Sunday, August 31, 2008

Aint no party like an h-town party

The final theme for doodle week is party:

Which is appropriate, because today is my best friends birthday! The above picture is a representation of how we spent our night last night. Not shown: crowds of d-bag males, glitter, blisters from dancing in stiletto's, puke (not ours) and police men (the real kind, not strippers). Unfortunately, I did not listen to the wisdom of yesterday's smiley face and am paying for it today. It's up to you to decide which piece of advice I chose to ignore.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Something yellow

Something yellow, for doodle week.

Have a fun weekend, guys!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Enhancing sexy times since 1967

So have you guys seen this?

That's right, my friends. Cool whip in aerosol form. Ignore that pesky little voice inside your head protesting that cool whip contains oils, maybe motor oil?, possibly CFC's and leaves your mouth with a weird film on top - just silence it. This is a HUGE break through, people. Have you ever tried to enhance your sexy times by bringing a little food play into the bedroom? Got out the trusty can of Reddi-whip and went crazy with it? And then you noticed that, Ew. Stickiness where there is not supposed to be stickiness - the artificial kind, anyway. That's because Reddi-whip is made with real dairy, and once mixed with your drying saliva trails of love, will not only smell terrible, but will cause your ass to be glued to your satin sheets. And that is not sexy. Do yourself a favor and try cool whip instead of that lame KY his and hers lube. I promise spectacular results, with no guarantee of any kind.

(And no, that was not a paid post. Although, if I ever did paid posting, all my reviews would be that way and I would probably be the only person ever to be banned for reviewing products)

(Although, how awesome would it be if Cool Whip sent me a whole case of their new product for me to review? Imagine what you could do with TWELVE CANS of cool whip? Foam party? Whippits? Random cool whip attacks? There are so many possibilities...)

And today's doodle week theme is air:

Which is indicative of how I feel today.

Have a great weekend guys!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I've been brainwashed by my own brain

So have you guys noticed that the Halloween stuff is already out at your local store? I first noticed this a few weeks ago, at Target (of course) and I was stunned. I know this topic has been beaten to death, but I SWEAR it just gets earlier and earlier every year. Its nice to plan ahead, but if I go out and buy my stuff now, I'll stick it in a closet, forget about it, and then re-buy all the stuff I already did 10 days before Halloween....

...And now I suddenly understand.

Anyway, since I was reminded that yes, Halloween will be here in about 90 days, I asked my daughter what she wanted to be this year. "Hmmm," she said thoughtfully, "I think I want to be....a duck!" I gave her an odd look, and said, "Honey, what if I cant find a duck costume?" "Maybe I want to be a dog, then!" She exclaimed. "What about a pirate?" I asked, hopefully. "I wanna be a PIG!" She screeched, completely ignoring my suggestion. To say my daughter isn't exactly a "girly" girl would be a bit of an extreme understatement.

And today's doodle theme is fire, and this is what I've been fantasizing about lately:

(click to enlarge...............that's what she said, hahahhahalst4dahdhadf)
(sorry, been watching too many Office re-runs)

The weather in Houston is miserable, sticky, rainy and HOT like the second circle of hell (that's where all the hot girls and guys go when they cant keep it in their pants, fyi) and winter will not bestow her cool hand upon our city probably until...mid January. And only for a few weeks, at that. But Autumn will roll through soon, probably at the end of October, and it's the perfect time to cozy up to your sweetie and enjoy life by the fire. Or in front of your space heater with a "special friend", whatever your situation may be.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The devil's drink

Today's theme for doodle week is water:

And yes, that is a bottle of water in hell. I personally feel that bottled water not only causes tons and tons of waste, it also makes us pay for a basic human right. Yes, bottled water is a necessity in third world countries and in emergency situations, but I believe we can combat that need and find a better solution. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! Oh wait, that's Obama's slogan, isn't it? I'm sure he wont mind if I borrow it for this post.

Learn more about bottled water here and here.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

At least I keep things interesting

Conversation between JP and I last night:

JP, sitting at the computer: "Hey honey, did you hear about all that pirating off the coast of Somalia?"

Me, on the couch, idly flipping through channels: "Um, no."

JP: "Isn't that crazy?"

Me: "I guess." Pause. "Wait, why do they have to go all the way to Africa?"

JP: Gives me a blank stare. "I don't know...cause it's remote?"

Me: "Oh. Huh." To myself, "So now pirating is so dangerous and illegal that people have to go live in fucking Somalia to bring us illegal downloads of Rhianna and Jonas Brother's music? Damn. Someone should really throw a benefit to help these people or something. "

Later on:

JP: Look at this - shows me more articles on pirating and how much it's been fucking shit up for the harbors and boats or something, I don't know.

Me: Wow, I never knew pirating was still in style these days, I mean - light bulb - OHHHHH earlier you meant pirating, like, "Aaaargh, matey, didn't you?"

JP, looking at me strangely: "Yeah...what did you think?"

Me: "Um, illegal downloads?"

Riotous laughter from Mr. Smart Ass

Me: You're so gonna laugh at me with your co-workers tomorrow, aren't you?

JP: "We'll see how busy I am."

I know, isn't he lucky?

And of course, for doodle week, today's theme is doodle earth. Check out my earth, ya'll!!!!!!

Interested in showing off your doodles? Go here!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Its that time again!!!!

Ya'll. I cant help it. I freakin love doodle week:

It's going on until the 31st, and you should jump on the bandwagon. (If you couldn't tell, today's theme is a sunflower).
I know its not exactly funny (unless you're laughing at my inability to draw with MS Paint, then sure) but I love to draw so you guys are going to have to deal with my crazy doodles in between posts. Okay! So get your ass on board and go draw a damn sunflower!


Four years ago today, I gave birth to this little monster:

Happy Birthday, princess angel!

Friday, August 22, 2008

MORE awards!!!!!!

I have a few very important things I need to take care of today. Namely...

I GOT 2 MORE AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!

Cant read the fine print? It says, "You're looking at a Kick Ass Blogger"! Hey, hey people, this is like a license to kick ass or something, so you just watch it. Not like I have any reason to kick anyone's ass cause you guys have been so lovely and wonderful, really, but step out of line and face the wrath!!!!! The wrath of a kick ass blogger!!!! WOO!!!

Hmm, these awards really make me into a bit of a tyrant, huh? My bad. I'll try to keep it in check, but I make no promises.

ANYWAY, I was given this award by Petra over at The Wise (Young) Mommy, who writes a hilarious and addicting blog about her life as the mother of 2 young kids. Her style is reminiscent of sitting down with a good friend, which I love. Go read her stuff or you'll get a visit from ceiling cat tonight at the least opportune time. And that would just be awkward. And with awards come nominations, so I'd like to pass the love on to:

1. Vodka Mom
Her hilarious comments on my posts make me laugh, and I've really enjoyed reading her blog over the past few days. An excerpt from her site, "I like to fuck up at least once a day. It keeps me humble." This is like my new motto, people. Go check her out.

2. Venus Angell over at For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic
This girl gets the Kick Ass Blogger Award not only for having a seriously funny blog with great pictures, but for her Bravery In The Act Of Posting. This post alone was creeptastic, and girlfriend went the extra mile by finding 14 different pictures. That's dedication.

I also got an award from Sassy Mama Bear over at Cafe At The End Of The Universe. She runs a cute, fun blog full of great pictures and inspirational posts. I hope things are going better for you, Sassy Mama Bear and you're feeling much, much better.

As you can see, she gave me the Addictive Blog Award:

I'm like heroin! Crack-cocaine!! Look at that little monkey, he's like, "Hell yeah, this is some good shit!" I am totally down with being an Addictive Blog, and I consider it a great honor. Just promise me you guys will never go to rehab, okay?! They cant do it like I can!!! And if I'm not enough to keep the shakes at bay, try taking a hit off of these guys:

The Hypocritical One over at That Tears it...!
I'm a newbie to his blog, and what an addictive blog it is! His entry about Right Laners made me re-think my position on the road, and I literally LOLed when I read his comparison to the random clips of the Chinese gymnasts being akin to seeing the Grady girls in "The Shining." Exactly. Go read it.

Chat Blanc over at Wit's Bitch
Her suggestions on how to avoid an awkard next morning interlude would have come in handy 6 years ago, but I can still appreciate a good getaway plan. And she's starting a cult, too! Haven't you always wanted to join a cult? This one has chips and salsa that never end!!!! Go read her blog and you'll soon figure out exactly what I mean by seriously addicting.

So THANK YOU so much again to Petra and Sassy Mama Bear! And thank you, too, to all the guys who read and comment on the craziness I decide to post. Have a great weekend, guys!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I need help. Maybe mentally.

So is it just me, or is grocery shopping with your significant other an HUGE pain in the ass?

Remember the first time you two stepped foot into a Kroger's together? How it was sooooo romantic picking out the food ya'll were going to cook at one of your respective houses, like you were a regular married couple? Wasn't that sweet? Too bad it only lasts until you get into a fight about the price per ounce on a pound of ground sirloin. Then you wake up. Then you realize, "Huh. If Cheap Ass McGee wasn't here, I could get the organic ground beef like any other sane person, instead of being guilted into the funky tube o' meat."

But thats not all. There are different types of shoppers. Some are the blow and go type, where every trip is like supermarket sweep, and they just want to get the hell out of there. Others, like me, are the languid kind of shoppers. Comparing nutritional content, apples vs. oranges - literally - and taking a trip down every aisle, just to see whats out there. And when you're a leisurely shopper who falls in love with the blow and go kind, well...there are bound to be a few differences.

My best friend and I were discussing this last night, and she confessed that her and her high school sweetheart still love to grocery shop together and I was truly impressed. And they've been together for like, 10 years or something crazy like that. Screw flowers, that's some romantic shit right there. I mean, seriously, am I the only one who wants to have a throw down in the produce section? Is there some sort of therapy group for this? Have I finally gone off the deep end? Is there no end to the amount of questions I could ask before driving you insane? Probably not. So tell me, are you having problems like me? If so, how do you cope? Is there some sort of secret?
I NEED TO KNOW, PEOPLE. And don't say valium and a stiff drink beforehand, cause last time I tried that I just let him do the shopping while I rode that little carousel in front for 30 minutes, and I don't think my self esteem can handle getting banned from yet another grocery store.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Who said crime doesn't pay?

Its no secret right now people are some broke ass mofo's - myself included. The economy is in the crapper, a gallon of milk costs more than an eyebrow wax and you cant go three feet without the shrill wail of someone bitching about gas prices piercing your eardrum.

And people are fighting back. Clipping coupons, having garage sales, blogging the recession, buying generic, becoming an egg/sperm donor, pawning your 360, etc. are just a few ways you can speak out or cope with the recession that "isn't happening".

Another option might be to get a side job.

One lady in Houston decided a teacher's salary just wasn't cutting it, so she invited "some dude" to the Four Seasons downtown for a little cash for ass. Imagine her surprise and dismay to find out she was set up by the fuzz. I mean, damn. All the girl was trying to do was make a little extra cash so she could make her damn car payment. Or buy a pair of Louboutins, maybe, I don't know. But girlfriend was obviously broke - did I mention the teacher's salary? And the recession? Far be it for me to pass judgment on a woman who makes 23,000 a year to teach screaming kids who don't appreciate what she's doing for them in the first place.

In fact, her desperation is downright inspirational. Taking a page out of her book, here are a few other ideas that might make you a few extra dollars and pull you out of your financial slump:

Administrative Assistant/Drug Pusher
You're in the office at 8am. Vanilla cubicle. Boring meetings. Mindless diet chatter. No one likes to be in that situation, and people are working for the weekend. Why not spice things up with a little chemical substance sampling? Make an established name for yourself around the office and sit back and wait. You can bet people will come shuffling around your cubicle, kicking their feet and glancing at the ceiling, muttering something about adderall tablets and spreadsheet deadlines.

Estimated extra income: $4,000.00 annually.

Real Estate Agent/Black market Goods Seller
Since foreclosure is such a threat these days and people are saving their pennies for an umbrella to use on the rainy day they were originally saving for, why not use your empty houses for a platform? Scour the internet for pilfered cartons of Marlboro's or stolen guns on the cheap, and have a private viewing and auction for said illegal goods. Be creative! Times are tough now, and you never know what a case of Charmin might fetch.

Estimated extra income: Anywhere from 5,000.00 to 5 mil.

With more and more people opting to dine in to save a little cash, you need to give them some extra incentive to come eat out at your place - if you know what I mean. Hire some pretty young waiters and waitresses and keep things going after hours. Make a menu with items like, "In-N-Out in your burger" and "Ryan's steak all up in your house" up for grabs, and watch the extra cash come flowing in.

Estimated extra income: 3 million a year, minus cost in condoms and STD testing fees.

Hot Child In The Suburbs takes no responsibilities for arrests, indictment, diseases or stabbings that may occur. I do not recommend breaking the law, and if you follow this advice please seek professional medical help and assistance.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I am going to get so much hatemail for this

So my friend calls me last weekend and says, "Hey, I read the post about your "Six Awesomely Badass Quirks" the other day, and I cant believe you didn't include your ridiculous fear of dolphins." To which I replied, "SHUT UP! I am NOT scared of dolphins!" Cause in reality I'm a 25 year old woman going on 13.

But seriously you guys. Its not ridiculous. Dolphins are dangerous, loathsome creatures and we should all be aware of their evil and vindictive ways.

When people find out I have an aversion to these marine animals, they are usually quite baffled. People think of dolphins and images of Flipper come to mind, but there is something sinister to me lurking beneath their shiny gray exteriors and toothy smiles.

They are not cute. They are not nice. People, they are the undercover murderers and molesters of the sea. If a dolphin had thumbs, I'm pretty sure it would shank you and steal your iPhone if it had the opportunity. Supposedly, they're intelligent creatures, so they might be able to do it without thumbs, so watch your back. They are self aware creatures, too, which makes them even more dangerous. They are killing innocent mackerel left and right, relishing in the bloodshed and gore.

Whats even more sickening about dolphins is their blowhole:

(Sidenote: Never, ever google an image of "blowhole" if your safe search is not turned on. Oh. My. God.)

It is a HOLE. A nearly perfect circle on top of their head. If that doesn't give you the willies there is something wrong with you. And yeah yeah, I know its so they can breathe but every time I see a picture of one, I just want to stuff a cork in it. Excuse me if I think its pretty sick that I can look down and peer into your body. Yeah, no thanks. And I don't care what anyone says, I know humans have holes in their body but it is NOT THE SAME. Our holes are not on top of our heads.

So this summer if you're out on a yacht, swimming in the pacific or on a snorkeling excursion, and you come in contact with a dolphin DON'T PANIC. Do not make eye contact, make any sudden movements or attempt to shoot it with a harpoon. Slowly swim away, keeping the dolphin in your line of sight, until you are at least 30 feet away or back on the boat. The worst thing you could ever do is kill a dolphin. Once they're through mourning the loss of their kin, they will send out a search party for you and take you down like Chris Brown on a groupie.

Consider this your public service announcement.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Six awesomely badass quirks

Guess what! The lovely and talented Petra over at The Wise (Young) Mommy has tagged me for my very first meme ever! I am such a sucker for these things, and if you cant stand them, don't add me as a friend on your myspace! I mean, who can resist an opportunity for some good old fashioned self exploitation?!?

This one is titled, " Six Unspectacular Quirks About You". Hmm. I hate to break it to you guys, but I must admit, there is nothing unspectacular about me. I mean, really. So I'm renaming this meme to:


Much better. Here goes.

1. Apparently I am quirky about food.

I guess I am a weirdo for wanting my food when or how I want it, but whatever - if I'm not in the mood for chinois, mexican or pizza, I will not eat it. Refuse. Decline. Reject. I guess this makes me HARD TO LIVE WITH, but go cry me a river - I live with your obsessive cleanliness habit, okay?! CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! Do you see me complaining?

2. I have a thing for free publications.

You know those stands at the exit of the grocery store with the Apartment Guides, Thrifty Nickles and Greensheets? Yeah, those. If you come into my house, you'll find them stacked up on the side table, next to the couch, driving my anal retentive boyfriend with an obsessive cleaning habit crazy generally enhancing the ambiance of my dwelling. My favorites are the Houston Press, Houston Family, and Skirt! Magazine. One of the great things about living in the city is the abundance of independently published free magazines. And okay, okay, I still get the Greensheet, too.

3. I will not drink light beer.

I just won't do it. Its disgusting. I haven't had a light beer in over 5 years, and I refuse to choke down a beer that tastes like pee. And don't tell me I've never tasted pee so I cant make that analogy because I really don't want to get into that discussion - it's just too humiliating. Beers are meant to be enjoyed, and I would rather be a happy size 10 with my Shiner Bock than be miserable size 6 drinking my Miller Lite.

4. I do not wear undies.

I haven't worn underwear in like, 9 years. Well, actually, when I wear dresses and skirts I do, but other than that, I am sans culottes. On Valentines day this year, I received a lovely box from Victoria's Secret filled to the brim with lovely, lacy things, and once in HS on my birthday I got a bunch of undies from a girl friend...perhaps some people don't exactly agree with my way of life?

5. I don't own a cell.

I haven't had a cell phone for almost a year now, and I do not want one, either. I think they're like invisible leashes. When I'm out doing stuff alone, I like to be alone, and I don't want to deal with having to turn my phone off just to get some personal time. I get a lot of shit about this, because people either want to get a hold of me and cant, or think I'm being irresponsible by not having one. True, having a cell will come in handy if I ever get a flat tire or something, but I rarely travel alone these days, and besides, what did people do when they had car trouble before cell phones?

6. I used to be a hippy

I fully believe I used to be a hippy in a past life. I'm completely serious. Evidence that points to this: Unexplained affection towards gunnysacks, 70's music, bohemian fashion and daisies, past promiscuous sex, I used to smoke a lot of joints until I had a kid, peace signs, and hairstyle. Oh yes, and see #4. Other past lives I've had: Titanic casualty (severe aversion to cold water), Cleopatra (the exotic qualities have been passed along), and Amelia Earhart (don't ask me how I know, I just do.)


Now of course, this meme comes with rules but I don't want to tag any one number of people because I want to know all the SPECTACULAR quirks all of you have! I'm serious!!! All of you guys who come to read my blog should do this because I am interested in finding out good dirt I can hold against you later to get you to do something illegal for me relevant and interesting facts about all my fellow bloggers!!! Do it!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I probably knocked 5 years off my journey to Alzheimer's, too

Since I spent the majority of the day yesterday breathing in aluminum paint fumes, sitting in a house with the a/c turned off to combat the ventilation of said fumes, and then sleeping all night long without the cool caress of the air conditioner on my hot, sweaty skin, I am a little fucking cranky today.


I also think the paint fumes might have melted my brain a little bit...this morning, I'm in the kitchen, making cinnamon toast for my daughter. Toast, butter, cinnamon, sugar, check. I gave her the plate, and went back in the kitchen to start making coffee. Three seconds later, she comes running into the kitchen, with a look on her face like she just swallowed a fly. A fly covered in dog poop that just came out of a moldy, rotten apple.
"What? What is it?" I demanded, all freaked out, and she opened her mouth and a wad of half chewed bread tumbled out and plopped on the floor. Sick, I know. "What on earth is wrong?" I asked again, and she wailed, "It tastes NAAAAAAAAAASTY". Since cinnamon toast is usually only a weekend treat, I knew she wasn't being a freak about food like normal, and I took a closer look at the ingredients. Bread is fine, no mold. Butter, fine. Cumin, fine. OH. Oops.

I gave my daughter cumin sugar toast this morning. Awesome.

So I'm taking things a little easy today. No hard labor. No strenuous activity. Its obviously going to be "one of those days", and I don't need any more of this mental trickery after such a stressful day yesterday. A little deserved R&R, and I think a little pool side lounging and retail therapy with the kiddo should do the trick.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

ANOTHER award!!!!!!

Well would you look at this:

ANOTHER AWARD!!!!!!!!!! Thank you SO MUCH Dirty Laundry Diva! If you aren't reading her blog, God is not going to let you in to heaven when the time comes. So get over there and earn some angel points! I am so flattered to receive this award...I was nominated because she feels I am, to quote, "impacting the blogospere and contributing in a great way." Thats right, people. I'm a freaking blog philanthropist!!!!!!

This award comes with rules, and you all know how much I LOVE rules!

The rules for the AmyOops award are:

1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Oops” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

Zip 'n' Tizzy
Named after her 2 boys, "Zip" and "Tizzy", her honest, comfortable writing is what keeps me coming back. Plus she's hilarious. And shameless - a characteristic I really love in a fellow blogger.

EttaRose over at Edge Of Sanity

Are you in desperate need of a redneck love poem for your sweetie? Look no further. She knows how fuse funny, seriousness and good old fashion ranting seamlessly together which is hard to do, and she pulls it off flawlessly. Her post about people who eat while they grocery shop also makes her a real life hero!

Dirty Shanks
If you are crafty and have a good sense of humor, go here now! She makes hilarious home-made cards and I love all of her work, especially this one, this one, and I'd like to recommend sending this one to your newly pregnant friend. Also has an etsy shop!

And GUESS WHAT?! I'm breaking the rules and only nominating three people! I am sitting inside a fume-y house (see Twitter side bar) and I think my brain officially stopped working. So THANKYOU SO MUCH for the award, Dirty Laundry Diva! Congratulations, ladies! Love your blogs!

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Olympics are sexy

So was it like, "All Beijing Olympics, All The Time" central at your house like it was at ours this weekend?

In the past, I've really had no interest in the Olympics. Not for political reasons, or environmental reasons, or because I think The Olympics is exploiting underage girls, mainly just because I've either been preoccupied or had better stuff to do:

1984: 2 years old, wanted to watch Mr. Rogers Neighborhood instead.
1988: 6 years old, wanted to play with My Little Ponies instead.
1992: 10 years old, was busy practicing my Madonna stage routines in my bedroom.
1996: 14 years old, only interested in getting my period, watching MTV, and 3-way calling my friends.
2000: 18 years old, how do you watch TV while you spend all your time dancing and drinking in clubs?
2004: 22 years old, was busy freaking the hell out about being pregnant and impending child birth.

So now that I'm a little older, wiser, and lead a tame, vanilla life as a stay at home mom mature, more fulfilling life, I have more free time to pursue other intelligent interests.

Oh who am I kidding, my boyfriend wanted to watch it and I became hooked.

To be honest though, I wasn't really feeling it, until the swimming events:

and then I realized, "Why, I have been missing out on some riveting stuff! I think I will watch this!"

(Men and woman's beach volleyball, swimming, tennis, fencing, mens water polo and woman's synchronized swimming are among my other interests. Modern Pentathlon was momentarily on the list, too, until I figured out it said pentathlon NOT penetration. Damnit. )

There are 13 more days of Olympic stimulation, people. SET. YOUR. TIVO. You probably don't want to miss beach volleyball tonight, do you? Ladies in bikinis! Men in...what do the men wear? Oh. Too many clothes. Whatever. Still men playing volleyball which I find kinda hot for some reason. Maybe because its mainly portrayed as a woman's sport? Disrupting gender stereotypes gets me all riled up, really...what they NEED to do is make a men's synchronized swimming...mmmm....


Thursday, August 7, 2008

A punching bag would probably be a good investment

Let me ask you a strictly hypothetical question for entertainment purposes only:
If you could just straight punch anyone in the world, who would it be and why?

For me, without a doubt, it would be my ex. My daughter's father. The baby daddy.

I am an easy going, fun, relaxed, non-condoning of violence in any way kind of person. I am pretty much the easiest person to get along with in the whole entire world, really. But for some reason, it is impossible for the ex and I to have a calm, rational conversation. It isn't for lack of trying, believe me. Our conversations usually go something along the lines of this:

Me: Hey, I was wondering if you could bring Callie back home 30 minutes earlier today.
Me: I'm sorry?
Me: What does that have to do with bringing her home 30 minutes earlier?
Him: BAG.

Its like talking to a brick wall. Nothing gets through. You say one thing, it doesn't matter, he comes back with something completely different. Someone PLEASE tell me you know what I'm talking about, or you've gone through this, or you even KNOW someone who is going through this because OHMYGOD I am having homicidal urges and I need someone to relate to before I go off the deep end.

So tell me who's pissing you off right now. Do you also have a baby daddy problem? Baby mama? Your lover wont stop leaving the seat up so you keep falling in the toilet in the middle of the night when you get up to go pee? Neighbor wont stop blasting Linkin Park? Who do you know who deserves a good punch in the grill? HYPOTHETICALLY, of course. Believe me, I know its tempting but violence is (almost) never the answer.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I GOT AN AWARD OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look what I got!! Look at it!!!!!!!

This is my VERY FIRST AWARD EVER and I am just ridiculously, over the top excited about it. Look at that beautiful prism of greatness!! Doesn't it just speak to you? Doesn't it make you feel empowered?!?! It says, "I am a prism! I represent all that is awesome!"!!!! I just want to snuggle with it and stroke it's pointy little head. I am so humbled that Amy over at AmyOops decided to bestow this amazing award to me. And look, it even comes with rules!!! I always wanted to implement rules! This rocks! I AM empowered!!!!!

Very Important Rules That Shall Be Followed Or I Will Hunt You Down And Rip You Of Your Title Forever Causing You Great Shame And Humiliation
l. The award may be displayed on a winner’s blog.
2. Add a link to the person who you received the award from.
3. Nominate up to seven other blogs.
4. Then add their links to your blog.
5. Add a message to each person that you have passed the award on to in the comments section of their blog.

Whew, what a rush. Here are my nominees:

Kirsten aka Reverend Doctor Kirsten Valentine over at The Soccer Mom Files
She's been getting awards left and right these days, and that's cause she's a pimp. Oh yeah and she's funny and blogs about important and relevant topics (to me) like skymall, the voodoo knife rack and martinis.

Monique at Blogging More
This girl is a funny, well written, sassy little fellow Texan and I like it. I first felt connected to Monique when she posted about her love of shoes, and we share the common bad habit of calling out your mom.

Grumpus at When Things Get Dark
Ya'll, they don't call her Grumpus for nothing. Her sarcastic writing makes me feel at home, and her recent post on Nightingale Poop Facials had me cracking up. And intrigued. And - yes - googling where I can get one. I'm a sucker for the latest trends, what can I say.

Ege at The House and I
Smart writing AND humor for when you need some intellectual stimulation. Apparently she loves bacon just as much as I do, and who doesn't love a good rousing game of "Would You Rather" (apparently called ?), featured every Wednesday on her blog.

Deb at Deb on the Rocks
If you aren't reading Deb, you are missing out on the good shit. Her post on surviving the summer got me laid AND kept me cool - who doesn't want to learn those tricks? And you gotta give respect to anyone who can fake an orgasm with 1,000 women and look good doing it, too.

Congratulations, ladies. Treat the prism with love and respect, and it will do the same for you. See how wise this award has made me??!??! I rule!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Athena vs. Edouard

Oh, damn it.

You do not want to see any type of storm thingy when you are a stay at home mom. Cause rain = child gets bored, cranky, doesn't want to play with anything besides things they can not play with, throws fits, accidentally breaks the dishwasher, and mom starts drinking as soon as other responsible parent gets home, and ends up drunk in bed at 6pm.

Just generally not good for the family morale.

To combat Ornery Child Syndrome you have to have a rigid POA (Plan Of Attack - learned this from Design Star), with activities planned for every minute. Snack time, nap time, TV time (so Mommy can have 30 minutes of peace with her In Style Magazine, damnit) and have supplies at the ready: glue, glitter, popsicle sticks, googly eyes, cardboard, child safety scissors, paint, brushes, paper, paper sacks, old socks, those garbage bag twisty ties, anything at all, really, that can be molded, painted, cut, glued or shellacked. Apparently to my daughter this includes house hold appliances and clothing. Her artistic vision is something else.

You may argue that you can take the child out of the house during a storm. This might be true, however, I have been scared senseless with even the lightest smattering of rain by local weather forecasters who have warned of imminent death approaching, even if I so much as open my front door. After Hurricane Katrina, all the weather forecasters went into a frothy mouthed downward spiral, using fear tactics, threats, and physical bodily harm to keep viewers at home on their couches, frozen in terror, tuned in to their weather report to find out if the Armageddon was coming their way.

Most of the forecasters from back in the "day" have retired and been replaced with sensible, vanilla weatherpeeps, but they still warn of combating destruction with preparedness. So I've equipped myself with the essentials: Flashlight, batteries, small flotation devices (floaties, noodles, boogie board), arts and crafts box, and copious amounts of red wine. So BRING IT, tropical storm Edouard. We'll see who the true fighter is.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Front, back and side to side

This weekend, the kiddo went to grandma's house, the fourth member of the family went back home, and things hit the "standstill" we'd been talking about all month. We were all alone for the first time in 30 days, and damnit, we weren't going to waste the opportunity, if you know what I'm talking about.

NO, not that. Jeeze, you think I could go 30 days? I can barely go three days, but we'll save that story for another time.

No, folks, we had ourselves a little partay. A 2 person partay, but a partay none the less.

(And yes, there is a difference between a party and a par-tay (#1, section 2).

Here are my three must-haves for a successful party:



Thats right. Cheap wine, nerdy board games and hardcore gangster rap. If you substitute the red wine with OE and the scrabble for dominoes, you'll experience my life from 19-21, but I'm a GROWN UP now, and I needed an upgrade (In my 30's, I'm looking forward to Alize and Yahtzee).

Today I'm nursing my hangover and preparing for the first week where I'll have nothing to do.
Besides entertain and keep up with a three year old, of course.