Its that time again!!!!

Ya'll. I cant help it. I freakin love doodle week:

It's going on until the 31st, and you should jump on the bandwagon. (If you couldn't tell, today's theme is a sunflower).
I know its not exactly funny (unless you're laughing at my inability to draw with MS Paint, then sure) but I love to draw so you guys are going to have to deal with my crazy doodles in between posts. Okay! So get your ass on board and go draw a damn sunflower!

1:29pm

Four years ago today, I gave birth to this little monster:


Happy Birthday, princess angel!

MORE awards!!!!!!

I have a few very important things I need to take care of today. Namely...

I GOT 2 MORE AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!


Cant read the fine print? It says, "You're looking at a Kick Ass Blogger"! Hey, hey people, this is like a license to kick ass or something, so you just watch it. Not like I have any reason to kick anyone's ass cause you guys have been so lovely and wonderful, really, but step out of line and face the wrath!!!!! The wrath of a kick ass blogger!!!! WOO!!!

Hmm, these awards really make me into a bit of a tyrant, huh? My bad. I'll try to keep it in check, but I make no promises.

ANYWAY, I was given this award by Petra over at The Wise (Young) Mommy, who writes a hilarious and addicting blog about her life as the mother of 2 young kids. Her style is reminiscent of sitting down with a good friend, which I love. Go read her stuff or you'll get a visit from ceiling cat tonight at the least opportune time. And that would just be awkward. And with awards come nominations, so I'd like to pass the love on to:

1. Vodka Mom
Her hilarious comments on my posts make me laugh, and I've really enjoyed reading her blog over the past few days. An excerpt from her site, "I like to fuck up at least once a day. It keeps me humble." This is like my new motto, people. Go check her out.

2. Venus Angell over at For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic
This girl gets the Kick Ass Blogger Award not only for having a seriously funny blog with great pictures, but for her Bravery In The Act Of Posting. This post alone was creeptastic, and girlfriend went the extra mile by finding 14 different pictures. That's dedication.

I also got an award from Sassy Mama Bear over at Cafe At The End Of The Universe. She runs a cute, fun blog full of great pictures and inspirational posts. I hope things are going better for you, Sassy Mama Bear and you're feeling much, much better.

As you can see, she gave me the Addictive Blog Award:


I'm like heroin! Crack-cocaine!! Look at that little monkey, he's like, "Hell yeah, this is some good shit!" I am totally down with being an Addictive Blog, and I consider it a great honor. Just promise me you guys will never go to rehab, okay?! They cant do it like I can!!! And if I'm not enough to keep the shakes at bay, try taking a hit off of these guys:

The Hypocritical One over at That Tears it...!
I'm a newbie to his blog, and what an addictive blog it is! His entry about Right Laners made me re-think my position on the road, and I literally LOLed when I read his comparison to the random clips of the Chinese gymnasts being akin to seeing the Grady girls in "The Shining." Exactly. Go read it.

Chat Blanc over at Wit's Bitch
Her suggestions on how to avoid an awkard next morning interlude would have come in handy 6 years ago, but I can still appreciate a good getaway plan. And she's starting a cult, too! Haven't you always wanted to join a cult? This one has chips and salsa that never end!!!! Go read her blog and you'll soon figure out exactly what I mean by seriously addicting.

So THANK YOU so much again to Petra and Sassy Mama Bear! And thank you, too, to all the guys who read and comment on the craziness I decide to post. Have a great weekend, guys!

I need help. Maybe mentally.

So is it just me, or is grocery shopping with your significant other an HUGE pain in the ass?



Remember the first time you two stepped foot into a Kroger's together? How it was sooooo romantic picking out the food ya'll were going to cook at one of your respective houses, like you were a regular married couple? Wasn't that sweet? Too bad it only lasts until you get into a fight about the price per ounce on a pound of ground sirloin. Then you wake up. Then you realize, "Huh. If Cheap Ass McGee wasn't here, I could get the organic ground beef like any other sane person, instead of being guilted into the funky tube o' meat."


But thats not all. There are different types of shoppers. Some are the blow and go type, where every trip is like supermarket sweep, and they just want to get the hell out of there. Others, like me, are the languid kind of shoppers. Comparing nutritional content, apples vs. oranges - literally - and taking a trip down every aisle, just to see whats out there. And when you're a leisurely shopper who falls in love with the blow and go kind, well...there are bound to be a few differences.

My best friend and I were discussing this last night, and she confessed that her and her high school sweetheart still love to grocery shop together and I was truly impressed. And they've been together for like, 10 years or something crazy like that. Screw flowers, that's some romantic shit right there. I mean, seriously, am I the only one who wants to have a throw down in the produce section? Is there some sort of therapy group for this? Have I finally gone off the deep end? Is there no end to the amount of questions I could ask before driving you insane? Probably not. So tell me, are you having problems like me? If so, how do you cope? Is there some sort of secret?
I NEED TO KNOW, PEOPLE. And don't say valium and a stiff drink beforehand, cause last time I tried that I just let him do the shopping while I rode that little carousel in front for 30 minutes, and I don't think my self esteem can handle getting banned from yet another grocery store.

Who said crime doesn't pay?

Its no secret right now people are some broke ass mofo's - myself included. The economy is in the crapper, a gallon of milk costs more than an eyebrow wax and you cant go three feet without the shrill wail of someone bitching about gas prices piercing your eardrum.

And people are fighting back. Clipping coupons, having garage sales, blogging the recession, buying generic, becoming an egg/sperm donor, pawning your 360, etc. are just a few ways you can speak out or cope with the recession that "isn't happening".

Another option might be to get a side job.

One lady in Houston decided a teacher's salary just wasn't cutting it, so she invited "some dude" to the Four Seasons downtown for a little cash for ass. Imagine her surprise and dismay to find out she was set up by the fuzz. I mean, damn. All the girl was trying to do was make a little extra cash so she could make her damn car payment. Or buy a pair of Louboutins, maybe, I don't know. But girlfriend was obviously broke - did I mention the teacher's salary? And the recession? Far be it for me to pass judgment on a woman who makes 23,000 a year to teach screaming kids who don't appreciate what she's doing for them in the first place.

In fact, her desperation is downright inspirational. Taking a page out of her book, here are a few other ideas that might make you a few extra dollars and pull you out of your financial slump:

Administrative Assistant/Drug Pusher
You're in the office at 8am. Vanilla cubicle. Boring meetings. Mindless diet chatter. No one likes to be in that situation, and people are working for the weekend. Why not spice things up with a little chemical substance sampling? Make an established name for yourself around the office and sit back and wait. You can bet people will come shuffling around your cubicle, kicking their feet and glancing at the ceiling, muttering something about adderall tablets and spreadsheet deadlines.

Estimated extra income: $4,000.00 annually.


Real Estate Agent/Black market Goods Seller
Since foreclosure is such a threat these days and people are saving their pennies for an umbrella to use on the rainy day they were originally saving for, why not use your empty houses for a platform? Scour the internet for pilfered cartons of Marlboro's or stolen guns on the cheap, and have a private viewing and auction for said illegal goods. Be creative! Times are tough now, and you never know what a case of Charmin might fetch.

Estimated extra income: Anywhere from 5,000.00 to 5 mil.


Restaurateur/Pimp
With more and more people opting to dine in to save a little cash, you need to give them some extra incentive to come eat out at your place - if you know what I mean. Hire some pretty young waiters and waitresses and keep things going after hours. Make a menu with items like, "In-N-Out in your burger" and "Ryan's steak all up in your house" up for grabs, and watch the extra cash come flowing in.

Estimated extra income: 3 million a year, minus cost in condoms and STD testing fees.

Hot Child In The Suburbs takes no responsibilities for arrests, indictment, diseases or stabbings that may occur. I do not recommend breaking the law, and if you follow this advice please seek professional medical help and assistance.

I am going to get so much hatemail for this

So my friend calls me last weekend and says, "Hey, I read the post about your "Six Awesomely Badass Quirks" the other day, and I cant believe you didn't include your ridiculous fear of dolphins." To which I replied, "SHUT UP! I am NOT scared of dolphins!" Cause in reality I'm a 25 year old woman going on 13.

But seriously you guys. Its not ridiculous. Dolphins are dangerous, loathsome creatures and we should all be aware of their evil and vindictive ways.


When people find out I have an aversion to these marine animals, they are usually quite baffled. People think of dolphins and images of Flipper come to mind, but there is something sinister to me lurking beneath their shiny gray exteriors and toothy smiles.

They are not cute. They are not nice. People, they are the undercover murderers and molesters of the sea. If a dolphin had thumbs, I'm pretty sure it would shank you and steal your iPhone if it had the opportunity. Supposedly, they're intelligent creatures, so they might be able to do it without thumbs, so watch your back. They are self aware creatures, too, which makes them even more dangerous. They are killing innocent mackerel left and right, relishing in the bloodshed and gore.

Whats even more sickening about dolphins is their blowhole:



(Sidenote: Never, ever google an image of "blowhole" if your safe search is not turned on. Oh. My. God.)

It is a HOLE. A nearly perfect circle on top of their head. If that doesn't give you the willies there is something wrong with you. And yeah yeah, I know its so they can breathe but every time I see a picture of one, I just want to stuff a cork in it. Excuse me if I think its pretty sick that I can look down and peer into your body. Yeah, no thanks. And I don't care what anyone says, I know humans have holes in their body but it is NOT THE SAME. Our holes are not on top of our heads.

So this summer if you're out on a yacht, swimming in the pacific or on a snorkeling excursion, and you come in contact with a dolphin DON'T PANIC. Do not make eye contact, make any sudden movements or attempt to shoot it with a harpoon. Slowly swim away, keeping the dolphin in your line of sight, until you are at least 30 feet away or back on the boat. The worst thing you could ever do is kill a dolphin. Once they're through mourning the loss of their kin, they will send out a search party for you and take you down like Chris Brown on a groupie.



Consider this your public service announcement.

Six awesomely badass quirks

Guess what! The lovely and talented Petra over at The Wise (Young) Mommy has tagged me for my very first meme ever! I am such a sucker for these things, and if you cant stand them, don't add me as a friend on your myspace! I mean, who can resist an opportunity for some good old fashioned self exploitation?!?

This one is titled, " Six Unspectacular Quirks About You". Hmm. I hate to break it to you guys, but I must admit, there is nothing unspectacular about me. I mean, really. So I'm renaming this meme to:

SIX AWESOMELY BADASS QUIRKS ABOUT YOU THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF AND NEED LOTS AND LOTS OF PRAISE AND REASSURANCE ABOUT

Much better. Here goes.

1. Apparently I am quirky about food.

I guess I am a weirdo for wanting my food when or how I want it, but whatever - if I'm not in the mood for chinois, mexican or pizza, I will not eat it. Refuse. Decline. Reject. I guess this makes me HARD TO LIVE WITH, but go cry me a river - I live with your obsessive cleanliness habit, okay?! CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN! Do you see me complaining?

2. I have a thing for free publications.

You know those stands at the exit of the grocery store with the Apartment Guides, Thrifty Nickles and Greensheets? Yeah, those. If you come into my house, you'll find them stacked up on the side table, next to the couch, driving my anal retentive boyfriend with an obsessive cleaning habit crazy generally enhancing the ambiance of my dwelling. My favorites are the Houston Press, Houston Family, and Skirt! Magazine. One of the great things about living in the city is the abundance of independently published free magazines. And okay, okay, I still get the Greensheet, too.

3. I will not drink light beer.

I just won't do it. Its disgusting. I haven't had a light beer in over 5 years, and I refuse to choke down a beer that tastes like pee. And don't tell me I've never tasted pee so I cant make that analogy because I really don't want to get into that discussion - it's just too humiliating. Beers are meant to be enjoyed, and I would rather be a happy size 10 with my Shiner Bock than be miserable size 6 drinking my Miller Lite.

4. I do not wear undies.

I haven't worn underwear in like, 9 years. Well, actually, when I wear dresses and skirts I do, but other than that, I am sans culottes. On Valentines day this year, I received a lovely box from Victoria's Secret filled to the brim with lovely, lacy things, and once in HS on my birthday I got a bunch of undies from a girl friend...perhaps some people don't exactly agree with my way of life?

5. I don't own a cell.

I haven't had a cell phone for almost a year now, and I do not want one, either. I think they're like invisible leashes. When I'm out doing stuff alone, I like to be alone, and I don't want to deal with having to turn my phone off just to get some personal time. I get a lot of shit about this, because people either want to get a hold of me and cant, or think I'm being irresponsible by not having one. True, having a cell will come in handy if I ever get a flat tire or something, but I rarely travel alone these days, and besides, what did people do when they had car trouble before cell phones?

6. I used to be a hippy

I fully believe I used to be a hippy in a past life. I'm completely serious. Evidence that points to this: Unexplained affection towards gunnysacks, 70's music, bohemian fashion and daisies, past promiscuous sex, I used to smoke a lot of joints until I had a kid, peace signs, and hairstyle. Oh yes, and see #4. Other past lives I've had: Titanic casualty (severe aversion to cold water), Cleopatra (the exotic qualities have been passed along), and Amelia Earhart (don't ask me how I know, I just do.)

Ta-da!

Now of course, this meme comes with rules but I don't want to tag any one number of people because I want to know all the SPECTACULAR quirks all of you have! I'm serious!!! All of you guys who come to read my blog should do this because I am interested in finding out good dirt I can hold against you later to get you to do something illegal for me relevant and interesting facts about all my fellow bloggers!!! Do it!