hygiene product. Which is kind of weird, right? I know that there are other insults pertaining to the genitalia of both sexes, but douchebag (ugh) is just a special kind of wrongness. I think we all know what it means, but if you dont, go here and educate yourselves (actually, you probably just need to click here instead, you're way too young to be reading this fuckery). Personally, I think we need to find out what the left over snippings from a vasectomy procedure are, and start using that as an insult, too. Just to even things up a bit. Gender equality, people! Its the new millennium!

Tankinis are dangerous

So I went to a German themed water park last weekend and got my bathing suit bottoms ripped off.

No, not stolen, literally ripped off my body.




I was in The Torrent, which is basically a lazy river with a wave machine. If you've ever been in a wave pool, you know that the water is sucked back through a grate, and then pushed out over and over again to create waves. In this particular "lazy river" the grate is on the side of a river "wall", where people will crowd around to try to "catch a wave".

If the over-use of quotations didn't clue you in right away, I'm pretty bitter about this.

I'm swimming by, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the current sucked me into the throng of people eagerly awaiting the oncoming wave. I'm trying to get the hell out of the way, when I realize the tie on my bathing suit bottom has been sucked into the grate. The tie conveniently has a large brown wooden bead attached to the end of it, making a perfect hook. The current is sweeping me away, I'm holding on to my bottoms for dear life, when I'm suddenly released, sans the lower half of my bathing suit.

So here I am, naked from the waist down, floating in a public water park, in front of a few hundred strangers. I'd been separated from the people I was with, and didn't want to actually swim anywhere, since my naked ass would be on display for all to see. And remember the aforementioned waves? I just let them wash over my head, again and again, risking drowning instead of jumping up above as they approached, which would definitely expose my derriere. I had to make three laps around that fucking "river" before I found JP. And as far as I could tell, no one noticed, although I did get a few odd glances when I had to come out with a shirt wrapped around my waist.

Not only did I possibly traumatize children and lifeguards everywhere, but more importantly, I have to go buy bathing suit bottoms AGAIN for the FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR. And those bitches aren't cheap.