Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Snuggled in a warm, floral embrace

Ya'll.

Suburbia ROCKS.

Kohls, Michaels, THE FREAKIN' RIDGE, Fazoli's, and the list goes on. MORE RETAIL FOR ME. SPEND SPEND SPEND. MUST BE BETTER THAN NEIGHBORS. I NEED AN AIRWICK AIR FRESHENER NOWWWWWWWWWWW.

Whoa, sorry guys. I've been here for like, 3 days and I think I've already been brainwashed, but it's cool. Did I mention Fazoli's? And Garden Ridge? I could spend hours in craft stores, then add a few bread sticks to the mix and I'm in salty, wrapping paper heaven. There is this one retail center behind my house and - I'm not joking - I could spend a whole day there.

9am - Put the kid in scary strip center daycare called Little Comforts and thank God she is resilient and has all her shots.
10am - Walk across the parking lot to Bally's, work out.
12pm - Hit up Chipotle and undue all good work I did with massive burrito bigger than my head.
1pm - Walk 4 steps next door to Starbucks for post lunch coffee.
1:30pm - Mosey across the median to Target, need laundry detergent and toilet paper.
3pm - Leave Target with said items, plus picture frame, new shirt, goldfish bowl, 16 rolls of wrapping paper, batteries, new shade of nail polish, Lysol Wipes, 3 greeting cards, a new shower curtain, 3 CDs, 2 DVDs and some breath mints.
3:30pm - Cross 1/2 mile of parking lot to make a deposit at Wells Fargo after massive shopping spree.
4:00pm - Pick child up from daycare.
4:30pm - Navigate through 20 parking spaces to The Little Gym with child to find new friends for both of us.
6pm - Leave, exhausted and frazzled after an hour and a half of listening to screeching brats and conversating with other mothers who hate you for wearing jean cut offs and flip flops to the Little Gym.
6:30pm - Walk across the massive parking lot once more and find that you conveniently parked in front of a liquor store. Debate internally whether or not it is appropriate to bring a 4 year old inside, figure no one you know will see you anyway.
6:45pm - Leave liquor store clutching brown paper sack. Cringe with horror when you see Jacqueline, one of the Alpha Moms at the Little Gym, has parked three cars down and is scowling disapprovingly at you, your bag of vodka and beat up 1996 Saturn.
6:50pm - Arrive home. Cry.

Oh well. At least I still have Garden Ridge.


10 comments:

King of New York Hacks said...

Garden Ridge and Vodka..What else is there in life , Just ask Vodkamom!!

Oh yeah , FIRST !!!

Lidian said...

Well, I could go for a vodka and tonic, since you mention vodka!

That Little Gym sounds like one would absolutely need a v&t right afterwards.

Athena said...

KONYH - SERIOUSLY! Yeah, she would know. And what is this, perezhilton.com?! ;)

Lidian - No kidding. I think its time to get cocktail hour started early!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Sweet baby. You got it all down pat. And do NOT even think for a MINUTE that that Alpha mom isn't going home and throwin back a few cosmopolitans! Fo shizz!!

Deb on the Rocks said...

You know what, Jacqueline is a bitch because her husband hates her and only married her to make his mother happy. She fakes an orgasm after 2 minutes to try to beat his 3 minute game so she can tell everyone how happy she is. Jacqueline OMG.

Heinous said...

You'll be flipping off alpha moms in no time. It's like a sport.

Matt said...

Dropping off kids at daycare to go shopping...Can we claim that on our taxes?

My wife will love this idea.

Athena said...

Petra - thank you honey bunny ;) Yeah, seriously, the Alpha Moms are probably the ones who need it the most!

Deb - Oh Deb. You always know how to put things in perspective!

Heinous - lol, 20 points for everyone of them that does gasps and covers their child's eyes!

Matt - I seriously do think you get a tax break somewhere in there!! Crazy, huh?

just a girl... said...

you are cracking me the fuck up

just a girl... said...

omg cracking me the ehll up. I have had that same feeling about the liquor store when my sone was little. thank you for this post