Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tankinis are dangerous

So I went to a German themed water park last weekend and got my bathing suit bottoms ripped off.

No, not stolen, literally ripped off my body.




I was in The Torrent, which is basically a lazy river with a wave machine. If you've ever been in a wave pool, you know that the water is sucked back through a grate, and then pushed out over and over again to create waves. In this particular "lazy river" the grate is on the side of a river "wall", where people will crowd around to try to "catch a wave".

If the over-use of quotations didn't clue you in right away, I'm pretty bitter about this.

I'm swimming by, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the current sucked me into the throng of people eagerly awaiting the oncoming wave. I'm trying to get the hell out of the way, when I realize the tie on my bathing suit bottom has been sucked into the grate. The tie conveniently has a large brown wooden bead attached to the end of it, making a perfect hook. The current is sweeping me away, I'm holding on to my bottoms for dear life, when I'm suddenly released, sans the lower half of my bathing suit.

So here I am, naked from the waist down, floating in a public water park, in front of a few hundred strangers. I'd been separated from the people I was with, and didn't want to actually swim anywhere, since my naked ass would be on display for all to see. And remember the aforementioned waves? I just let them wash over my head, again and again, risking drowning instead of jumping up above as they approached, which would definitely expose my derriere. I had to make three laps around that fucking "river" before I found JP. And as far as I could tell, no one noticed, although I did get a few odd glances when I had to come out with a shirt wrapped around my waist.

Not only did I possibly traumatize children and lifeguards everywhere, but more importantly, I have to go buy bathing suit bottoms AGAIN for the FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR. And those bitches aren't cheap.

16 comments:

Sassy Mama Bear said...

I don't want to laugh, truly I don't but I can sympathize...thus I no longer buy a 2 piece suit, even though I hate the way a one piece looks, I deal.

Descartes said...

This is a very funny story, I love the whole death before embarrassment bit. Of course, now I am slightly curious as how you lost the other three bathing suit bottoms.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Yikes, what a story. I would have been mortified. You survived and that's the good part. Try to have a great rest of your vacation. :)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
√ėyvind said...

Omg what an experience! That is my nightmare.

EGE said...

I was going to say the same thing as Descartes: Why are you on #5?

DineometerDeb said...

That sounds like a recurring nightmare that I have.

Interesting story. It seems we will all look forward to hearing what happened to the others.

Rachel said...

I shouldn't laugh but I am. I would have freaked the hell out myself though.

ettarose said...

That is one of my re-occurring dreams. Honestly to be caught with no pants! I wonder how many other bottoms are down there waving around under water? Like trophies eh?

GorillaSushi said...

It might be time to give in and get that wetsuit. Nobody loses a whole wetsuit (except when sharks attack).

Monique said...

...

ok I can't help it.

ROFL.

Girl, I think I would have turned into a raisin because most certainly I would not have gotten out of the water.

Athena said...

The first pair of bottoms got shredded when I put on my studded jeans inside out and the studs on the back pockets shredded them (and my butt).

The second pair got bleached.

And the third pair got left in hotel room.

This will be the fourth time this year I have to go buy new ones :(

Thanks for the sympathy guys :)

Zip n Tizzy said...

So, I'm so sorry that this happened to you, but I can't stop laughing!
We have summer passes to our local water park, and have been going nearly every weekend, and I can see exactly how this could happen.
I would have been so mortified!
I applaud you for writing about it, and I'm sorry for the loss of your suit, because yes, they are damn expensive!

momjeansblogger said...

That's a really funny story! (since it didn't happen to me!)

Azure Islands Designs said...

Oh my goodness...you have my sympathies...really...I would have been so completely embarrassed...
I think if it was me I would wear a one piece at the water parks...just a suggestion!!! :0) lol

Cheers

Jailbird said...

ohhhhhhhhhhhh you poor thing but have to confess I did laugh (just a little) - I would be mortified!