Wednesday, June 25, 2008

You down with WOPHLL?

So, as you know soon we'll be moving out of the city and into the burbs.
Depressing, but necessary. Instead of hiring a locater like any other normal and sane family, I am determined to find our new place myself. Not that I'm a control freak, I just like the idea of being a real estate agent. I briefly entertained the thought for a while, until I started watching HGTV and realizing what a bitch it would be to drag the un-educated, condescending assholes around and endure the demands they placed upon me. It would be very hard for me to resist a good bitch slapping. This is also why I cant be a teacher. Bitch slapping my students would definitely land me in jail, and jail is a place I do not want to be. People, they make you drink out of water fountains attatched to the back of TOILETS.
Dont ask me how I know.

So, aiding me in the search for a new (rented) home is the website for the Houston Associaton of Realtors, aka They have a good search engine thingy that lets you choose the area, property type, price, if you want a tennis court, pool, even sprinklers! Unfortunately, the listings dont change that often, and recently I've found myself looking at extravagantly ridiculous homes. The price listing goes up to 10 MILLION DOLLARS. What would you do if you had 10 million dollars to blow on a home? And furthermore, would you be posting it on a website? Hell no, that shit would be on appointment only, pay by the hour home tour basis. Pimp your home! Damn, now thats a million dollar real estate idea right there.

Since I'm one of those people that's kind of obsessed with WOPHLL (what other people's homes look like) this is pretty sweet. Especially since I'll never know anyone with a 10 million dollar house that I can look inside of. Yet sadly, most of them are pretty ugly on the inside. Look at this one:

Stuffy, much? Like sitting inside of a hotel room lobby. Do you think anyone has ever sat in those chairs? Those things probably cost 10K apeice.
I do like the chandeliers, I think. Or atleast the color of them, and they look easy to swing around from.

And look at this bedroom:
This is where Laura Ashely came to die, unfortunately. That wallpaper is ATROCIOUS. The frilly valance thingy on the top of the bed is sickeningly sweet, along with that painting above the (awesome) fireplace. Actually, I wouldn't mind having an exact replica of this bedroom in my house to be honest with you. It would be the Punishment Room, where I will send Calista in her teen years for skipping curfew, being promiscuous or underage drinking.

Now this is what I'm talking about right here. I'd set up a few tables, maybe stick a LCD somewhere and rock this room out. How much fun would it be to host a Mary Kay Party in a WINE CELLER! This is perfect, since you can get your clients drunk and make them buy more microdermabraison kits or something. Not that I sell Mary Kay products, but I know a bunch of ladies that do and I'd demand a 12% cut for renting out my wine cellar.

Unfortunately, all of this voyeuristic looking at millionaire's home shit just reminds me that I can not afford a 1,000 sq foot wine room, glass pool, 10 bedroom hacienda in Montego Bay, but something more along the lines of this:


Grumpus. said...

These rich homes are depressing!

For 10 million, wouldn't you totally want waterslides at least? Not "the Sims" outtakes like this stuff.

Actually, that last house looks awesome!! I'd just paint her up, put in a big garden (roses, beans, peonies, mint for rum drinks) and I'd jump off that dock every damn day. Life would finally be great.

Athena said...

NO KIDDING! I would want water slides in my house!

That house is selling for $80,000! It could be your summer home in Texas ;)