Monday, August 18, 2008

I am going to get so much hatemail for this

So my friend calls me last weekend and says, "Hey, I read the post about your "Six Awesomely Badass Quirks" the other day, and I cant believe you didn't include your ridiculous fear of dolphins." To which I replied, "SHUT UP! I am NOT scared of dolphins!" Cause in reality I'm a 25 year old woman going on 13.

But seriously you guys. Its not ridiculous. Dolphins are dangerous, loathsome creatures and we should all be aware of their evil and vindictive ways.

When people find out I have an aversion to these marine animals, they are usually quite baffled. People think of dolphins and images of Flipper come to mind, but there is something sinister to me lurking beneath their shiny gray exteriors and toothy smiles.

They are not cute. They are not nice. People, they are the undercover murderers and molesters of the sea. If a dolphin had thumbs, I'm pretty sure it would shank you and steal your iPhone if it had the opportunity. Supposedly, they're intelligent creatures, so they might be able to do it without thumbs, so watch your back. They are self aware creatures, too, which makes them even more dangerous. They are killing innocent mackerel left and right, relishing in the bloodshed and gore.

Whats even more sickening about dolphins is their blowhole:

(Sidenote: Never, ever google an image of "blowhole" if your safe search is not turned on. Oh. My. God.)

It is a HOLE. A nearly perfect circle on top of their head. If that doesn't give you the willies there is something wrong with you. And yeah yeah, I know its so they can breathe but every time I see a picture of one, I just want to stuff a cork in it. Excuse me if I think its pretty sick that I can look down and peer into your body. Yeah, no thanks. And I don't care what anyone says, I know humans have holes in their body but it is NOT THE SAME. Our holes are not on top of our heads.

So this summer if you're out on a yacht, swimming in the pacific or on a snorkeling excursion, and you come in contact with a dolphin DON'T PANIC. Do not make eye contact, make any sudden movements or attempt to shoot it with a harpoon. Slowly swim away, keeping the dolphin in your line of sight, until you are at least 30 feet away or back on the boat. The worst thing you could ever do is kill a dolphin. Once they're through mourning the loss of their kin, they will send out a search party for you and take you down like Chris Brown on a groupie.

Consider this your public service announcement.


Petra said...


That's all I have to say.

feefifoto said...

I guess it's safe to assume you've never done the swimming with dolphins thing at some Hawaiian resort, huh?

Christy @ said...

Oh my god. This is so funny, I peed.
I must have the "Don't Murder Dolphins" sign for something - I don't know what yet, but something will come up for which this will be perfect.
You rock.

OddRachel said...

OMG! I LOL'd. Especially the google blowhole part.

Chat Blanc said...

I gotta say, I'm freaked out by the blow hole! and I'll take your word on not doing a google search! ;)

AoE said...

I was molested by a dolphin when I was 13 :(

Thanks a lot for not writing this post 22 years ago! said...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! You looked up blow hole!!!!!


you ...

have ...

me ...

in ...



you're the best

Monique said...


Maybe you should tag along when I start my therapy.


Leigh Anne said...

LOL, that was GREAT! As I child I was attacked by a rabid-killer gerbil so I know exactly what you mean... don't be fooled by cute exteriors. Evil comes in all shapes and sizes!

Kirsten said...

I wasn't weirded out by dolphins before, but now I can't get that effed up blowhole out of my mind!

h31n0us said...

Too damn funny. I think they can use curare tipped darts with the blowhole too...

Athena said...

Petra - :D

Feefifoto -

Christy - Thanks! Print it out and start a dolphin awareness club in your neighborhood! Do it for the kids.

Oddrachel - Hah, thanks, and yeah that was pretty traumatic.

Chat blanc - Yes! Blowholes are freaky and I'm glad you concur.

Aoe - OMG seriously?? You have my sincere condolences.

Zyriana - lol, thanks girl :)

Monique - SERIOUSLY.

Leigh anne - Rabid gerbil?!! Evil little ball of fur!! Glad you survived to tell the cautionary tale :)

Kirsten - try thinking of pretty things like flowers or unicorns cause that thing will seriously haunt your dreams.

h31n0us - Whatever works!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahaha. You crack me up. Yo don't like Flipper? Bwahahahahahaha. Have a great day. :)

Jailbird said...

SPEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWing coke all over my computer screen!
You *are* going to hell for hating dolphins - you *know* that right?
Jailbird signing off to do a google search for blow hole!

The Natural State Hawg said...

Thank you for boldly stating the truth. You are right -- dolphins are evil and up to no good.

It's been documented (somewhere, I'm sure!) that Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin were all inspired by dolphins.

"There's an idea," they thought. "If dolphins can subjugate their neighbors and steal their territory, why can't we?"

I only hope that you don't get put on the dolphin hit list for speaking these truths. Good luck!

Visit the Natural State Hawg!

Vodka Mom said...

I am laughing my ass off right now. (Which, if you saw my ass, is no small feat.) thanks. whew.

Athena said...

Sandee - Flipper led a double life as a hit man, didnt you know??

Jailbird - You're a brave soul!

Hawg - lol, good to know I have an ally. If I don't post for a few days, you'll know what happened to me, so alert the authorities please!

Vodka mom - hahaha thanks girl!

adrianaxcisneros said...

My friend always says that dolphins are worse than sharks, so your fear is pretty rational.

Also, I googled blowhole and got nothing dirty, and I made sure my safe search was off! I'm not a perv or anything, I was just curious to what you may have seen.