Maybe Cosmo can use the the large hadron collider to go back in time?

I am in a pissy damn mood today and it wasn't made any better by reading this shitty, offensive article titled, "What Makes Men Fall In Love" by Cosmopolitan .

Now right, I know, Cosmo isnt exactly the Associated Press and its material is definitely lacking, but the magazine has been around for 112 years, is printed in 34 different languages and is distributed to over 100 countries, so there is no doubt this crap is being read.

If you're too lazy to click the link, the article goes through the "4 primal desires" of men that you might not know could be fucking up your relationship! I know, I had no idea either. See below:

The Desire: To Protect:
Summary: Give him a job (no, not that kind of job although I'm actually kinda surprised they didn't suggest this). Make him feel "useful" around the house. Wear soft materials to heighten his amorous instincts. Wear his clothes so he'll know you've chosen him over the other guys.

Sooooo...we're just humoring the men now? And what if you cant fit in his clothes? Will a hat suffice?

The desire: Freedom:
Summary: Blow him off once in a while (no, not THAT kind of blow...are you loving all the oral sex euphemisms?) Tell him if you're nervous about committing because it will put aside his fears that you are not a, quote, "baby-hungry-ring-hunter". Little changes in your appearance (like changing your hair) remind him that your have millions of facets to your personality.

I definitely think my hair reflects the complexity of my mind, so that's good.

The desire: To shine
Summary: Keep it light, let him take the credit for making new friends, and playing and being good at mental games like Scrabble or chess shows him you're a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.

Fuck. I am so not watching Jeopardy! with JP anymore.

The desire: To comfort
Summary: Let him watch you primp - but only cutesy stuff like powder and lipstick, not icky stuff like tweezing your eyebrows. Food, or course, feed him. And if you know he's not a murderer, fall asleep on him so he'll see you in your most trusting, completely relaxed state.

Uh..so are you telling me I shouldn't be flossing my teeth in front of JP?

So in total, Cosmo thinks we should just be treating our husbands and boyfriends like simple creatures who like soft things, food and chess. Gotcha. Well, Athena thinks we should be teaching our young women is that men are different like you and I are different, but we are all EQUAL. We should be teaching them to demand equality in the home and workplace, to be compassionate but not a doormat, and to follow their passions, not try to dumb them down or give them up completely for your significant others. It is just ridiculous that we, as women, have come so far and this ignorant, misinformed bullshit just keeps getting out. Its really such a shame, and whats even worse is the magazine is obviously is read by millions of teenagers across America, filling their youthful little minds with a load of shit that they're hopefully too smart to believe...or at the very least, too high to retain.