Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone!

I'm pretty sure this is the scariest Halloween costume I've seen yet, and if I encounter anyone dressed like this tonight I am immediately pouring a drink on the twisted soul and running away. To my panic room. To call the police. And take a Xanax. Damn.

Like I mentioned earlier, we'll be headed out tonight to party with the pimps and hoes ghouls and goblins, so check back in a few days to see pics of my costume and read the tales of terror and mayhem. And by terror and mayhem, I mean embarrassment and vodka induced dancing. The two practically go hand in hand, don't they?

Also, be sure to check out Humorbloggers today for the First Annual Halloween Humor Carnival!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Me, some strippers and lots of vodka - Halloween 2008

So are you guys as excited as I am for Halloween?!?!?!?! HALLOWEEN! WOO!

Sigh. Whatever. I can't keep up that falsity - Halloween is annoying.

Seriously. We're actually going out this weekend, and guess who I'll be hanging with?

This girl:

Who'll tell me she's in med-school and isnt this a "cute little spin" on her Halloween costume? Later, her two best friends, Tranny Teresa and Ditzy Diane who are either DRESSED as strippers or actually are strippers (I've had a few drinks by this point) show up.
Then this guy will try to pick me up:

but luckily he'll be hypnotized by Tranny Teresa's boobs and forget about me. Being around the three should be Playboy models will get me self analytical and then I'll start drinking a lot of these:

give up all hope for flat abs and start dancing like this:

get disapointing looks from my boyfriend, go home, and pass out in my costume. I'll wake up the next morning with a killer hangover, and my boyfriend asking me what the hell was I talking about last night when I said I was going to buy the "stripperobics" DVD's and one of those collapsing dance poles?

Cant. Wait.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I'm not dead. I promise.


I have totally been neglecting my friends, family, social life and obviously, my blog. I asked to work as much as possible, and my employers seem to think I was asking to move into the restaurant - I should probably just change my address and bring a pillow up there. I have no idea whats been going on with everyone - So HEY GUYS! What the hell has everyone been up to lately? Me? Lots of double shifts and home hunting - soon, the title of my blog will actually be relevant!

While I was out slinging onion rings and margaritas, I was tagged and got a few awards!! You guys! This iss probably just ya'll's way of saying, "Hurry the fuck up and post something, damnit!" but I'll take it as a compliment, dont worry.

This lovely award was given to me by Melinda, over at Musings by Melinda Zook. How freakin' cute is her blog? If you go there now you can watch the SNL skit with Sarah Palin (ya'll, I seriously just wrote Sarah Fey...they're practically interchangeable. Sorry, Tina Fey) and the moose. I know you've seen it already, but a preggo Amy Poleher rapping and mock shooting a fake moose will never, ever get old. Go! Now!

This totally professional looking award was given to me by Petra, over at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy:

My girl Petra always has my back, and here she is to instill a little "mojo" into my blog. This award also comes with being "tagged" to write Six Things That Make You Happy, so here you go:

Six Things That Make Me Squee:
2. Spending time with my daughter.
3. Going to the cafe behind our house to eat breakfast on the patio with my boyfriend.
4. Being with my BFF drinking wine
5. Dancing my butt off in a packed club
6. Having an entire day to myself to spend at my leisure

AND I was also tagged by Sandee, at Comedy Plus to tell you guys Six Random, Bookish Things About ME. Sandee is so awesome, and funny, and her weekend feature, "The Comment Game" is surprisingly insightful while being really fun and kinda addicting. Go visit her!

The rules:
  1. Link to the person who tagged you.
  2. Post the rules on the blog.
  3. Write six random bookish things about yourself.
  4. Tag sixish people at the end of your post.
  5. Let each person know he or she has been tagged.
  6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
Okay, um, I'll do all that stuff later but for now, here we go:

1. I have been trying to read some of the (not really)"classics" since last summer. I've read "Anna Karenina" (Ehhh), A Farewell To Arms (HATED. IT.), The Stranger (Really liked it), Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (really didnt see what everyone went crazy about, and I dont even care if that makes me sound ignorant), The Fountainhead (LOVED. IT.) and am currently laboring through Atlas Shrugged.

2. I am so proud of our bookshelves. We totally need more "chick lit" (BTW, I despise that term), but otherwise we have a fairly well rounded collection of books, and there are probably over 300 of them. I refer to the section of our apartment housing the shelves as "the library".

3. I have more than once went to Barnes and Nobles to hang out and read books. I will also admit that I have finished many a book there, without paying a cent. I am so sorry, and in the event that I fall down and hit my head really hard and have a concussion then wake up a great writer and decide to publish a book, I know karma will come back and bite me on the ass.

4. Also, I really hate Barnes and Nobles, Borders, or any other retail book chain. I prefer to buy my books used, because the thought of someone having it before me, and maybe before them, etc. etc. is very endearing and also because I love the way old books look.

5. I'll basically read anything. I am never NOT reading a book. But I really only like to read one at a time, and even if I loathe it, I will finish it.

6. And possibly the most bookish thing about me? I have a freakin' shelfari account! A social media tool for BOOKS! I am a nerd and I embrace it.

OKAY! I am going back to work now. I know. I'm a slave to the serving tray. Someone host an intervention!

EDIT: UH. Can someone please tell me why the bottom portion of my blog is highlighted and how to fix it? Thanks!
EDITED AGAIN: OWWWWW Jesus! That highlighted portion is
really bright!
EDITED AGAIN: Well, I just have no idea. I'm sorry. I tried to fix it, but no luck. Blogger hates me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Blog Action Day: Poverty

This is normally a humor blog, but today I want to use my blog as a platform. October 15th is Blog Action Day, the day when thousands of bloggers will unite to discuss a single issue - poverty.

I'm a 25 year old white female from the suburbs of Houston. I was raised in a married household, went to award winning public schools, and while we weren't wealthy or even well off, we did okay and I did not ever spend a night hungry, or without clothing or basic human necessities.

Then, suddenly, my parents got divorced. My mother moved out of state. My father spent all of his time dealing with his depression and his disability, and I moved out at the age of 18.

I had no experience with anything "real life" related. I didn't know how to manage money, cook, or even do laundry. I got a job waiting tables, and my (then) boyfriend and I got an apartment. He was also a waiter, and I remember the first time we did our income taxes, we both made a combined amount of $14,000.00 and I was impressed - again, I was 18. But I vividly remember thinking, "If $14,000.00 is so much money, why are we always broke? Where is it going?", and the realization I had a few years later was that it wasn't going anywhere, we just didn't have enough money to survive.

Pride and family estrangement got in the way of asking for last minute loans from our families. We drove old, beat up cars that we could rarely afford to fix. We would drive around on bald tires, no AC in 100 degree temps, and for a while we drove an old Mitsubishi Eclipse without a radio, that had been severely rear ended. The mechanic told me our car was not fit to drive, due to the accident causing the squished back end of the car to be dangerously close to puncturing the gas tank. It was "totaled" and our only car. There are no bus lines in the suburbs, and we had no choice - we had to get to work, so we drove it anyway. Horribly embarrassing, and severely dangerous.

We both worked at restaurants, so if we didn't have enough money to eat, we knew we could go somewhere for food. However, one week the boyfriend and I got in a huge fight and he took the car. We did not have a telephone, (and having a cellphone was a luxury back then) and all we had to eat in the house was a economy sized can of fruit cocktail. Don't ask me what on earth made us buy it, but thank God we did because its all I ate for a week. It was all I had. I remember the feeling of hunger setting in, like a dull reminder that food was a necessity. I let it go for as long as I could wait, because I knew there was nothing else to eat, and I needed to make it stretch - when the boyfriend came back 6 days later, I wish I could say I walked out then and there and never looked back - but I cant. I didn't.

I've lived for weeks without electricity because we didn't have enough to pay the bill. In the winter and the summer. I never had health insurance, and now I owe nearly 10 grand in medical bills from that time. I had enough presence of mind to take good care of my teeth, thank God. I've been on Medicare AND food stamps. Technically, my fellow taxpayers paid for the birth of my baby. They've fed me. They picked me up and made sure I got the things I needed, even if it was an uphill struggle. How can I express my gratitude? I don't think I can ever get across how much it means to me, but today, I'll donate my day's wages to the Houston chapter of the End Hunger network. It is a small gesture, but it's one of the small things I can do.

That was 7 years ago. It feels like yesterday.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Yes, WaMu went kaput and AIG is burning through their two bailout checks like a wildfire, sometimes getting gas can be like a scavenger hunt, and seriously? it might be cheaper now just to go buy a fucking cow to keep on hand for milk every week.

Yes, our economy is going down faster than a tranny hooker on Charlie Sheen, but there are still some small comforts in life - low humidity days, frozen margarita's, sunsets, good books, those pink and white frosted little circus cookies, oh wait:

Mother's Cookies Crumbles

(PS: that is a seriously lazy and insincere headline line, NPR)

Well, aint that some shit. First it was Bennigan's Broccoli bites and now THIS. People of the world who run the economy machine listen up - if you do not want to induce mass panic and depression (more so than you already do, or are doing currently) please do not take away our small comforts. It's really in your best interest to ensure the cookie factories keep running - PMSing women and sugar addicts are truculent and alarmingly brutal. I understand that you might've lost $538,000.00 in stock, but we are poor and that money you lost is like our animal cookies. Except you probably have lots more money left and we have NO MORE COOKIES, ASSHOLE.

RIP Mother's cookies. I look forward to paying three times the amount for a bag of frosted deliciousness on the black market soon. Ya'll dont even want to know what I did for a case of broccoli bites - demoralizing, but totally worth it.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Ya'll are all crazy, and thats okay.

If you have google analytics, you'll know that one of the best things about checking your stats is the keywords. Honestly, that is the only reason I signed up - site meter was just lacking in the interesting keyword feature, plus I like to stalk my readers know where all you guys are reading from.

Anyway, since real life has taken a precedence this week, here are my top 5 favorite key word searches:

5. Need a fucking good knife
Is this a question? Are you trying to sell me something? WHY do you need a fucking good knife? Whats with the 'f' word? I sincerely hope you did not find what you were looking for here. Also for all you other peeps looking for a fucking good knife? Try academy first.

4. Fruit bat costume child
Okay. Have you ever seen a fruit bat? Click here if you are un-informed. What the hell? Why are you dressing your poor child as a fruit bat? The only excuse for this is if your son or daughter is in some sort of wild life play, or they just have a bizarre interest in fruit bats. Children are weird - have I mentioned my four year old child wants to be a duck? Somewhere, someone is looking at their analytics saying, "child duck girl costume" and shaking their heads.

3. Fat yarn rolls
Ohmygod, please tell me that there is not a BBW yard doll fetish. And if so, HOW did my site become associated with it? That is simultaneously awesome and terrifying.

2. Peeing in the sink
Really, people? You actually need to google "peeing in the sink"? What the hell can you be looking for that you don't already know? Instructions? Do you have a peeing in the sink fetish? Is it limited to only in the sink? Cause if so, that must be some hard material to find. I cant imagine how many "sink peeing" fetishists I disappointed. Sorry, guys.

1. What gay men do with ice cream
I am intrigued. What DO gay men do with ice cream? Are there any gay men who can answer this question for me and the one other person who googled this? Now I feel like I've been wasting all my opportunities for some good, kinky fun by simply eating my ice cream!

I also want to announce that I am now a member of one of the most prestigious, amazing kick ass blogging groups out there - humor bloggers dot com! Thank you to the darling Ettarose who asked me to join up and blog funny with the other awesome peeps who are seriously way talented and hilarious. I am in the presence of greatness! Get your asses over there now to read some of the internet's finest humor, snark, and general insanity - especially now that I'm a part of the clan.


Monday, October 6, 2008

Snip snip!

You know how there are just some words that you really don't like to use? They just make you uncomfortable and squirmy, and your brain recoils in shock and disgust at the thought of them? Two common offenders seem to be "panties" and "moist", but those dont bug me, personally (hey, a girl's gotta have her dirty talk!).

Sometimes, though, the word you hate the most is the most adequate way to describe something, and this weekend there was no getting around the word that makes me squirm: douchebag.

I hate that word. Somehow over the past few years it's come back into common conversation to usually describe a dude who looks and acts like this:

or this:

and the reason I hate the word, other than it's just gross to say, is that it somehow became appropriate to make fun of someone by calling them a feminine hygiene product. Which is kind of weird, right? I know that there are other insults pertaining to the genitalia of both sexes, but douchebag (ugh) is just a special kind of wrongness. I think we all know what it means, but if you dont, go here and educate yourselves (actually, you probably just need to click here instead, you're way too young to be reading this fuckery). Personally, I think we need to find out what the left over snippings from a vasectomy procedure are, and start using that as an insult, too. Just to even things up a bit. Gender equality, people! Its the new millennium!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Secrets from a disgruntled waitress

While I've been at work slaving away over a server tray, I got to thinking about all the people who have never worked in the food service industry. Mainly about how lucky you are if you never have, because they don't call it the Black Hole Industry for nothin'. Actually I totally made that up just now, but people HAVE said it. I need a trademark, asap.

Anyway, there are certain things that go on inside a restaurant you don't see. Certain...undesirable things. Things that would make you never, ever want to eat out again. I'm going to break the code of Servers Working for Servers to let you guys in on a couple of secrets. If you don't hear from me in a few days, assume I've been moved and placed into the folds of the Witness Protection Program, Waitress Division.

Firstly, we eat your food. French fries, veggies, popcorn shrimp, olives, spinach dip, if its small enough for you to not notice it being gone, we've eaten it. I even used to know a girl who would press her finger on the steaks and lick off the juices! We are working around yummy, delicious food constantly. We are hungry! However, we never double dip and sometimes we use our own sauces. A small consolation for you.

The kitchen staff drops food on the floor constantly. And guess what? they don't throw it away, either. They might not even wash it off. I don't know. But they toss that baby on the grill or in the fryer and "cook off the germs". Would you do that in your own home? Hell to the no. But it happens. I've seen it with my own two eyes, plenty of times. Think about that the next time you order a tuna steak.

If you order a mixed drink we've never tried, we will try it. We'll stick a straw in that baby, put our finger on the top, lean our heads back and drink from the straw. This isn't too bad, since there are no germ transfers from us waitstaff (bar staff is an entirely different story...their fingers are all up in your drink, by the way) but I've seen people do worse. This has amazing benefits, since you don't have to order a $7 chocolate martini just to taste it.

Lastly, we talk shit about you. Especially if you are rude. The number one thing you can do wrong while eating out is be rude to your server. The more you're an asshole, the more we don't care, and you will cease to get a refill and decent service. Most of the time, the owners even encourage this.
Also, if you're hot, your waiter will go brag to all the other waitstaff about the hottie he/she's waiting on and everyone will try to discreetly look at you and then crack jokes about what you would be like in bed. Seriously. Its disgusting how ruthless we are. (Edited to add: by "we" I do not specifically mean me because I am way above this kind of behavior. Now, I mean. Five years ago, not so much.)

BUT! With the bad comes the good - no one will spit in your food/drink no matter how awful you are, we are constantly washing our hands because we think germs are gross, too, and don't like handling other people's food, either, and most of the time we genuinely care about your dining experience. Unless you're a dick, then good luck getting another jack and coke, baby.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


While recovering from the Epic Drinking Binge of 2k8, going to two fruitless job interviews, working, then coming home late at night so tired and so hungry, I have become totally boring this week. Total snooze fest. Sorry guys. I got nothin'.

So good thing Petra over at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy tagged me for this meme, right?!? You saved the day, girl!

1. Where were you 10 years ago?

I was a sophomore in high school and starting drivers ed. I had a totally obsessive and unrequited crush on this guy Greg (names have been changed to protected the innocent and mortified) and by some stroke of luck we were paired together in our driving class. With all the swooning in the back seat and furtive glances in the rear view mirror back at him, its amazing I even learned to drive in the first place.

2. What's on Today's To-Do List?

I have already completed everything on my to-do list because I am a badass. Or because there were only 2 things on it. I prefer the first explanation.

3. Name Five Places You Have Lived

Houston, Tx
Katy, TX
Prosser, WA

4. Name Three of Your Bad Habits

I have a really hard time remembering to close the cabinet doors, and it usually results in the taller people in my home (JP) smacking their heads on them. I also leave my car doors unlocked constantly (but I drive a crap car so it would really be better for me if it got stolen, anyway) and I chew my cuticles when I am stressed out. Gross, huh?

5. What Are Your Favorite Snacks?

I am a trail mix addict, y'all. Once when I was pregnant I ate an entire bag in one sitting! I also like tapioca pudding cups, pickles...actually I think I'd consider anything not an entire meal a snack, so bring it on.

6. Who Will You Tag for This Meme?

Serena, over at Zip 'n' Tizzy! Go for it mama!