I consider myself a pretty social girl. I like going out dancing, or going to bars, karaoke, even baby showers (karaoke baby shower is totally going to be my theme if I ever have another baby!). But as I get older, I've noticed I get really edgy in large crowds. All these people, drifting around me, elbows brushing mine, stranger's hips bumping me, the light touch of a hand on my shoulder letting me know someone is behind me. I cant stand it. Really, you'd think I might get a little thrill out of all these strangers around, lightly brushing my body...but there is a reason FANTASY differs from REALITY. Ahem.
Anyway, yesterday we went to Whole Foods on a Sunday. With a three year old. What was I thinking? The place was PACKED with people stocking up on their black beans and whole grains, and all I needed was some fucking mint shampoo. And the beauty isle was like a traffic jam gone awry, baskets abandoned, people just giving up and walking around. I'm standing there in disbelief when suddenly someone rammed my ass with a basket. I turn around and this tall blonde woman is looking at me with the SMUGGEST expression on her face, like, "Yeah I just hit your flat ass with my basket, and?" So I said, "Do you think you could back up a little bit?" and she replied, "I think you should get out of my way, actually."
OH HELLLLZ NO.
I looked her square in the eye and I said, "I think you should take your bleach blonde, 2004 gucchi wearing ass out of my FACE and step off, bitch." Well, not really. You know how you lay in bed and think about all the things you should have said? Yeah. In reality, I told her she didn't have to be so rude and would produce better results by asking more politely. And I didn't move. She got huffy and I got my mint shampoo. The latter probably set a better example for my daughter, but the inner badass rolled her eyes at my mature remark.
This is why Whole Foods should ditch the Jamba Juice and start serving up liquor.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Its cold out there for a Mom
Guess where I've been all day? I'll give you three hints:
The ladies wear short skirts
There is lots of shouting of encouragement, cheers, general hoopla and such
Sharp blades are involved
No, not some sick fetish strip club, you dirty minded sickos, but ice skating. More importantly, ice skating with my three year old. I enrolled her in lessons a few weeks ago after she started gliding around in her socks on the laminate floor. I'm serious! By doing that, she could be acting out her natural ability and talent, right? The baby books told me so! Besides, I'm always looking for every available avenue for Calista to learn a talentso she can support me in my twilight years.
Unfortunately, I think she's inherited her fathers laziness. She isn't bad, she doesn't fall, but she wont move. Once she found out she couldn't get out there and just sail away, arms outstretched and one leg in the air, she didn't want anything to do with it. So every Saturday after class, I get out there with her and we go around the rink a few times. Or, I go around the rink
a few times while she wedges herself between my legs, screaming, and I drag her around with me. Today I was pretty fed up with this and pried her vice like little hands off of my legs and skated a few feet in front of her. "See how easy this is?" I singsonged, skating backwards, trying to encourage her to come forward to me. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, as she was moving forward and I was gliding along, backwards no less, entertaining ideas of becoming a (geriatric?) figure skater until all of a sudden - WHAM! I skated back right into the wall, feet flew out from under me (I seriously saw them in front of my face) and I landed straight on my ass. Dazed for a few seconds, I suddenly realized my own child was laughing at me! "You fell on your BUTT!" She cried gleefully. Then I looked over and noticed the little 8 year olds doing double axles in the center of the ice were pointing and laughing!!!! Bitches. Calista came over, and I let her clutch the insides of my thighs while I skated back to the exit. No one was hurt and fortunately the only thing I bruised was my ego. Bah dum bum!
The ladies wear short skirts
There is lots of shouting of encouragement, cheers, general hoopla and such
Sharp blades are involved
No, not some sick fetish strip club, you dirty minded sickos, but ice skating. More importantly, ice skating with my three year old. I enrolled her in lessons a few weeks ago after she started gliding around in her socks on the laminate floor. I'm serious! By doing that, she could be acting out her natural ability and talent, right? The baby books told me so! Besides, I'm always looking for every available avenue for Calista to learn a talent
Unfortunately, I think she's inherited her fathers laziness. She isn't bad, she doesn't fall, but she wont move. Once she found out she couldn't get out there and just sail away, arms outstretched and one leg in the air, she didn't want anything to do with it. So every Saturday after class, I get out there with her and we go around the rink a few times. Or, I go around the rink
a few times while she wedges herself between my legs, screaming, and I drag her around with me. Today I was pretty fed up with this and pried her vice like little hands off of my legs and skated a few feet in front of her. "See how easy this is?" I singsonged, skating backwards, trying to encourage her to come forward to me. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, as she was moving forward and I was gliding along, backwards no less, entertaining ideas of becoming a (geriatric?) figure skater until all of a sudden - WHAM! I skated back right into the wall, feet flew out from under me (I seriously saw them in front of my face) and I landed straight on my ass. Dazed for a few seconds, I suddenly realized my own child was laughing at me! "You fell on your BUTT!" She cried gleefully. Then I looked over and noticed the little 8 year olds doing double axles in the center of the ice were pointing and laughing!!!! Bitches. Calista came over, and I let her clutch the insides of my thighs while I skated back to the exit. No one was hurt and fortunately the only thing I bruised was my ego. Bah dum bum!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I'm hungry.
Recently, AOL Food asked its readers to nominate their least favorite foods. The top nominations were voted on in a poll and the results are in!
America's Most Hated Foods. (My opinions)
20. Blueberries (I agree. Hate them raw, but artificial blueberry is okay - blueberry muffins, uhh...blueberry popsicles? Hmm.)
19. Maple Syrup (What the hell is everyone putting on their pancakes?)
18. Cilantro (Yum! No one likes salsa?)
17. Onions (EWWWWWWWWW however I do like onion rings.)
16. Cooked Carrots (Normally I dont like mushy vegetables, but slap some butter and brown sugar on these babies and they're delish.)
15. Raisins (Yummy, also the perfect toddler snack.)
14. Peas (I like them frozen, I cant seem to find them at my grocery store's produce section, and snow peas are delicious in chinese food.)
13. Oysters (Tried them once, never again.)
12. Pea Soup (Never tried it!)
11. Sour Cream (SOUR CREAM?!! Who are these people???)
10. Gelatin (Is this like, jello? Who hates jello?)
9. Tuna Fish (The only kind of fish I'll eat.)
8. Brussels Sprouts (I've never tried, and they smell funny.)
7. Beets (Apparently I used to love them as a baby, then one day broke out in a full body rash one day after eating them. I guess I could be allergic to beets.)
6. Okra (WTF. Everyone who did this survey is from the north. Okra is the shit, people.)
5. Eggs (I'm surprised to see this one on the list. Usually I get weird looks when I tell people I dont like eggs. I'll eat them only if they're IN a dish. Or breakfast taco, whatever.)
4. Mushrooms (My favorite veggie)
3. Mayonnaise (Miracle whip is for pussies. Mayo FTW!)
2. Lima Beans (Not good on their own, but added to things I like them)
1. Liver (I like it but refuse to eat it, since its so bad for you)
Also, I'm convinced that these people just thought of food that sounds gross. Or I just like food that everyone else hates. More for me!!!
America's Most Hated Foods. (My opinions)
20. Blueberries (I agree. Hate them raw, but artificial blueberry is okay - blueberry muffins, uhh...blueberry popsicles? Hmm.)
19. Maple Syrup (What the hell is everyone putting on their pancakes?)
18. Cilantro (Yum! No one likes salsa?)
17. Onions (EWWWWWWWWW however I do like onion rings.)
16. Cooked Carrots (Normally I dont like mushy vegetables, but slap some butter and brown sugar on these babies and they're delish.)
15. Raisins (Yummy, also the perfect toddler snack.)
14. Peas (I like them frozen, I cant seem to find them at my grocery store's produce section, and snow peas are delicious in chinese food.)
13. Oysters (Tried them once, never again.)
12. Pea Soup (Never tried it!)
11. Sour Cream (SOUR CREAM?!! Who are these people???)
10. Gelatin (Is this like, jello? Who hates jello?)
9. Tuna Fish (The only kind of fish I'll eat.)
8. Brussels Sprouts (I've never tried, and they smell funny.)
7. Beets (Apparently I used to love them as a baby, then one day broke out in a full body rash one day after eating them. I guess I could be allergic to beets.)
6. Okra (WTF. Everyone who did this survey is from the north. Okra is the shit, people.)
5. Eggs (I'm surprised to see this one on the list. Usually I get weird looks when I tell people I dont like eggs. I'll eat them only if they're IN a dish. Or breakfast taco, whatever.)
4. Mushrooms (My favorite veggie)
3. Mayonnaise (Miracle whip is for pussies. Mayo FTW!)
2. Lima Beans (Not good on their own, but added to things I like them)
1. Liver (I like it but refuse to eat it, since its so bad for you)
Also, I'm convinced that these people just thought of food that sounds gross. Or I just like food that everyone else hates. More for me!!!
Its a little crazy today
Ugh, last night I stayed up until 2am cleaning the house. Mopping the floors, scrubbing the sinks and counters, dusting the hell out of this place, and all while on the phone with TWO girlfriends with man trouble (please imagine me saying that in a southern georgia accent, cause I do). I'm exhausted today. Calista woke up at 7:30am, bright eyed and bushy tailed, begging for breakfast. I look in the pantry. I forgot to get more cereal yesterday. Look in the fridge. Forgot to get bread, too. However I did remember the Nestles Drumsticks - go mom! A much needed staple in any persons diet, wouldnt you agree? So this morning I fed my child peanut butter crackers and milk for breakfast.
The reason for the OCD cleaning is that we have family coming into town, today and tomorrow. My mom, who can spot a speck of dust and a dirty light switch plate from the airport, and JP's son, so I need this place to be spotless. Cause it aint gonna stay that way for long with a 10 year old boy and a 3 year old girl running around here. FOR A MONTH AND A HALF.
The reason for the OCD cleaning is that we have family coming into town, today and tomorrow. My mom, who can spot a speck of dust and a dirty light switch plate from the airport, and JP's son, so I need this place to be spotless. Cause it aint gonna stay that way for long with a 10 year old boy and a 3 year old girl running around here. FOR A MONTH AND A HALF.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
You down with WOPHLL?
So, as you know soon we'll be moving out of the city and into the burbs.
Depressing, but necessary. Instead of hiring a locater like any other normal and sane family, I am determined to find our new place myself. Not that I'm a control freak, I just like the idea of being a real estate agent. I briefly entertained the thought for a while, until I started watching HGTV and realizing what a bitch it would be to drag the un-educated, condescending assholes around and endure the demands they placed upon me. It would be very hard for me to resist a good bitch slapping. This is also why I cant be a teacher. Bitch slapping my students would definitely land me in jail, and jail is a place I do not want to be. People, they make you drink out of water fountains attatched to the back of TOILETS.
Dont ask me how I know.
So, aiding me in the search for a new (rented) home is the website for the Houston Associaton of Realtors, aka HAR.com. They have a good search engine thingy that lets you choose the area, property type, price, if you want a tennis court, pool, even sprinklers! Unfortunately, the listings dont change that often, and recently I've found myself looking at extravagantly ridiculous homes. The price listing goes up to 10 MILLION DOLLARS. What would you do if you had 10 million dollars to blow on a home? And furthermore, would you be posting it on a website? Hell no, that shit would be on appointment only, pay by the hour home tour basis. Pimp your home! Damn, now thats a million dollar real estate idea right there.
Since I'm one of those people that's kind of obsessed with WOPHLL (what other people's homes look like) this is pretty sweet. Especially since I'll never know anyone with a 10 million dollar house that I can look inside of. Yet sadly, most of them are pretty ugly on the inside. Look at this one:
Stuffy, much? Like sitting inside of a hotel room lobby. Do you think anyone has ever sat in those chairs? Those things probably cost 10K apeice.
I do like the chandeliers, I think. Or atleast the color of them, and they look easy to swing around from.
And look at this bedroom:
This is where Laura Ashely came to die, unfortunately. That wallpaper is ATROCIOUS. The frilly
valance thingy on the top of the bed is sickeningly sweet, along with that painting above the (awesome) fireplace. Actually, I wouldn't mind having an exact replica of this bedroom in my house to be honest with you. It would be the Punishment Room, where I will send Calista in her teen years for skipping curfew, being promiscuous or underage drinking.
Now this is what I'm talking about right here. I'd set up a few tables,
maybe stick a LCD somewhere and rock this room out. How much fun would it be to host a Mary Kay Party in a WINE CELLER! This is perfect, since you can get your clients drunk and make them buy more microdermabraison kits or something. Not that I sell Mary Kay products, but I know a bunch of ladies that do and I'd demand a 12% cut for renting out my wine cellar.
Unfortunately, all of this voyeuristic looking at millionaire's home shit just reminds me that I can not afford a 1,000 sq foot wine room, glass pool, 10 bedroom hacienda in Montego Bay, but something more along the lines of this:
Depressing, but necessary. Instead of hiring a locater like any other normal and sane family, I am determined to find our new place myself. Not that I'm a control freak, I just like the idea of being a real estate agent. I briefly entertained the thought for a while, until I started watching HGTV and realizing what a bitch it would be to drag the un-educated, condescending assholes around and endure the demands they placed upon me. It would be very hard for me to resist a good bitch slapping. This is also why I cant be a teacher. Bitch slapping my students would definitely land me in jail, and jail is a place I do not want to be. People, they make you drink out of water fountains attatched to the back of TOILETS.
Dont ask me how I know.
So, aiding me in the search for a new (rented) home is the website for the Houston Associaton of Realtors, aka HAR.com. They have a good search engine thingy that lets you choose the area, property type, price, if you want a tennis court, pool, even sprinklers! Unfortunately, the listings dont change that often, and recently I've found myself looking at extravagantly ridiculous homes. The price listing goes up to 10 MILLION DOLLARS. What would you do if you had 10 million dollars to blow on a home? And furthermore, would you be posting it on a website? Hell no, that shit would be on appointment only, pay by the hour home tour basis. Pimp your home! Damn, now thats a million dollar real estate idea right there.
Since I'm one of those people that's kind of obsessed with WOPHLL (what other people's homes look like) this is pretty sweet. Especially since I'll never know anyone with a 10 million dollar house that I can look inside of. Yet sadly, most of them are pretty ugly on the inside. Look at this one:
Stuffy, much? Like sitting inside of a hotel room lobby. Do you think anyone has ever sat in those chairs? Those things probably cost 10K apeice.
I do like the chandeliers, I think. Or atleast the color of them, and they look easy to swing around from.
And look at this bedroom:
This is where Laura Ashely came to die, unfortunately. That wallpaper is ATROCIOUS. The frilly
valance thingy on the top of the bed is sickeningly sweet, along with that painting above the (awesome) fireplace. Actually, I wouldn't mind having an exact replica of this bedroom in my house to be honest with you. It would be the Punishment Room, where I will send Calista in her teen years for skipping curfew, being promiscuous or underage drinking.Now this is what I'm talking about right here. I'd set up a few tables,
maybe stick a LCD somewhere and rock this room out. How much fun would it be to host a Mary Kay Party in a WINE CELLER! This is perfect, since you can get your clients drunk and make them buy more microdermabraison kits or something. Not that I sell Mary Kay products, but I know a bunch of ladies that do and I'd demand a 12% cut for renting out my wine cellar.Unfortunately, all of this voyeuristic looking at millionaire's home shit just reminds me that I can not afford a 1,000 sq foot wine room, glass pool, 10 bedroom hacienda in Montego Bay, but something more along the lines of this:
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Weekday drinking
Ohmygod, I am so hungover today. Got a little carried away with the wine last night, and I'm totally paying for it. I stumbled into bed at an obscene hour, and woke this morning to an inbox full of replies to drunk emails I sent to my friends.
Oh yeah. Its like drunk texting, but only more 90's.
I'm a loving kind of drunk. I will tell you how awesome you are, why your shoes are so awesome and how much I loooooooooove you. Probably repeatedly. I'm also the "Your New BFF" kind of drunk, which I admit, is totally annoying when it happens to me, but I sometimes revert back into that mode, especially if I dont know anyone at the event/bar/club/casino/strip club/etc. I think it goes back to highschool somehow, but I'm too hungover to analyze myself, damn. So, suffice to say most of my emails were all like this, "I LOVE YOUUUU, I wi ll alwsays kloooooooooooove you, you are MY HERO AND you're my BFF4EVA porrrr vidaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!11"
Kind of like Whitney Houston plus a dash of Bette Midlder with a dab of Selena thrown in.
You know you want one of my drunk emails.
I need a cheeseburger.
Oh yeah. Its like drunk texting, but only more 90's.
I'm a loving kind of drunk. I will tell you how awesome you are, why your shoes are so awesome and how much I loooooooooove you. Probably repeatedly. I'm also the "Your New BFF" kind of drunk, which I admit, is totally annoying when it happens to me, but I sometimes revert back into that mode, especially if I dont know anyone at the event/bar/club/casino/strip club/etc. I think it goes back to highschool somehow, but I'm too hungover to analyze myself, damn. So, suffice to say most of my emails were all like this, "I LOVE YOUUUU, I wi ll alwsays kloooooooooooove you, you are MY HERO AND you're my BFF4EVA porrrr vidaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!11"
Kind of like Whitney Houston plus a dash of Bette Midlder with a dab of Selena thrown in.
You know you want one of my drunk emails.
I need a cheeseburger.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Deli counter love
Yesterday I was standing in the deli line, 10 deep, beaming at the black forest ham (and probably looking like a maniac) and thinking to myself, "This is AWESOME!" No, I do not have a ham fetish, I was just relishing the FREEDOM FROM CHILDREN AND TIME (that sounds like the name of a really bad sci-fi novel).
Yesterday, JP went out of town to go to some convention in Orlando, the lucky bastard. And Callie went to go spend the night with her grandmother so they could go pick blueberries this morning. I know, wtf. But thats what grandmas do, I guess. When I'm a grandma, I'll be taking my grandkids to the liquor store, probably, but times are changing folks. Grandmas gotta have her manhattan!
Where were we? Oh yes, deli line. I'm looking at all these sullen people, pissed off that they have to wait 5 minutes to have their havarti cheese sliced and I couldnt be happier. Do you know how long its been since I stood in a deli line? Can you imagine standing there, cute little hand basket filled with organic stone ground wheat bread, pomme juice and ready made tortelinis, looking over to find a frazzled looking woman who had the audacity to shove her full sized shopping cart (filled with Kraft and teddy grahms!) into the line? Wrestling with a 3 year old who wont stop begging for a donut? I could do it, and mentally tell everyone to fuck off, but I care about the world and believe in karma, so I refrain.
So while people were sighing and rolling their eyes, I was a chipper and thankful lady.
And no need to comment, because I've realized that I need to get out more now. Yes, I am thankful for the deli line. Yes, apparently I have no life. I got it. Thank you.
Yesterday, JP went out of town to go to some convention in Orlando, the lucky bastard. And Callie went to go spend the night with her grandmother so they could go pick blueberries this morning. I know, wtf. But thats what grandmas do, I guess. When I'm a grandma, I'll be taking my grandkids to the liquor store, probably, but times are changing folks. Grandmas gotta have her manhattan!
Where were we? Oh yes, deli line. I'm looking at all these sullen people, pissed off that they have to wait 5 minutes to have their havarti cheese sliced and I couldnt be happier. Do you know how long its been since I stood in a deli line? Can you imagine standing there, cute little hand basket filled with organic stone ground wheat bread, pomme juice and ready made tortelinis, looking over to find a frazzled looking woman who had the audacity to shove her full sized shopping cart (filled with Kraft and teddy grahms!) into the line? Wrestling with a 3 year old who wont stop begging for a donut? I could do it, and mentally tell everyone to fuck off, but I care about the world and believe in karma, so I refrain.
So while people were sighing and rolling their eyes, I was a chipper and thankful lady.
And no need to comment, because I've realized that I need to get out more now. Yes, I am thankful for the deli line. Yes, apparently I have no life. I got it. Thank you.
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