I'm not dead. I promise.

YA'LL.

I have totally been neglecting my friends, family, social life and obviously, my blog. I asked to work as much as possible, and my employers seem to think I was asking to move into the restaurant - I should probably just change my address and bring a pillow up there. I have no idea whats been going on with everyone - So HEY GUYS! What the hell has everyone been up to lately? Me? Lots of double shifts and home hunting - soon, the title of my blog will actually be relevant!

While I was out slinging onion rings and margaritas, I was tagged and got a few awards!! You guys! This iss probably just ya'll's way of saying, "Hurry the fuck up and post something, damnit!" but I'll take it as a compliment, dont worry.

This lovely award was given to me by Melinda, over at Musings by Melinda Zook. How freakin' cute is her blog? If you go there now you can watch the SNL skit with Sarah Palin (ya'll, I seriously just wrote Sarah Fey...they're practically interchangeable. Sorry, Tina Fey) and the moose. I know you've seen it already, but a preggo Amy Poleher rapping and mock shooting a fake moose will never, ever get old. Go! Now!

This totally professional looking award was given to me by Petra, over at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy:

My girl Petra always has my back, and here she is to instill a little "mojo" into my blog. This award also comes with being "tagged" to write Six Things That Make You Happy, so here you go:

Six Things That Make Me Squee:
1. A FUCKING DAY OFF
2. Spending time with my daughter.
3. Going to the cafe behind our house to eat breakfast on the patio with my boyfriend.
4. Being with my BFF drinking wine
5. Dancing my butt off in a packed club
6. Having an entire day to myself to spend at my leisure

AND I was also tagged by Sandee, at Comedy Plus to tell you guys Six Random, Bookish Things About ME. Sandee is so awesome, and funny, and her weekend feature, "The Comment Game" is surprisingly insightful while being really fun and kinda addicting. Go visit her!

The rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on the blog.
3. Write six random bookish things about yourself.
4. Tag sixish people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know he or she has been tagged.
   
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
   

Okay, um, I'll do all that stuff later but for now, here we go:

1. I have been trying to read some of the (not really)"classics" since last summer. I've read "Anna Karenina" (Ehhh), A Farewell To Arms (HATED. IT.), The Stranger (Really liked it), Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (really didnt see what everyone went crazy about, and I dont even care if that makes me sound ignorant), The Fountainhead (LOVED. IT.) and am currently laboring through Atlas Shrugged.

2. I am so proud of our bookshelves. We totally need more "chick lit" (BTW, I despise that term), but otherwise we have a fairly well rounded collection of books, and there are probably over 300 of them. I refer to the section of our apartment housing the shelves as "the library".

3. I have more than once went to Barnes and Nobles to hang out and read books. I will also admit that I have finished many a book there, without paying a cent. I am so sorry, and in the event that I fall down and hit my head really hard and have a concussion then wake up a great writer and decide to publish a book, I know karma will come back and bite me on the ass.

4. Also, I really hate Barnes and Nobles, Borders, or any other retail book chain. I prefer to buy my books used, because the thought of someone having it before me, and maybe before them, etc. etc. is very endearing and also because I love the way old books look.

5. I'll basically read anything. I am never NOT reading a book. But I really only like to read one at a time, and even if I loathe it, I will finish it.

6. And possibly the most bookish thing about me? I have a freakin' shelfari account! A social media tool for BOOKS! I am a nerd and I embrace it.

OKAY! I am going back to work now. I know. I'm a slave to the serving tray. Someone host an intervention!

EDIT: UH. Can someone please tell me why the bottom portion of my blog is highlighted and how to fix it? Thanks!
EDITED AGAIN: OWWWWW Jesus! That highlighted portion is really bright!
EDITED AGAIN: Well, I just have no idea. I'm sorry. I tried to fix it, but no luck. Blogger hates me.

Awards - I has them!!!!!!!

Look! Look! Check this shiz out:

My awesome prism of greatness has come back to me! Oh how I love thee, beautiful prism. I have to thank Mike over at Ok, Crazy for bringing the prism back home to mama. His blog is SO F'ING FUNNY and if you haven't read it yet then you need to go do is asap before you get attacked by killer locusts. You really don't want the last thought you have before death to be about a blog, do you? Nope. So go, go darling readers. But you'd better come back when you're done, damnit.

I want to give this award to Sandee at Comedy Plus. Sandee's blog always puts a smile on my face and I look forward to dropping on it. And have you seen her awards page? Good lord! She is on a friggin' cruise right now, while the rest of us slave away at our respective jobs or homes, cooking dinner after dinner for our family without an OUNCE of thanks or gratitude for being the glue that holds this damn family together!!!!!!! Whoa. Sorry. I think I've been watching too much Lifetime TV or something.

Anyway, I was also awarded this from Ethan aka The Natural State Hawg:



Which totally caught me off guard. SO flattered. He writes about smart people stuff which is totally awesome, but my blog must be like mind cotton candy to him. Which is cool. I can live with that. Everyone reads Hawg's blog, but if you don't then you're missing out on some great stories from the perspective of an Arkie. Don't know what an "Arkie" is? Go read his blog and educate yourself, peeps.

And I tried, but I just cant pick any one single person to give this to. I love ALL your blogs! If I comment, that means I'm reading daily. And I don't read blogs I don't love. So consider it all of yours, babies.

And I'm done spending my BFF Gold Card on imaginary shoes, and I want to pass the fortune on to Chat Blanc, at Wit's Bitch.
I love her dry, sarcastic humor and she always comments on my inane tweets, too. She loves Fashion Week just like I do, she hates bugs just like I do, and we're both on the hunt of a new source of cizash. She's recruiting ghost busters today, so go sign up if your interested.

Also, Laura at A Junk Foodaholic tagged me for the "SIX UnspectacularAWESOMELY BADASS QUIRKS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF AND NEED LOTS AND LOTS OF PRAISE AND REASSURANCE ABOUT" meme earlier this month. Sorry it took me so damn long, Laura! If you've been reading my blog for a while you'll definitely remember that insanity, but if you haven't, go here and prepared to be amazed at the amount of crazy.

Whew! There ya go. Thank you all so much for my shiny new awards! Have a great weekend, guys!

Two awards and a magic box

Well would you look at this:


The lovely and hilarious Ettarose gave me this award! Can you believe it?! Let me educate you a little bit on this particular award - it originated from Etta herself, and she created this award, to quote, " because words sometimes are not enough to show how much our blogger friends mean to us". So this award is like, extra special and important and did I mention that SHE gave it to little ole ME?!! SO flattered. If you are not reading her blog then you must be living under a rock or something. EVERYONE reads Edge of Sanity. Get with the program! Damn! Don't you want to be one of the cool kids?

Anyway, I want to pass this one on to my girl Petra, over at the Wise, (*Young*) Mommy. Petra was one of the first to become a regular commenter here, and she is totally sweet and non judgmental, and if we lived closer together I'm sure we'd start a Friday night "knitting club" which would really just be a front for drinking wine and bitching about kids and our insane neuroses or something. She's also up for one of the Dottie Awards over at Momdot.com, so go vote for her! What are friends for if not to pimp each other out?

Speaking of Petra, she gave me the BFF Goldcard Award a few days ago:

Which is awesome, except its not real and I cant spend it. THANKS PETRA! I kid, I kid, seriously, you CAN spend it, just in a different way. Like on fantasies and stuff. I bet you didn't know you needed a virtual visa to fantasize about buying blahniks, huh? Yep! Thats what its coming to these days. Blame the government. I'll give this one away sometime in the near future.

And I'm sure you guys may have seen this around the blogosphere the past few days:


Click on the magical black box and see where it takes you! Who did you guys get?

MORE awards!!!!!!

I have a few very important things I need to take care of today. Namely...

I GOT 2 MORE AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!


Cant read the fine print? It says, "You're looking at a Kick Ass Blogger"! Hey, hey people, this is like a license to kick ass or something, so you just watch it. Not like I have any reason to kick anyone's ass cause you guys have been so lovely and wonderful, really, but step out of line and face the wrath!!!!! The wrath of a kick ass blogger!!!! WOO!!!

Hmm, these awards really make me into a bit of a tyrant, huh? My bad. I'll try to keep it in check, but I make no promises.

ANYWAY, I was given this award by Petra over at The Wise (Young) Mommy, who writes a hilarious and addicting blog about her life as the mother of 2 young kids. Her style is reminiscent of sitting down with a good friend, which I love. Go read her stuff or you'll get a visit from ceiling cat tonight at the least opportune time. And that would just be awkward. And with awards come nominations, so I'd like to pass the love on to:

1. Vodka Mom
Her hilarious comments on my posts make me laugh, and I've really enjoyed reading her blog over the past few days. An excerpt from her site, "I like to fuck up at least once a day. It keeps me humble." This is like my new motto, people. Go check her out.

2. Venus Angell over at For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic
This girl gets the Kick Ass Blogger Award not only for having a seriously funny blog with great pictures, but for her Bravery In The Act Of Posting. This post alone was creeptastic, and girlfriend went the extra mile by finding 14 different pictures. That's dedication.

I also got an award from Sassy Mama Bear over at Cafe At The End Of The Universe. She runs a cute, fun blog full of great pictures and inspirational posts. I hope things are going better for you, Sassy Mama Bear and you're feeling much, much better.

As you can see, she gave me the Addictive Blog Award:


I'm like heroin! Crack-cocaine!! Look at that little monkey, he's like, "Hell yeah, this is some good shit!" I am totally down with being an Addictive Blog, and I consider it a great honor. Just promise me you guys will never go to rehab, okay?! They cant do it like I can!!! And if I'm not enough to keep the shakes at bay, try taking a hit off of these guys:

The Hypocritical One over at That Tears it...!
I'm a newbie to his blog, and what an addictive blog it is! His entry about Right Laners made me re-think my position on the road, and I literally LOLed when I read his comparison to the random clips of the Chinese gymnasts being akin to seeing the Grady girls in "The Shining." Exactly. Go read it.

Chat Blanc over at Wit's Bitch
Her suggestions on how to avoid an awkard next morning interlude would have come in handy 6 years ago, but I can still appreciate a good getaway plan. And she's starting a cult, too! Haven't you always wanted to join a cult? This one has chips and salsa that never end!!!! Go read her blog and you'll soon figure out exactly what I mean by seriously addicting.

So THANK YOU so much again to Petra and Sassy Mama Bear! And thank you, too, to all the guys who read and comment on the craziness I decide to post. Have a great weekend, guys!

ANOTHER award!!!!!!

Well would you look at this:


ANOTHER AWARD!!!!!!!!!! Thank you SO MUCH Dirty Laundry Diva! If you aren't reading her blog, God is not going to let you in to heaven when the time comes. So get over there and earn some angel points! I am so flattered to receive this award...I was nominated because she feels I am, to quote, "impacting the blogospere and contributing in a great way." Thats right, people. I'm a freaking blog philanthropist!!!!!!

This award comes with rules, and you all know how much I LOVE rules!

The rules for the AmyOops award are:

1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Oops” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award. http://www.amyoops.com.

Zip 'n' Tizzy
Named after her 2 boys, "Zip" and "Tizzy", her honest, comfortable writing is what keeps me coming back. Plus she's hilarious. And shameless - a characteristic I really love in a fellow blogger.

EttaRose over at Edge Of Sanity
Are you in desperate need of a redneck love poem for your sweetie? Look no further. She knows how fuse funny, seriousness and good old fashion ranting seamlessly together which is hard to do, and she pulls it off flawlessly. Her post about people who eat while they grocery shop also makes her a real life hero!

Dirty Shanks
If you are crafty and have a good sense of humor, go here now! She makes hilarious home-made cards and I love all of her work, especially this one, this one, and I'd like to recommend sending this one to your newly pregnant friend. Also has an etsy shop!


And GUESS WHAT?! I'm breaking the rules and only nominating three people! I am sitting inside a fume-y house (see Twitter side bar) and I think my brain officially stopped working. So THANKYOU SO MUCH for the award, Dirty Laundry Diva! Congratulations, ladies! Love your blogs!

I GOT AN AWARD OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look what I got!! Look at it!!!!!!!


This is my VERY FIRST AWARD EVER and I am just ridiculously, over the top excited about it. Look at that beautiful prism of greatness!! Doesn't it just speak to you? Doesn't it make you feel empowered?!?! It says, "I am a prism! I represent all that is awesome!"!!!! I just want to snuggle with it and stroke it's pointy little head. I am so humbled that Amy over at AmyOops decided to bestow this amazing award to me. And look, it even comes with rules!!! I always wanted to implement rules! This rocks! I AM empowered!!!!!

Very Important Rules That Shall Be Followed Or I Will Hunt You Down And Rip You Of Your Title Forever Causing You Great Shame And Humiliation
l. The award may be displayed on a winner’s blog.
2. Add a link to the person who you received the award from.
3. Nominate up to seven other blogs.
4. Then add their links to your blog.
5. Add a message to each person that you have passed the award on to in the comments section of their blog.

Whew, what a rush. Here are my nominees:

Kirsten aka Reverend Doctor Kirsten Valentine over at The Soccer Mom Files
She's been getting awards left and right these days, and that's cause she's a pimp. Oh yeah and she's funny and blogs about important and relevant topics (to me) like skymall, the voodoo knife rack and martinis.

Monique at Blogging More
This girl is a funny, well written, sassy little fellow Texan and I like it. I first felt connected to Monique when she posted about her love of shoes, and we share the common bad habit of calling out your mom.

Grumpus at When Things Get Dark
Ya'll, they don't call her Grumpus for nothing. Her sarcastic writing makes me feel at home, and her recent post on Nightingale Poop Facials had me cracking up. And intrigued. And - yes - googling where I can get one. I'm a sucker for the latest trends, what can I say.

Ege at The House and I
Smart writing AND humor for when you need some intellectual stimulation. Apparently she loves bacon just as much as I do, and who doesn't love a good rousing game of "Would You Rather" (apparently called Zobmondo?), featured every Wednesday on her blog.

Deb at Deb on the Rocks
If you aren't reading Deb, you are missing out on the good shit. Her post on surviving the summer got me laid AND kept me cool - who doesn't want to learn those tricks? And you gotta give respect to anyone who can fake an orgasm with 1,000 women and look good doing it, too.


Congratulations, ladies. Treat the prism with love and respect, and it will do the same for you. See how wise this award has made me??!??! I rule!