Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Who said crime doesn't pay?


Its no secret right now people are some broke ass mofo's - myself included. The economy is in the crapper, a gallon of milk costs more than an eyebrow wax and you cant go three feet without the shrill wail of someone bitching about gas prices piercing your eardrum.

And people are fighting back. Clipping coupons, having garage sales, blogging the recession, buying generic, becoming an egg/sperm donor, pawning your 360, etc. are just a few ways you can speak out or cope with the recession that "isn't happening".

Another option might be to get a side job.

One lady in Houston decided a teacher's salary just wasn't cutting it, so she invited "some dude" to the Four Seasons downtown for a little cash for ass. Imagine her surprise and dismay to find out she was set up by the fuzz. I mean, damn. All the girl was trying to do was make a little extra cash so she could make her damn car payment. Or buy a pair of Louboutins, maybe, I don't know. But girlfriend was obviously broke - did I mention the teacher's salary? And the recession? Far be it for me to pass judgment on a woman who makes 23,000 a year to teach screaming kids who don't appreciate what she's doing for them in the first place.

In fact, her desperation is downright inspirational. Taking a page out of her book, here are a few other ideas that might make you a few extra dollars and pull you out of your financial slump:

Administrative Assistant/Drug Pusher
You're in the office at 8am. Vanilla cubicle. Boring meetings. Mindless diet chatter. No one likes to be in that situation, and people are working for the weekend. Why not spice things up with a little chemical substance sampling? Make an established name for yourself around the office and sit back and wait. You can bet people will come shuffling around your cubicle, kicking their feet and glancing at the ceiling, muttering something about adderall tablets and spreadsheet deadlines.

Estimated extra income: $4,000.00 annually.


Real Estate Agent/Black market Goods Seller
Since foreclosure is such a threat these days and people are saving their pennies for an umbrella to use on the rainy day they were originally saving for, why not use your empty houses for a platform? Scour the internet for pilfered cartons of Marlboro's or stolen guns on the cheap, and have a private viewing and auction for said illegal goods. Be creative! Times are tough now, and you never know what a case of Charmin might fetch.

Estimated extra income: Anywhere from 5,000.00 to 5 mil.


Restaurateur/Pimp
With more and more people opting to dine in to save a little cash, you need to give them some extra incentive to come eat out at your place - if you know what I mean. Hire some pretty young waiters and waitresses and keep things going after hours. Make a menu with items like, "In-N-Out in your burger" and "Ryan's steak all up in your house" up for grabs, and watch the extra cash come flowing in.

Estimated extra income: 3 million a year, minus cost in condoms and STD testing fees.

Hot Child In The Suburbs takes no responsibilities for arrests, indictment, diseases or stabbings that may occur. I do not recommend breaking the law, and if you follow this advice please seek professional medical help and assistance.

17 comments:

feefifoto said...

There used to be a posh restaurant in our city and I would have sworn the owner was a pimp. the place was always teeming with inebriated expense-accounters and over-made-up women with hungry eyes. It seemed that he'd found a perfect formula for success.

Venus Angell said...

I'm always surprised at how often the first scenario is actually done. But I've never known an Admin to do it...usually stock boys, Tech, etc. ;P

Deb on the Rocks said...

Brilliant. I have a broke real estate "flipping" broker friend. Maybe I can propose to team up and run a Risky Business brothel this weekend. I'm in.

Petra said...

HAHA, you are hilarious! How about mommy/organ harvester? Invite unsuspecting baby sitters over to watch your kids, then drug them and steal their extra kidney! Those kidneys are worth mucho dineiro--where do I sign up?

Monique said...

damn... a teacher selling her ass. Imagine that embarrassment (had she not gotten busted) if one of her clients was a students father.

I think the real estate agent idea is the way to go though.. thats a lot of extra cash potential. lol

Leigh Anne said...

Hmmmm, this opens up a world of possibilities for me as an accountant. For once people might get their returns done on time if I just offered the right 'incentives'...
Taxes plus fallacio... Equals good times baby!
Thanks for idea... who needs child support? lol ;)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Some cash for ass. Bwahahahahahaha. You crack me up. Have a great one. :)

USELESS MAN said...

Stopped by on a little Blogger Browsing trip, and ccouldn't stop reading your posts! Great stuff.

Now I have to get back to my day job, Useless Desk Jerk/ Closet Psychiatrist.

h31n0us said...

You always need bookies too. There's some slight overhead for disposable cells phones and a leg-breaker, but the odds should defray those costs easily. I think computer tech/ bookie would work well there. You can get your scores from espn and call as soon as they lose.

Vodka Mom said...

Okay, so if I decided to pimp myself out, I would have to pay for blindfolds for the guy AND myself, LOTS of vodka for before and after medication, and i'm pretty sure I would need to cover myself from head to foot with some kind of girdle thing.

You crack me up.

Chat Blanc said...

I like the office drug pusher sideline--uppers, downers, all-rounders! the hottest corner cube in town :)

Zip n Tizzy said...

I've heard egg donation is a bit more uncomfortable than sperm donation. Damn.
Don't forget, there's always dolphin training.
Bwa-Ha-ha-ha!(Did I scare you?)

OK, Crazy said...

Hahaha. Great, great ideas. I'm doing the drug pusher one.

Sassy Mama Bear said...

Please drop by The Cafe today, there is something waiting for you.

The Hypocritical One said...

Great ideas. I'm thinking about starting a "quick-lube" out of my garage. All I'm going to do is clean the windows while the hood is up....I swear that's all they do for 40 bucks every time.

Athena said...

feefifoto - Damn! Someone already stole my idea.

venus angell - You'd be surprised to find out how many people are actually dealers on the low down!

deb - Goodluck and keep me posted!

petra - Perfect!! How innovative!

monique - yeah, less risk, more reward!

leigh anne - oh seriously...people would definitely be getting shit done around the office in half the time!!

sandee - thanks girl ;)

useless man - hey, thanks! I hope to see you back around here!

h31n0us - hey, now thats a good one. You guys are so smart!

vodka mom - no, no, no! diversity is beautiful my friend!

chat blanc - that could go on your business card!

zip 'n' tizzy - NOOOOOOOOO! Yes, I swear I just saw my life flash before my eyes at the thought of training dolphins! ;)

ok, crazy - goodluck!

sassy mama bear - woohooooo! thank you! I will be there to collect :)

the hypocritical one - good idea - go to the wal-mart quick lube for some ideas...from my experience, they have a wealth of knowledge on 20 different ways to screw you!

Adderall Prescription Information said...

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Side Effects :
loss of appetite,dry mouth,insomnia,bad crash after about 7 hours,fidgety,rapid heartbeat,more productive,if taken for months regularly I start to feel less like myself,lower sex drive.

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Amy Rollins