Monday, June 30, 2008

My ass has gotten a lot of action this weekend!

I consider myself a pretty social girl. I like going out dancing, or going to bars, karaoke, even baby showers (karaoke baby shower is totally going to be my theme if I ever have another baby!). But as I get older, I've noticed I get really edgy in large crowds. All these people, drifting around me, elbows brushing mine, stranger's hips bumping me, the light touch of a hand on my shoulder letting me know someone is behind me. I cant stand it. Really, you'd think I might get a little thrill out of all these strangers around, lightly brushing my body...but there is a reason FANTASY differs from REALITY. Ahem.

Anyway, yesterday we went to Whole Foods on a Sunday. With a three year old. What was I thinking? The place was PACKED with people stocking up on their black beans and whole grains, and all I needed was some fucking mint shampoo. And the beauty isle was like a traffic jam gone awry, baskets abandoned, people just giving up and walking around. I'm standing there in disbelief when suddenly someone rammed my ass with a basket. I turn around and this tall blonde woman is looking at me with the SMUGGEST expression on her face, like, "Yeah I just hit your flat ass with my basket, and?" So I said, "Do you think you could back up a little bit?" and she replied, "I think you should get out of my way, actually."

OH HELLLLZ NO.

I looked her square in the eye and I said, "I think you should take your bleach blonde, 2004 gucchi wearing ass out of my FACE and step off, bitch." Well, not really. You know how you lay in bed and think about all the things you should have said? Yeah. In reality, I told her she didn't have to be so rude and would produce better results by asking more politely. And I didn't move. She got huffy and I got my mint shampoo. The latter probably set a better example for my daughter, but the inner badass rolled her eyes at my mature remark.

This is why Whole Foods should ditch the Jamba Juice and start serving up liquor.

5 comments:

ettarose said...

Oh shit! For a minute I thought that was me shoving the cart in your ass. But you said this blonde was tall. I am short and I only shove carts in people's heels when they leave the empty ones in front of me in the check out line. LOL. I realize you had your three year old,but I have to say you should have shoved that basket right back at her. Hard to walk backward when you are being shoved by a grocery cart.

Da Old Man said...

I won't go into Whole Foods on a weekend without packing heat. Those ex-hippies and wannabes get rude when you mess with their sprouts.

Grumpus. said...

My passive-aggressive blood got all boiling at this anecdote!!! Ironically the most oblivious people I met are usually also "socially conscious." As in, "I only drink fair trade coffee and my nailpolish must be vegan. Get in my face and I'll eat your liver."

(Disclaimer to sweeping generalization: I'm a vegan but I'm not a social fuckface [normally]).

Mark said...

You'll be pleased to know that when Google spiders this post you'll be the only search result for "rammed my ass with a basket".

Athena said...

I feel kind of bad for getting the hopes up of people with a "basket ass ramming" fetish. That kind of material must be hard to find.