Tankinis are dangerous

So I went to a German themed water park last weekend and got my bathing suit bottoms ripped off.

No, not stolen, literally ripped off my body.




I was in The Torrent, which is basically a lazy river with a wave machine. If you've ever been in a wave pool, you know that the water is sucked back through a grate, and then pushed out over and over again to create waves. In this particular "lazy river" the grate is on the side of a river "wall", where people will crowd around to try to "catch a wave".

If the over-use of quotations didn't clue you in right away, I'm pretty bitter about this.

I'm swimming by, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the current sucked me into the throng of people eagerly awaiting the oncoming wave. I'm trying to get the hell out of the way, when I realize the tie on my bathing suit bottom has been sucked into the grate. The tie conveniently has a large brown wooden bead attached to the end of it, making a perfect hook. The current is sweeping me away, I'm holding on to my bottoms for dear life, when I'm suddenly released, sans the lower half of my bathing suit.

So here I am, naked from the waist down, floating in a public water park, in front of a few hundred strangers. I'd been separated from the people I was with, and didn't want to actually swim anywhere, since my naked ass would be on display for all to see. And remember the aforementioned waves? I just let them wash over my head, again and again, risking drowning instead of jumping up above as they approached, which would definitely expose my derriere. I had to make three laps around that fucking "river" before I found JP. And as far as I could tell, no one noticed, although I did get a few odd glances when I had to come out with a shirt wrapped around my waist.

Not only did I possibly traumatize children and lifeguards everywhere, but more importantly, I have to go buy bathing suit bottoms AGAIN for the FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR. And those bitches aren't cheap.

FYI

Just to let everyone know, I'll be on vacation this week! Hopefully I'll still be able to drop and read, but posting will be pretty light.

Have a great weekend and week, guys!!

Ice cream or sex? You decide.

So I guess Klondike has decided their target demographic is douchebags and morons, cause these new line of commercials certainly speak their language.

You've seen these commercials, right? One shows a man sitting at a table with his wife, having a coffee or something, when a thin, blonde girl on her cellphone walks past. The wife looks up, but the husband keeps his eyes on his wife, and the commercial announcer says something like, "Dave McHorndog kept his eyes on his wife. Give this man a Klondike bar." Yes, Dave. The people at Klondike have decided you really deserve something for being a good and respectful husband, and it's.....ICE CREAM!

The second commercial shows a wife unloading groceries, while her husband sits at the table twiddling his thumbs, or something. The wife is going on an on about someone she saw at the grocery store, yadda yadda, and she asks him a question, to which (wait for it).........he responds to. The announcer comes on and says, "Dan Theairhead listened to his wife's story. Give this man a Klondike bar." Wow, really? Isnt that what people in normal, healthy relationships do?

Not only are these commercials a bit misogynistic, it's depicting men as vapid, simple, uncontrollably horny, and riddled with ADD. Which women don't want, and I really cant see men getting on board with that image, either. Are there a bunch of crazy scorned women and/or gay men working in marketing for Klondike looking for revenge? Did someone slip a roofie to the person who was supposed to approve these?


A google search lead me to the press release put out for the new commercials. Here are just a few of the quotes:
..."Now, the “What would you do for a Klondike® Bar?” question is back in a series of new TV spots that capture those moments during everyday life when a spouse or significant other does something so unexpected there’s simply only one response – offer them a Klondike Bar!"
Or a bitch slap, whatever.

"The new Klondike ads capture the moments when people - particularly men - do something out of-the-ordinary to the surprise of their significant others. In one commercial a man puts his empty glass in the dishwasher (1) rather than leaving it on the counter – prompting an astonished reaction from his wife. In another, a man shows surprising (2) self control as he keeps his eyes focused on his wife while a beautiful (3) woman slowly strolls by. One of the five ads portrays a wife as she keeps her “true”thoughts about her in-laws to herself. (4)
1. NO WAY. I DONT BELIEVE IT.
2. Surprising? I guess I should be expecting my SO to do a full head swivel when a pretty lady walks past.
3. The Klondike people really need to re-define their idea of beautiful, I'm afraid.
4. Never seen this one, but I guess we're not allowed to let our husbands/wives know how much their Uncle Dan pisses us off now.

Okay, so I realize I'm taking an ice cream commercial a little too seriously. But I think its a bit silly that the Klondike people are putting out ads that perpetuate the idea that a man (and woman in that one instance) deserves a treat for acting like a decent human being or spouse. I know plenty of men who would think so, too. They deserve far much more than a Klondike bar...more like some good, good lovin and a beer. I'd take that any day over a 330 calorie ice cream bar, wouldn't you?

How to look like a self absorbed asshole

A few days ago, my boyfriend's copy of Wired magazine arrived in the mail, The How To Issue, to be exact, and right there on the cover next to a picture of Julia Allison's killer gams was the headline, "Get Internet Famous". Uhh...I've never heard of this chick before, but sure, I'll read it.

Summary of article: Julia Allison dated some Gawker people, then some IT dudes, blogged about every last detail, is/was mean, held a dance party in Manhattan and took lots of pictures with famous people? She's like the Paris Hilton for quasi-intellectuals, I suppose.

Anyway, the article got me thinking about blogging and my own experience. Even though I'm too lazy to use apostrophes correctly and I disregard style, I'm not new to writing. Before being betrayed by countless people (and thats a story for another time, folks) I kept paper journals for about 12 years. Before blogs were invented, I had an online diary back in the day (Gurl.com, Chickclick.com and Geocities.com - oh, the memories) complete with grrlgoddess webrings and guestbooks. And while at times I'm completely self-delusional, achieving fame due to my blog is laughable to me.

Just for kicks, here are some of Wired magazine's and Julia Allison's tips to becoming "Internet Famous", and their applications in my own life.

It's not who you know, its who you're next to
Hmm. Well, I wasnt invited couldn't attend the Blogher conference, so I missed my opportunity to be photographed next to Dooce or Maggie Mason. However, I'll be at the circus tonight, so maybe I'll try to get my picture snapped with Bello. Actually quite fitting for this blog, don't you think?

Dress against type
Well, since I've been broke as hell this year and haven't been able to update my wardrobe, I think I'm officially dressing against type. It hasn't got me any recognition other than sneers from the girls at Macy's when I go in occasionally to window shop. But if old Jules taught me anything, negative attention is good attention!

Embrace enigma
Merriam-Webster defines enigma as:
1 : an obscure speech or writing
2 : something hard to understand or explain
3 : an inscrutable or mysterious person

Well my blog does a good job of being obscure, is quite hard to understand at times and I wouldn't call myself mysterious, but I'm no Brangelina, either. I think I'm doing a good job at embracing the enigma so far.

Let your minion's fight your battles
Now I need some minions. How does one get minions, anyway? Google was no help, and Minions.com was a bust. Perhaps I'll put an add out in Craigslist?

Confessions of a Life Slut

Have you ever played the drinking game, "I Never", or "Never Have I Ever"? Basically you start with 10 fingers up, and you state something you have never done, like bungee jumping or anal sex. The people who have done this, have to do a shot and subtract a finger. The game ends when someone ends up with all ten fingers down. Or pukes from taking 10 shots of Cuervo, whichever comes first.


I dont play drinking games anymore, but when I did, I ALWAYS lost I Never. Without fail. Because my motto in life is, "I'll try anything once". I have no qualms about eating blowfish. Dancing on a bar. Diving headfirst into a vat full of jello - which I seriously want to do once before I die, maybe upon death cause I might die by suffocating in raspberry jello. The two things I wont do are skydive and bungee jump because I jumped off a 30 foot high dive once (see what I mean?) and that was enough free falling for one life time, thanks.

And sometimes it makes me feel like a Life Slut. I've experienced so many different things at a relatively young age, I feel kind of guilty. While other people were in college, I was out collecting experiences like they were the box tops of life. Some of them are good (Good Citizen awards, rescuing a man who fell off a bridge, saving someone's life) and some are cringe inducing (held up at gunpoint, sneaking into the mall to do it on the ice skating rink (lol), getting caught shoplifting) but they are MINE and they've made me who I am today, and even though I was caught by the police having sex in a car, I embrace the naughty, the debauch and shine a positive light on it: I HAD FUN, bitches.

Doodle Week x2

Today's doodle theme is Pet.

Mine is a liiiitle NSFW. And while most of us don't work on a Saturday, some of us have kids who like to stand over our shoulder shouting MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY when all we're trying to do is take 10 SECONDS OUT OF OUR LIVES TO CHECK OUR EMAIL, DAMNIT!!!!!!11!1

And we don't want to permanently scar our children, now do we?

Of course not.

Intrigued? Scared? Bored? Clickity click to see my doodle of a "pet". ;)

Doodle Week

Heard of Doodle Week? I'm jumping on the bandwagon a little late, but its hard for me to pass up a good doodle. This weeks theme is Evil, and you'll see my representation of said theme below. Click for bigger image!

Have a great weekend, everyone!