Monday, November 10, 2008

The joys of suburbia

So, we finally did it. We scoured the 'burbs, we cased the neighborhoods, we checked rottenneighbor.com, and finally signed a lease. Signed our life away to suburban hell. Goodbye, skyline, hello outlet mall.


Half our house is in boxes, which makes living here for the next 6 days like a maddening scavenger hunt, and bubblewrap is fun to play with, so theres that. I know that moving to the suburbs have some benefits, though. I cant think of what they are, but I know it does. I just cant find the silver lining. This is how I envision our first year:

Month one: Move into neighborhood, find amenities near by, restaurants, shopping, marvel how close we are to every retail chain ever built.
Month two: Complain that everyone else is close to all that stuff, too.
Month three: Meet neighbors, plan game night, introduce our kids, tentative excitement towards meeting new people begins to grow.
Month four: Attempt to enroll daughter into good school. Good school will not accept application because of "over crowding" (aka we be poor folk) and place us on the never ending waiting list, settle for zoned public school.
Month five: Shunned by neighbors after declining the invitation to neighbor's wife's tupperware party.
Month six: Nearby lot gets bought for new hospital, commence construction till 2013.
Month seven: Lanes on the main road get widened, commence construction till 2020.
Month eight: Daughter gets shunned by children for not speaking French, Latin, Russian or Mandarin.
Month nine: Car gets keyed with cryptic message, "Should've gone plastic!"
Month ten: Patio furniture mysteriously goes missing, lawn gets TP'd.
Month eleven: Start to understand why everyone is on drugs, get a prescription for Xanax and instate nightly cocktail hour
Month twelve: Full on drug and alcohol addiction, admit self into rehab, find neighbor in as well, bond over horror stories of nearly burning down the house with lit cigarette while passed out from too many Cosmo's and re-pledge friendship.
Month thirteen: Backstabbed by newly sober neighbor, start process all over again.

You can see why I'm so excited. Suburbia or bust!

14 comments:

Da Old Man said...

You'e going to love suburban living. Loads of blog fodder.

Good luck in the new home.

Bryan said...

I've been in the suburbs for over two years now, and I love your month by month analysis. It's not that far off, actually.

Athena said...

da old man - that and the good school districts are the ONLY reason I'm moving out there!

bryan - Great, looking forward to an opiate addiction around this time 2009.

Chat Blanc said...

oh noes!! don't do it! okay, if you must just be sure you look out for the nasty neighbors who leave fresh dog do-do in yard. they're sneaky bastards! :P

Deb on the Rocks said...

Woot! Fresh start. New people to shock. What a great new year for you.

Virtual bubblewrap! You have no idea what you have done to me....

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Or perhaps you can find another cool soul that lives in the suburb (like me) to sit back, drink shots with and make fun of all the other suburban jokes in the neighborhood. That would be awesome! I wish you could move to my neighborhood :(

Heinous said...

It'll all be fine. I get great material out of my neighbors.

Athena said...

Chat blanc - I KNOW!!! I am seriously going to be stalking the dog people...I do not want crap in my yard.

Deb - Oh Deb, you're so positive and fresh. Thank you :) And seriously? I wasted like, 10 minutes popping that bubblewrap before I got back to posting.

Petra - Me too!!! Total bummer. Maybe I can wish for someone A THIRD as cool as you to be my next door neighbor...probably still too much of a long shot, though :)

Heinous - I keep trying to see it that way!

J. said...

I thought the point of moving from the big, bad city to the suburbs (or as I refer to mine, Stepford) was that you didn't have to worry about finding and applying to "good" (i.e., private) schools 'cause in the suburbs you have good public schools. Really, is there another reason to move to a suburb? The whole lawn thing is way overrated, the neighbors don't give a lick (just like in the city!), and you have to drive EVERYWHERE.

Welcome to suburbia, Athena! Hope it turns out to be a wise move.

ettarose said...

athena, your neighbors will stop letting their dog shit in your yard when they get tired of having it thrown on their car. Long handled pooper scooper. Just scoop and throw it like a shot put!

Athena said...

J: even in the suburbs, there is still a ranking. Mostly the bit about the schools was tongue in cheek, but I always want the best for my daughter.

Ettarose - OHMYGOD I seriously laughed out loud. You're hilarious. Shotput!

Don said...

While the neighborhood kiddies are playing outside, walk out and pop off a couple of rounds from your favorite gun. Tell everybody, "I'm sorry. I was just releasing some tension." You'll pay a fine but nobody will mess with you again.

just a girl... said...

this post is freaking awesome

Athena said...

don - LOVE this idea. Now I just need a gun.

Just a girl - lol, thanks.