I consider myself a pretty social girl. I like going out dancing, or going to bars, karaoke, even baby showers (karaoke baby shower is totally going to be my theme if I ever have another baby!). But as I get older, I've noticed I get really edgy in large crowds. All these people, drifting around me, elbows brushing mine, stranger's hips bumping me, the light touch of a hand on my shoulder letting me know someone is behind me. I cant stand it. Really, you'd think I might get a little thrill out of all these strangers around, lightly brushing my body...but there is a reason FANTASY differs from REALITY. Ahem.
Anyway, yesterday we went to Whole Foods on a Sunday. With a three year old. What was I thinking? The place was PACKED with people stocking up on their black beans and whole grains, and all I needed was some fucking mint shampoo. And the beauty isle was like a traffic jam gone awry, baskets abandoned, people just giving up and walking around. I'm standing there in disbelief when suddenly someone rammed my ass with a basket. I turn around and this tall blonde woman is looking at me with the SMUGGEST expression on her face, like, "Yeah I just hit your flat ass with my basket, and?" So I said, "Do you think you could back up a little bit?" and she replied, "I think you should get out of my way, actually."
OH HELLLLZ NO.
I looked her square in the eye and I said, "I think you should take your bleach blonde, 2004 gucchi wearing ass out of my FACE and step off, bitch." Well, not really. You know how you lay in bed and think about all the things you should have said? Yeah. In reality, I told her she didn't have to be so rude and would produce better results by asking more politely. And I didn't move. She got huffy and I got my mint shampoo. The latter probably set a better example for my daughter, but the inner badass rolled her eyes at my mature remark.
This is why Whole Foods should ditch the Jamba Juice and start serving up liquor.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Its cold out there for a Mom
Guess where I've been all day? I'll give you three hints:
The ladies wear short skirts
There is lots of shouting of encouragement, cheers, general hoopla and such
Sharp blades are involved
No, not some sick fetish strip club, you dirty minded sickos, but ice skating. More importantly, ice skating with my three year old. I enrolled her in lessons a few weeks ago after she started gliding around in her socks on the laminate floor. I'm serious! By doing that, she could be acting out her natural ability and talent, right? The baby books told me so! Besides, I'm always looking for every available avenue for Calista to learn a talentso she can support me in my twilight years.
Unfortunately, I think she's inherited her fathers laziness. She isn't bad, she doesn't fall, but she wont move. Once she found out she couldn't get out there and just sail away, arms outstretched and one leg in the air, she didn't want anything to do with it. So every Saturday after class, I get out there with her and we go around the rink a few times. Or, I go around the rink
a few times while she wedges herself between my legs, screaming, and I drag her around with me. Today I was pretty fed up with this and pried her vice like little hands off of my legs and skated a few feet in front of her. "See how easy this is?" I singsonged, skating backwards, trying to encourage her to come forward to me. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, as she was moving forward and I was gliding along, backwards no less, entertaining ideas of becoming a (geriatric?) figure skater until all of a sudden - WHAM! I skated back right into the wall, feet flew out from under me (I seriously saw them in front of my face) and I landed straight on my ass. Dazed for a few seconds, I suddenly realized my own child was laughing at me! "You fell on your BUTT!" She cried gleefully. Then I looked over and noticed the little 8 year olds doing double axles in the center of the ice were pointing and laughing!!!! Bitches. Calista came over, and I let her clutch the insides of my thighs while I skated back to the exit. No one was hurt and fortunately the only thing I bruised was my ego. Bah dum bum!
The ladies wear short skirts
There is lots of shouting of encouragement, cheers, general hoopla and such
Sharp blades are involved
No, not some sick fetish strip club, you dirty minded sickos, but ice skating. More importantly, ice skating with my three year old. I enrolled her in lessons a few weeks ago after she started gliding around in her socks on the laminate floor. I'm serious! By doing that, she could be acting out her natural ability and talent, right? The baby books told me so! Besides, I'm always looking for every available avenue for Calista to learn a talent
Unfortunately, I think she's inherited her fathers laziness. She isn't bad, she doesn't fall, but she wont move. Once she found out she couldn't get out there and just sail away, arms outstretched and one leg in the air, she didn't want anything to do with it. So every Saturday after class, I get out there with her and we go around the rink a few times. Or, I go around the rink
a few times while she wedges herself between my legs, screaming, and I drag her around with me. Today I was pretty fed up with this and pried her vice like little hands off of my legs and skated a few feet in front of her. "See how easy this is?" I singsonged, skating backwards, trying to encourage her to come forward to me. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself, as she was moving forward and I was gliding along, backwards no less, entertaining ideas of becoming a (geriatric?) figure skater until all of a sudden - WHAM! I skated back right into the wall, feet flew out from under me (I seriously saw them in front of my face) and I landed straight on my ass. Dazed for a few seconds, I suddenly realized my own child was laughing at me! "You fell on your BUTT!" She cried gleefully. Then I looked over and noticed the little 8 year olds doing double axles in the center of the ice were pointing and laughing!!!! Bitches. Calista came over, and I let her clutch the insides of my thighs while I skated back to the exit. No one was hurt and fortunately the only thing I bruised was my ego. Bah dum bum!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I'm hungry.
Recently, AOL Food asked its readers to nominate their least favorite foods. The top nominations were voted on in a poll and the results are in!
America's Most Hated Foods. (My opinions)
20. Blueberries (I agree. Hate them raw, but artificial blueberry is okay - blueberry muffins, uhh...blueberry popsicles? Hmm.)
19. Maple Syrup (What the hell is everyone putting on their pancakes?)
18. Cilantro (Yum! No one likes salsa?)
17. Onions (EWWWWWWWWW however I do like onion rings.)
16. Cooked Carrots (Normally I dont like mushy vegetables, but slap some butter and brown sugar on these babies and they're delish.)
15. Raisins (Yummy, also the perfect toddler snack.)
14. Peas (I like them frozen, I cant seem to find them at my grocery store's produce section, and snow peas are delicious in chinese food.)
13. Oysters (Tried them once, never again.)
12. Pea Soup (Never tried it!)
11. Sour Cream (SOUR CREAM?!! Who are these people???)
10. Gelatin (Is this like, jello? Who hates jello?)
9. Tuna Fish (The only kind of fish I'll eat.)
8. Brussels Sprouts (I've never tried, and they smell funny.)
7. Beets (Apparently I used to love them as a baby, then one day broke out in a full body rash one day after eating them. I guess I could be allergic to beets.)
6. Okra (WTF. Everyone who did this survey is from the north. Okra is the shit, people.)
5. Eggs (I'm surprised to see this one on the list. Usually I get weird looks when I tell people I dont like eggs. I'll eat them only if they're IN a dish. Or breakfast taco, whatever.)
4. Mushrooms (My favorite veggie)
3. Mayonnaise (Miracle whip is for pussies. Mayo FTW!)
2. Lima Beans (Not good on their own, but added to things I like them)
1. Liver (I like it but refuse to eat it, since its so bad for you)
Also, I'm convinced that these people just thought of food that sounds gross. Or I just like food that everyone else hates. More for me!!!
America's Most Hated Foods. (My opinions)
20. Blueberries (I agree. Hate them raw, but artificial blueberry is okay - blueberry muffins, uhh...blueberry popsicles? Hmm.)
19. Maple Syrup (What the hell is everyone putting on their pancakes?)
18. Cilantro (Yum! No one likes salsa?)
17. Onions (EWWWWWWWWW however I do like onion rings.)
16. Cooked Carrots (Normally I dont like mushy vegetables, but slap some butter and brown sugar on these babies and they're delish.)
15. Raisins (Yummy, also the perfect toddler snack.)
14. Peas (I like them frozen, I cant seem to find them at my grocery store's produce section, and snow peas are delicious in chinese food.)
13. Oysters (Tried them once, never again.)
12. Pea Soup (Never tried it!)
11. Sour Cream (SOUR CREAM?!! Who are these people???)
10. Gelatin (Is this like, jello? Who hates jello?)
9. Tuna Fish (The only kind of fish I'll eat.)
8. Brussels Sprouts (I've never tried, and they smell funny.)
7. Beets (Apparently I used to love them as a baby, then one day broke out in a full body rash one day after eating them. I guess I could be allergic to beets.)
6. Okra (WTF. Everyone who did this survey is from the north. Okra is the shit, people.)
5. Eggs (I'm surprised to see this one on the list. Usually I get weird looks when I tell people I dont like eggs. I'll eat them only if they're IN a dish. Or breakfast taco, whatever.)
4. Mushrooms (My favorite veggie)
3. Mayonnaise (Miracle whip is for pussies. Mayo FTW!)
2. Lima Beans (Not good on their own, but added to things I like them)
1. Liver (I like it but refuse to eat it, since its so bad for you)
Also, I'm convinced that these people just thought of food that sounds gross. Or I just like food that everyone else hates. More for me!!!
Its a little crazy today
Ugh, last night I stayed up until 2am cleaning the house. Mopping the floors, scrubbing the sinks and counters, dusting the hell out of this place, and all while on the phone with TWO girlfriends with man trouble (please imagine me saying that in a southern georgia accent, cause I do). I'm exhausted today. Calista woke up at 7:30am, bright eyed and bushy tailed, begging for breakfast. I look in the pantry. I forgot to get more cereal yesterday. Look in the fridge. Forgot to get bread, too. However I did remember the Nestles Drumsticks - go mom! A much needed staple in any persons diet, wouldnt you agree? So this morning I fed my child peanut butter crackers and milk for breakfast.
The reason for the OCD cleaning is that we have family coming into town, today and tomorrow. My mom, who can spot a speck of dust and a dirty light switch plate from the airport, and JP's son, so I need this place to be spotless. Cause it aint gonna stay that way for long with a 10 year old boy and a 3 year old girl running around here. FOR A MONTH AND A HALF.
The reason for the OCD cleaning is that we have family coming into town, today and tomorrow. My mom, who can spot a speck of dust and a dirty light switch plate from the airport, and JP's son, so I need this place to be spotless. Cause it aint gonna stay that way for long with a 10 year old boy and a 3 year old girl running around here. FOR A MONTH AND A HALF.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
You down with WOPHLL?
So, as you know soon we'll be moving out of the city and into the burbs.
Depressing, but necessary. Instead of hiring a locater like any other normal and sane family, I am determined to find our new place myself. Not that I'm a control freak, I just like the idea of being a real estate agent. I briefly entertained the thought for a while, until I started watching HGTV and realizing what a bitch it would be to drag the un-educated, condescending assholes around and endure the demands they placed upon me. It would be very hard for me to resist a good bitch slapping. This is also why I cant be a teacher. Bitch slapping my students would definitely land me in jail, and jail is a place I do not want to be. People, they make you drink out of water fountains attatched to the back of TOILETS.
Dont ask me how I know.
So, aiding me in the search for a new (rented) home is the website for the Houston Associaton of Realtors, aka HAR.com. They have a good search engine thingy that lets you choose the area, property type, price, if you want a tennis court, pool, even sprinklers! Unfortunately, the listings dont change that often, and recently I've found myself looking at extravagantly ridiculous homes. The price listing goes up to 10 MILLION DOLLARS. What would you do if you had 10 million dollars to blow on a home? And furthermore, would you be posting it on a website? Hell no, that shit would be on appointment only, pay by the hour home tour basis. Pimp your home! Damn, now thats a million dollar real estate idea right there.
Since I'm one of those people that's kind of obsessed with WOPHLL (what other people's homes look like) this is pretty sweet. Especially since I'll never know anyone with a 10 million dollar house that I can look inside of. Yet sadly, most of them are pretty ugly on the inside. Look at this one:
Stuffy, much? Like sitting inside of a hotel room lobby. Do you think anyone has ever sat in those chairs? Those things probably cost 10K apeice.
I do like the chandeliers, I think. Or atleast the color of them, and they look easy to swing around from.
And look at this bedroom:
This is where Laura Ashely came to die, unfortunately. That wallpaper is ATROCIOUS. The frilly
valance thingy on the top of the bed is sickeningly sweet, along with that painting above the (awesome) fireplace. Actually, I wouldn't mind having an exact replica of this bedroom in my house to be honest with you. It would be the Punishment Room, where I will send Calista in her teen years for skipping curfew, being promiscuous or underage drinking.
Now this is what I'm talking about right here. I'd set up a few tables,
maybe stick a LCD somewhere and rock this room out. How much fun would it be to host a Mary Kay Party in a WINE CELLER! This is perfect, since you can get your clients drunk and make them buy more microdermabraison kits or something. Not that I sell Mary Kay products, but I know a bunch of ladies that do and I'd demand a 12% cut for renting out my wine cellar.
Unfortunately, all of this voyeuristic looking at millionaire's home shit just reminds me that I can not afford a 1,000 sq foot wine room, glass pool, 10 bedroom hacienda in Montego Bay, but something more along the lines of this:
Depressing, but necessary. Instead of hiring a locater like any other normal and sane family, I am determined to find our new place myself. Not that I'm a control freak, I just like the idea of being a real estate agent. I briefly entertained the thought for a while, until I started watching HGTV and realizing what a bitch it would be to drag the un-educated, condescending assholes around and endure the demands they placed upon me. It would be very hard for me to resist a good bitch slapping. This is also why I cant be a teacher. Bitch slapping my students would definitely land me in jail, and jail is a place I do not want to be. People, they make you drink out of water fountains attatched to the back of TOILETS.
Dont ask me how I know.
So, aiding me in the search for a new (rented) home is the website for the Houston Associaton of Realtors, aka HAR.com. They have a good search engine thingy that lets you choose the area, property type, price, if you want a tennis court, pool, even sprinklers! Unfortunately, the listings dont change that often, and recently I've found myself looking at extravagantly ridiculous homes. The price listing goes up to 10 MILLION DOLLARS. What would you do if you had 10 million dollars to blow on a home? And furthermore, would you be posting it on a website? Hell no, that shit would be on appointment only, pay by the hour home tour basis. Pimp your home! Damn, now thats a million dollar real estate idea right there.
Since I'm one of those people that's kind of obsessed with WOPHLL (what other people's homes look like) this is pretty sweet. Especially since I'll never know anyone with a 10 million dollar house that I can look inside of. Yet sadly, most of them are pretty ugly on the inside. Look at this one:
Stuffy, much? Like sitting inside of a hotel room lobby. Do you think anyone has ever sat in those chairs? Those things probably cost 10K apeice.
I do like the chandeliers, I think. Or atleast the color of them, and they look easy to swing around from.
And look at this bedroom:
This is where Laura Ashely came to die, unfortunately. That wallpaper is ATROCIOUS. The frilly
valance thingy on the top of the bed is sickeningly sweet, along with that painting above the (awesome) fireplace. Actually, I wouldn't mind having an exact replica of this bedroom in my house to be honest with you. It would be the Punishment Room, where I will send Calista in her teen years for skipping curfew, being promiscuous or underage drinking.Now this is what I'm talking about right here. I'd set up a few tables,
maybe stick a LCD somewhere and rock this room out. How much fun would it be to host a Mary Kay Party in a WINE CELLER! This is perfect, since you can get your clients drunk and make them buy more microdermabraison kits or something. Not that I sell Mary Kay products, but I know a bunch of ladies that do and I'd demand a 12% cut for renting out my wine cellar.Unfortunately, all of this voyeuristic looking at millionaire's home shit just reminds me that I can not afford a 1,000 sq foot wine room, glass pool, 10 bedroom hacienda in Montego Bay, but something more along the lines of this:
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Weekday drinking
Ohmygod, I am so hungover today. Got a little carried away with the wine last night, and I'm totally paying for it. I stumbled into bed at an obscene hour, and woke this morning to an inbox full of replies to drunk emails I sent to my friends.
Oh yeah. Its like drunk texting, but only more 90's.
I'm a loving kind of drunk. I will tell you how awesome you are, why your shoes are so awesome and how much I loooooooooove you. Probably repeatedly. I'm also the "Your New BFF" kind of drunk, which I admit, is totally annoying when it happens to me, but I sometimes revert back into that mode, especially if I dont know anyone at the event/bar/club/casino/strip club/etc. I think it goes back to highschool somehow, but I'm too hungover to analyze myself, damn. So, suffice to say most of my emails were all like this, "I LOVE YOUUUU, I wi ll alwsays kloooooooooooove you, you are MY HERO AND you're my BFF4EVA porrrr vidaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!11"
Kind of like Whitney Houston plus a dash of Bette Midlder with a dab of Selena thrown in.
You know you want one of my drunk emails.
I need a cheeseburger.
Oh yeah. Its like drunk texting, but only more 90's.
I'm a loving kind of drunk. I will tell you how awesome you are, why your shoes are so awesome and how much I loooooooooove you. Probably repeatedly. I'm also the "Your New BFF" kind of drunk, which I admit, is totally annoying when it happens to me, but I sometimes revert back into that mode, especially if I dont know anyone at the event/bar/club/casino/strip club/etc. I think it goes back to highschool somehow, but I'm too hungover to analyze myself, damn. So, suffice to say most of my emails were all like this, "I LOVE YOUUUU, I wi ll alwsays kloooooooooooove you, you are MY HERO AND you're my BFF4EVA porrrr vidaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!11"
Kind of like Whitney Houston plus a dash of Bette Midlder with a dab of Selena thrown in.
You know you want one of my drunk emails.
I need a cheeseburger.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Deli counter love
Yesterday I was standing in the deli line, 10 deep, beaming at the black forest ham (and probably looking like a maniac) and thinking to myself, "This is AWESOME!" No, I do not have a ham fetish, I was just relishing the FREEDOM FROM CHILDREN AND TIME (that sounds like the name of a really bad sci-fi novel).
Yesterday, JP went out of town to go to some convention in Orlando, the lucky bastard. And Callie went to go spend the night with her grandmother so they could go pick blueberries this morning. I know, wtf. But thats what grandmas do, I guess. When I'm a grandma, I'll be taking my grandkids to the liquor store, probably, but times are changing folks. Grandmas gotta have her manhattan!
Where were we? Oh yes, deli line. I'm looking at all these sullen people, pissed off that they have to wait 5 minutes to have their havarti cheese sliced and I couldnt be happier. Do you know how long its been since I stood in a deli line? Can you imagine standing there, cute little hand basket filled with organic stone ground wheat bread, pomme juice and ready made tortelinis, looking over to find a frazzled looking woman who had the audacity to shove her full sized shopping cart (filled with Kraft and teddy grahms!) into the line? Wrestling with a 3 year old who wont stop begging for a donut? I could do it, and mentally tell everyone to fuck off, but I care about the world and believe in karma, so I refrain.
So while people were sighing and rolling their eyes, I was a chipper and thankful lady.
And no need to comment, because I've realized that I need to get out more now. Yes, I am thankful for the deli line. Yes, apparently I have no life. I got it. Thank you.
Yesterday, JP went out of town to go to some convention in Orlando, the lucky bastard. And Callie went to go spend the night with her grandmother so they could go pick blueberries this morning. I know, wtf. But thats what grandmas do, I guess. When I'm a grandma, I'll be taking my grandkids to the liquor store, probably, but times are changing folks. Grandmas gotta have her manhattan!
Where were we? Oh yes, deli line. I'm looking at all these sullen people, pissed off that they have to wait 5 minutes to have their havarti cheese sliced and I couldnt be happier. Do you know how long its been since I stood in a deli line? Can you imagine standing there, cute little hand basket filled with organic stone ground wheat bread, pomme juice and ready made tortelinis, looking over to find a frazzled looking woman who had the audacity to shove her full sized shopping cart (filled with Kraft and teddy grahms!) into the line? Wrestling with a 3 year old who wont stop begging for a donut? I could do it, and mentally tell everyone to fuck off, but I care about the world and believe in karma, so I refrain.
So while people were sighing and rolling their eyes, I was a chipper and thankful lady.
And no need to comment, because I've realized that I need to get out more now. Yes, I am thankful for the deli line. Yes, apparently I have no life. I got it. Thank you.
Friday, June 20, 2008
WTF Friday: A Rant
I want to talk about this Katy Perry. She's cute, right? To me it kind of seems like she stole 90% of Zooey Deschanel's DNA and Dita Von Teese's fashion sense, but whatever. We're not here to discuss her wardrobe. We're here to talk about this horrible, horrible song that everyone seems to love. Lets take a look at the lyrics, shall we?
This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
Some people have talked about this like its a good thing. Bringing bisexuality and lesbianism to the mainstream! Awareness! I did a little research on google and I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling exploited by this song.
Lets break some of the lyrics down here.
This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
Drunk girls of the world unite! It's acceptable and okay now to do irrationa and risky things based on liquor induced judgements.
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention
Hey, so....I really dont like girls, and I know you might or might not...so, hey...do you mind if we kiss? I'm curious! You dont mind if I use you, right?
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
Read: I hope my boyfriend gets a hard on and fucks me harder tonight.
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it
I'm drunk! Kissing feels good! I cant make a decision! Lets do a shot!
No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
So hey stranger! Give me a kiss! I'm gonna use you, I mean...you like being an experiment, right? Helloooo...havent you ever heard of human nature? I'm just curious! Havent I already said that?
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
Grrrrrr....hear me roar! I am NOT a GOOD girl! Let me show you how bad I am by making out with a 1) Stranger 2) Girl. I cant make a decision again! Lets do another shot!
Chrous
Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent
Innocent? Wait, I'm not innocent I'm a BAD GIRL. Remember? SOoooOOoo naughty! Is my boyfriend still hard? Lets do another shot!
I think the thing I don't like is it's sending the wrong message. Imagine that! But in this age of the sexualization and exploitation of younger and younger girls, I don't appreciate women who know better in the mainstream pushing that kind of image. The, "Girls Gone Wild, You can kiss girls for sexual and positive attention" kind of image. Its disappointing that someone with such a visible platform would put that kind of song out there. You want to kiss girls? Awesome! I dont care if you want to kiss donkeys! Make a song about how awesome it is, how much you love it, and dont talk about your boyfriend, you slut.
Now, I'll go back to crocheting pot holders and sipping my ensure.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Makes showering all the more fun
If you're looking for a cheap thrill, you should definitely pick up Noah's Naturals - Its All Good Rosemary and Mint Body wash. This stuff sure is tingly. In all the right places if you get my gist.
Whats in your bag, baby?
Here's the contents of my purse for all you voyeuristic folks out there. Forgive the small pic, it will probably get bigger if you click on it or something:- Green (recycled!!) makeup bag stuffed with junk I usually don't put on my face. I'm a foundation and mascara kinda girl, but I like playing with makeup (I'm a 5 year old at heart.)
- A small bengal tiger and smaller black poodle. You never know when an opportunity might come up to threaten someone with a bengal tiger, fake or not. The poodle is just for companionship.
- Childrens tylenol.
- One splenda and 3 McDonalds coffee creamers. Leftover from last weekend, and I just cant bring myself to throw anything away.
- My wallet. I know its kind of obscured by all the other junk, but I love this wallet. I don't even know how to describe it. It has a swirly kind of muted psychedelic pattern, and it looks like a blown up (not exploded) billfold with a clasp? It opens like a book and I can just throw all my crap in there and shut it. Perfect for the unorganized and lazy.
- Blue ballpoint pin from the Hilton Garden Inn.
- Tube of chapstick. Looks like a tampon, but I just peeled the plastic label off in a fit of boredom one day.
- Glitter hair and body spray. This has been in my purse since I went to the Disco Prom a few weeks ago. I am constantly pleased when I look into my purse and see this canister of excitement in a bottle. I have a can of spray glitter at my whim! The possibilities are endless. Also doubles as mace.
- 2 yellow wooden bangles and one orange and white stripey plastic one. Cheap summer accessories. Also 3 of the 5 bracelets I own that actually fit my tiny wrists (don't count the gold bunch of bangles seen in the disco prom picture because they're for a costume!)
- 2 bullet shells from a .22. Actually, I didn't realize I had these in here until I emptied out my purse. Probably would be bad if I got pulled over and the cop asked to search my car/purse. These are from last weekend when I
capped some bitchesshot at a fed-ex box at JP's family's farm in Centerville. - Car keys. Go Prosser Mustangs!
- Hairbrush.
- Stamps and a part of Callie's pretend birthday cake.
- Instant hand sanitizer. Wal-Greens makes it in a pump spray bottle now. Nifty, eh?
- 5 Gum. Not as awesome as this commercial suggests, but still pretty good.
- Wet N Wild Mega Sparkle "Confetti" eye glitter. Oh, Wet N Wild. The memories you brought flooding back when I stood in front of your section at Target a few weeks ago. There was the time with the barbie corvet pink lipstick I begged my mom to buy me in 5th grade. All the crappy nailpolish that chipped off the next day. And who can forget the teal eyeliner I wore all throughout highschool? Oh yes, those were good times. Thank you for always having what I need, when I need it (glitter was purchased for disco prom).
- Banana Boat Daily Sunblock Lotion. I've been trying to apply sunblock everyday. I havent been too successful.
- 4 quarters. Laundry, people. One plus that will come with moving into the 'burbs - apartments with washer dryer included.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Mouse in the House
So this little guy looks cute, huh? Don't you just want to give him a little corm?
Stroke his little ears and nuzzle his furry little nose? Well, friends, don't be swayed by this critters cuddly and sweet appearance, because he is THE ENEMY. Better known as the Field Mouse, House Mouse, and That Little Fucker Who Shits On My Countertop, or TLFWSOMC for short.
We first noticed the mouse when we discovered the tiny hole gnawed into our bread bag. No problem, we thought, we'll just stick it on top of the fridge. Surprise surprise, mice can climb and it must have gotten a good chuckle over us ignorant humans when it discovered the bread on top of the refrigerator. So we started putting all bread type things in the fridge (cold sandwiches suck) and I went to the hardware store to get traps.
Before we go into the traps issue, you should know that I am pro-life. Not in the, "Picketing abortion clinics and canvassing the 25 mile radius around a Planned Parenthood" kind of pro-life, but pro-life like...dont kill stuff, pro-life. I am not fond of any bug at all, in fact I am stupidly scared of anything that flies or buzzes, and usually take off screaming in the other direction while JP tries to wrangle it up. When whatever insect thats been terrorizing our house has been captured, I demand that he take it outside and let it free back into its natural habitatso it can get back inside our home and start the whole terror campaign again.
I feel the same way about this mouse. I abhor the thought of those old fashioned spring loaded traps, harkening back to the days of the guillotine or other old timey death machines. So being the free loving, PETA supporting hippie that I am, I went to the hardware store to buy some of the glue traps.
What a joke. We put these traps out the day before we went on a 2 day trip to Dallas. Feeling very proud of my pro-life self, I expected to come home and find a little mouse looking up at me expectantly waiting to be set free, possibly with a little goodie bag and a souvenir shot glass to do jaeger bombs with his other mouse friends (I liken our mouse to a frat dude, I suppose). We came home, the traps were still there and the mouse was nowhere to be seen.
That was about a month ago. He's gotten braver, and we not only see him at night but during the day, when he carouses the kitchen looking for crumbs and discarded macaroni noodles. We've been co-existing with a mouse, trying to figure out ways to humanely kick the little disease carrier out of the house. "If only we could feed and potty train him" JP lamented one day when I told him I saw the mouse poke his head out from under the stove. Maybe we should invest in one of these?
Stroke his little ears and nuzzle his furry little nose? Well, friends, don't be swayed by this critters cuddly and sweet appearance, because he is THE ENEMY. Better known as the Field Mouse, House Mouse, and That Little Fucker Who Shits On My Countertop, or TLFWSOMC for short.
We first noticed the mouse when we discovered the tiny hole gnawed into our bread bag. No problem, we thought, we'll just stick it on top of the fridge. Surprise surprise, mice can climb and it must have gotten a good chuckle over us ignorant humans when it discovered the bread on top of the refrigerator. So we started putting all bread type things in the fridge (cold sandwiches suck) and I went to the hardware store to get traps.
Before we go into the traps issue, you should know that I am pro-life. Not in the, "Picketing abortion clinics and canvassing the 25 mile radius around a Planned Parenthood" kind of pro-life, but pro-life like...dont kill stuff, pro-life. I am not fond of any bug at all, in fact I am stupidly scared of anything that flies or buzzes, and usually take off screaming in the other direction while JP tries to wrangle it up. When whatever insect thats been terrorizing our house has been captured, I demand that he take it outside and let it free back into its natural habitat
I feel the same way about this mouse. I abhor the thought of those old fashioned spring loaded traps, harkening back to the days of the guillotine or other old timey death machines. So being the free loving, PETA supporting hippie that I am, I went to the hardware store to buy some of the glue traps.
What a joke. We put these traps out the day before we went on a 2 day trip to Dallas. Feeling very proud of my pro-life self, I expected to come home and find a little mouse looking up at me expectantly waiting to be set free, possibly with a little goodie bag and a souvenir shot glass to do jaeger bombs with his other mouse friends (I liken our mouse to a frat dude, I suppose). We came home, the traps were still there and the mouse was nowhere to be seen.That was about a month ago. He's gotten braver, and we not only see him at night but during the day, when he carouses the kitchen looking for crumbs and discarded macaroni noodles. We've been co-existing with a mouse, trying to figure out ways to humanely kick the little disease carrier out of the house. "If only we could feed and potty train him" JP lamented one day when I told him I saw the mouse poke his head out from under the stove. Maybe we should invest in one of these?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
From the city to the suburbs
So, this is where I live:The lovely and wonderful Houston, Texas. Home of BBQ lovers, sports fans, homeless dudes, lots of illegal aliens and Beyonce. To be more specific, I live in an artsy little neighborhood inside the loop where the houses look like this:
And people drive scooters and art cars around. Behind my house is a wonderful BYOB restaurant that serves some of the best burgers I've ever had in my life, within a 5 minute walk to boot. The reason I love this neighborhood so much (other than the burgers) is mainly because of its history. Its been around since 1891 and its full of character. And coffee shops. And restaurants not owned by Pappas. However, I have a 4 year old daughter and while the culture is good for her, the school districts are not. So much like a Beverly Hillbillies episode in reverse, we are packing up and moving out of the city into the suburbs:
Where I'll have my pick of Wal-Mart or Super-Walmart, Target or Super-Target and I wont be more than 2 miles from a Starbucks at any given moment. I know this, because I once called it home. Thats right. I'm originally a 'burb girl. The only plus to moving back (oh yeah, the schools, too, yeah yeah) is that most of my friends and all of my family live out there. And since it takes $70 to fill up a fucking 4 cylinder gas tank now, this is a big plus. Living here has taught me a few things, and mainly: You can take the girl out of the burbs, and you can damn well take the burbs out of her, as well. I plan to keep it that way.
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