I probably knocked 5 years off my journey to Alzheimer's, too

Since I spent the majority of the day yesterday breathing in aluminum paint fumes, sitting in a house with the a/c turned off to combat the ventilation of said fumes, and then sleeping all night long without the cool caress of the air conditioner on my hot, sweaty skin, I am a little fucking cranky today.



Understandably.

I also think the paint fumes might have melted my brain a little bit...this morning, I'm in the kitchen, making cinnamon toast for my daughter. Toast, butter, cinnamon, sugar, check. I gave her the plate, and went back in the kitchen to start making coffee. Three seconds later, she comes running into the kitchen, with a look on her face like she just swallowed a fly. A fly covered in dog poop that just came out of a moldy, rotten apple.
"What? What is it?" I demanded, all freaked out, and she opened her mouth and a wad of half chewed bread tumbled out and plopped on the floor. Sick, I know. "What on earth is wrong?" I asked again, and she wailed, "It tastes NAAAAAAAAAASTY". Since cinnamon toast is usually only a weekend treat, I knew she wasn't being a freak about food like normal, and I took a closer look at the ingredients. Bread is fine, no mold. Butter, fine. Cumin, fine. OH. Oops.

I gave my daughter cumin sugar toast this morning. Awesome.

So I'm taking things a little easy today. No hard labor. No strenuous activity. Its obviously going to be "one of those days", and I don't need any more of this mental trickery after such a stressful day yesterday. A little deserved R&R, and I think a little pool side lounging and retail therapy with the kiddo should do the trick.

ANOTHER award!!!!!!

Well would you look at this:


ANOTHER AWARD!!!!!!!!!! Thank you SO MUCH Dirty Laundry Diva! If you aren't reading her blog, God is not going to let you in to heaven when the time comes. So get over there and earn some angel points! I am so flattered to receive this award...I was nominated because she feels I am, to quote, "impacting the blogospere and contributing in a great way." Thats right, people. I'm a freaking blog philanthropist!!!!!!

This award comes with rules, and you all know how much I LOVE rules!

The rules for the AmyOops award are:

1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to.
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Oops” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award. http://www.amyoops.com.

Zip 'n' Tizzy
Named after her 2 boys, "Zip" and "Tizzy", her honest, comfortable writing is what keeps me coming back. Plus she's hilarious. And shameless - a characteristic I really love in a fellow blogger.

EttaRose over at Edge Of Sanity
Are you in desperate need of a redneck love poem for your sweetie? Look no further. She knows how fuse funny, seriousness and good old fashion ranting seamlessly together which is hard to do, and she pulls it off flawlessly. Her post about people who eat while they grocery shop also makes her a real life hero!

Dirty Shanks
If you are crafty and have a good sense of humor, go here now! She makes hilarious home-made cards and I love all of her work, especially this one, this one, and I'd like to recommend sending this one to your newly pregnant friend. Also has an etsy shop!


And GUESS WHAT?! I'm breaking the rules and only nominating three people! I am sitting inside a fume-y house (see Twitter side bar) and I think my brain officially stopped working. So THANKYOU SO MUCH for the award, Dirty Laundry Diva! Congratulations, ladies! Love your blogs!

The Olympics are sexy

So was it like, "All Beijing Olympics, All The Time" central at your house like it was at ours this weekend?




In the past, I've really had no interest in the Olympics. Not for political reasons, or environmental reasons, or because I think The Olympics is exploiting underage girls, mainly just because I've either been preoccupied or had better stuff to do:

1984: 2 years old, wanted to watch Mr. Rogers Neighborhood instead.
1988: 6 years old, wanted to play with My Little Ponies instead.
1992: 10 years old, was busy practicing my Madonna stage routines in my bedroom.
1996: 14 years old, only interested in getting my period, watching MTV, and 3-way calling my friends.
2000: 18 years old, how do you watch TV while you spend all your time dancing and drinking in clubs?
2004: 22 years old, was busy freaking the hell out about being pregnant and impending child birth.

So now that I'm a little older, wiser, and lead a tame, vanilla life as a stay at home mom mature, more fulfilling life, I have more free time to pursue other intelligent interests.

Oh who am I kidding, my boyfriend wanted to watch it and I became hooked.

To be honest though, I wasn't really feeling it, until the swimming events:


and then I realized, "Why, I have been missing out on some riveting stuff! I think I will watch this!"

(Men and woman's beach volleyball, swimming, tennis, fencing, mens water polo and woman's synchronized swimming are among my other interests. Modern Pentathlon was momentarily on the list, too, until I figured out it said pentathlon NOT penetration. Damnit. )

There are 13 more days of Olympic stimulation, people. SET. YOUR. TIVO. You probably don't want to miss beach volleyball tonight, do you? Ladies in bikinis! Men in...what do the men wear? Oh. Too many clothes. Whatever. Still men playing volleyball which I find kinda hot for some reason. Maybe because its mainly portrayed as a woman's sport? Disrupting gender stereotypes gets me all riled up, really...what they NEED to do is make a men's synchronized swimming...mmmm....

Oh, you still here? I CANT BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THE OLYMPICS!!!! Go! Go!

A punching bag would probably be a good investment

Let me ask you a strictly hypothetical question for entertainment purposes only:
If you could just straight punch anyone in the world, who would it be and why?

For me, without a doubt, it would be my ex. My daughter's father. The baby daddy.


I am an easy going, fun, relaxed, non-condoning of violence in any way kind of person. I am pretty much the easiest person to get along with in the whole entire world, really. But for some reason, it is impossible for the ex and I to have a calm, rational conversation. It isn't for lack of trying, believe me. Our conversations usually go something along the lines of this:

Me: Hey, I was wondering if you could bring Callie back home 30 minutes earlier today.
Him: I NEED A BAG.
Me: I'm sorry?
Him: I SAID I need a bag. THE PAPERS SAY YOU HAVE TO PACK A BAG SO YOU HAVE TO DO IT. I NEED CLOTHES.
Me: What does that have to do with bringing her home 30 minutes earlier?
Him: BAG.

Its like talking to a brick wall. Nothing gets through. You say one thing, it doesn't matter, he comes back with something completely different. Someone PLEASE tell me you know what I'm talking about, or you've gone through this, or you even KNOW someone who is going through this because OHMYGOD I am having homicidal urges and I need someone to relate to before I go off the deep end.

So tell me who's pissing you off right now. Do you also have a baby daddy problem? Baby mama? Your lover wont stop leaving the seat up so you keep falling in the toilet in the middle of the night when you get up to go pee? Neighbor wont stop blasting Linkin Park? Who do you know who deserves a good punch in the grill? HYPOTHETICALLY, of course. Believe me, I know its tempting but violence is (almost) never the answer.

I GOT AN AWARD OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look what I got!! Look at it!!!!!!!


This is my VERY FIRST AWARD EVER and I am just ridiculously, over the top excited about it. Look at that beautiful prism of greatness!! Doesn't it just speak to you? Doesn't it make you feel empowered?!?! It says, "I am a prism! I represent all that is awesome!"!!!! I just want to snuggle with it and stroke it's pointy little head. I am so humbled that Amy over at AmyOops decided to bestow this amazing award to me. And look, it even comes with rules!!! I always wanted to implement rules! This rocks! I AM empowered!!!!!

Very Important Rules That Shall Be Followed Or I Will Hunt You Down And Rip You Of Your Title Forever Causing You Great Shame And Humiliation
l. The award may be displayed on a winner’s blog.
2. Add a link to the person who you received the award from.
3. Nominate up to seven other blogs.
4. Then add their links to your blog.
5. Add a message to each person that you have passed the award on to in the comments section of their blog.

Whew, what a rush. Here are my nominees:

Kirsten aka Reverend Doctor Kirsten Valentine over at The Soccer Mom Files
She's been getting awards left and right these days, and that's cause she's a pimp. Oh yeah and she's funny and blogs about important and relevant topics (to me) like skymall, the voodoo knife rack and martinis.

Monique at Blogging More
This girl is a funny, well written, sassy little fellow Texan and I like it. I first felt connected to Monique when she posted about her love of shoes, and we share the common bad habit of calling out your mom.

Grumpus at When Things Get Dark
Ya'll, they don't call her Grumpus for nothing. Her sarcastic writing makes me feel at home, and her recent post on Nightingale Poop Facials had me cracking up. And intrigued. And - yes - googling where I can get one. I'm a sucker for the latest trends, what can I say.

Ege at The House and I
Smart writing AND humor for when you need some intellectual stimulation. Apparently she loves bacon just as much as I do, and who doesn't love a good rousing game of "Would You Rather" (apparently called Zobmondo?), featured every Wednesday on her blog.

Deb at Deb on the Rocks
If you aren't reading Deb, you are missing out on the good shit. Her post on surviving the summer got me laid AND kept me cool - who doesn't want to learn those tricks? And you gotta give respect to anyone who can fake an orgasm with 1,000 women and look good doing it, too.


Congratulations, ladies. Treat the prism with love and respect, and it will do the same for you. See how wise this award has made me??!??! I rule!

Athena vs. Edouard

Oh, damn it.

You do not want to see any type of storm thingy when you are a stay at home mom. Cause rain = child gets bored, cranky, doesn't want to play with anything besides things they can not play with, throws fits, accidentally breaks the dishwasher, and mom starts drinking as soon as other responsible parent gets home, and ends up drunk in bed at 6pm.

Just generally not good for the family morale.

To combat Ornery Child Syndrome you have to have a rigid POA (Plan Of Attack - learned this from Design Star), with activities planned for every minute. Snack time, nap time, TV time (so Mommy can have 30 minutes of peace with her In Style Magazine, damnit) and have supplies at the ready: glue, glitter, popsicle sticks, googly eyes, cardboard, child safety scissors, paint, brushes, paper, paper sacks, old socks, those garbage bag twisty ties, anything at all, really, that can be molded, painted, cut, glued or shellacked. Apparently to my daughter this includes house hold appliances and clothing. Her artistic vision is something else.

You may argue that you can take the child out of the house during a storm. This might be true, however, I have been scared senseless with even the lightest smattering of rain by local weather forecasters who have warned of imminent death approaching, even if I so much as open my front door. After Hurricane Katrina, all the weather forecasters went into a frothy mouthed downward spiral, using fear tactics, threats, and physical bodily harm to keep viewers at home on their couches, frozen in terror, tuned in to their weather report to find out if the Armageddon was coming their way.


Most of the forecasters from back in the "day" have retired and been replaced with sensible, vanilla weatherpeeps, but they still warn of combating destruction with preparedness. So I've equipped myself with the essentials: Flashlight, batteries, small flotation devices (floaties, noodles, boogie board), arts and crafts box, and copious amounts of red wine. So BRING IT, tropical storm Edouard. We'll see who the true fighter is.

Front, back and side to side

This weekend, the kiddo went to grandma's house, the fourth member of the family went back home, and things hit the "standstill" we'd been talking about all month. We were all alone for the first time in 30 days, and damnit, we weren't going to waste the opportunity, if you know what I'm talking about.

NO, not that. Jeeze, you think I could go 30 days? I can barely go three days, but we'll save that story for another time.

No, folks, we had ourselves a little partay. A 2 person partay, but a partay none the less.

(And yes, there is a difference between a party and a par-tay (#1, section 2).

Here are my three must-haves for a successful party:

+

+

Thats right. Cheap wine, nerdy board games and hardcore gangster rap. If you substitute the red wine with OE and the scrabble for dominoes, you'll experience my life from 19-21, but I'm a GROWN UP now, and I needed an upgrade (In my 30's, I'm looking forward to Alize and Yahtzee).

Today I'm nursing my hangover and preparing for the first week where I'll have nothing to do.
Besides entertain and keep up with a three year old, of course.